If My Woman Is An Overthinker, Then Il Be An Over Explainer. I Have No Issue Putting Her Mind At Ease.

The thin line between

Being emotionally so drained you can't feel shit anymore but you rationally know it will pass and you love them

And

Knowing you love them but not being able to feel it so the bordi tries to convince you that you never loved them and you should push them away

But

As soon as you meet up again you can feel the love and warmth again and realise you really love them so you get really scared again to loose them

Only to

Spiraling into this endless, toxic circle of "I hate you, please don't leave me"

"Stop using your bpd as a excuse." excuse? if you want this shit, here you go. how can i explain these personality changes when not with my PERSONALITY DISORDER?

i just try to fucking communicate i`m sorry i really am. but hey, your words kinda work as a punishment thanks for the trigger because i am fucking sorry.

Can you help the hopeless?

Well, I'm begging on my knees

Can you save my bastard soul?

Will you wait for me?

I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover.

Forgive me, father, I love you, mother.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

---

Love this song. Its my comfort song since years, seemingly to perfectly describe how i feel.

BPD culture is crying your eyes out at 1am because you can't understand why it feels like everyone around you hates you or why you feel like a terrible person even though everyone around you says you aren't.

.

I'm sorry for being who i am

God, I wanna love someone so bad.

I wanna give them all of my time.

Text them during every single minute i can steal.

Cuddle them to sleep,

Caress their face,

Stroke trough their hair,

Binge-watching with them..

Someone who doesn't get annoyed.

Someone who gives me the same back.

Fuck Sex, i just wanna feel worthy for more.

I wanna feel loveable. I wanna feel seen.

I wanna feel them.

Sadness & disappointment turns into anger & frustration.

My body throbbs, the tension feeling like a millions stabs with a needle; I can't breath and the air burns in my lungs instead of letting me take a breath.

I yell, i cry, i try to get rid of it by hitting random objects.

I don't feel the pain i should feel from the hit.

I feel how I get dizzy, my ears ring, my skin tingles and my body feels as if its not my own, i want to get myself out of it.

It goes on until i get numb, tears continuing to silently roll down my cheeks.

I realise that i yelled at people, i apologise, i feel guilty and ashamed.

I plan my death, until I realise they aren't mad. It was a misunderstanding.

All caused by some dumb rumors.

Why can't i just stay calm until i know the truth?

We love the feeling of permanent panicattacks

They will never understand the sadness that you can physically feel in your chest

"Your trauma makes you stronger"

No, my trauma gave me depression, quiet & self-destructive bpd, anxiety, insomnia and a inner child that desperately wants to get healed.

Scared of being alone, only pleasing other people desperately trying to have friends, to not be the outstander.

I was a child. I wanted to be protected by the persons that hurt me. I wanted their help & their love. And now I am the person struggling to accept care even though I want it because it makes me feel trapped & dependent. I am the person struggling to show love.

If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.

The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.

But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.

If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.

And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.

Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"

And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.

But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.

But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.

And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.

Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.

The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?

No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.

I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.

I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.

You are my favorite person.

I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.

My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.

You showed me how to live.

You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.

I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.