Depression Tw - Blog Posts

Vent art. Digital. 11th December, 2019.

my intro !!!

charlie!!

they/them [non-binary, afab]

pan aroace [demiromantic+aceflux]

in a relationship!! my amazing dear darling wife: @vodozemacc350

teen [not comfortable w sharing my age, but my age range is 13-16]

4nor3xia, depression, anxiety, sh add1ct (cvtter) + other undiagnosed mental health illnesses (undiagnosed autism n borderline personality disorder)

im chronically ill, but i dont like talking abt it a lot

i talk a lot abt my sh n 4nor3xia, so if u feel uncomf w seeing that, block me, dont report

scene + indie

please use tonetags 4 me ToT

my dms r open, talk to me please TvT

u can ask if u want any of my other social

DNI LIST:

p3dos, z00s, any other ___phile (this is a kinda-dni, im ok w interacting w u as long as u dont say/do anything bad bcz i have trauma from multiple p4rapl1les i met in the past)

h0mophobes, r4cists, tr4nsphobes, m1sogynist, ect.

ESPECIALLY trump supporters

fandoms:

arcane

mouthwashing

pjo

hp

icp

fear street [both books n movies]

mlp

sally face

scream

+ many more that i dont remember rn-

my 4n4 info!!

hw/sw: 45 kg

cw: 44.6 kg

gw1: 42 kg

gw2: 40 kg

ugw: 38kg

thatz it <3 bye ^^

He doesn’t know what to make of it.

It’s ugly and it’s not, it’s beautiful and it’s not, it’s simultaneously everything he could have wanted and everything he dreaded.

She was leaving him.

She was leaving him, and wasn’t that fantastic? Wasn’t that horrible? Wasn’t that everything he could think of, alone but together with himself and a bottle that he could’ve sworn had fused to the callouses on his fingertips, had been superglued there and never ever left.

She was leaving him.

He still had his wedding ring, stuck to his finger in a different way than when you try on a ring and have to take it off with soap and water and time. It was stuck by the adhesive of his own mind. Trapped. He couldn’t take it off, couldn’t bare to pry it away.

She had taken hers off long ago, so why was his still stuck, like the bottle to his callouses and to his lips and permanent streams of saltwater that clung to his cheeks for days and days and days? Why?

All of his breaths were shudders and all of his thoughts were endless strings that never had a conclusion, an essay with an infinite word-count. He could still see the amber spilt on the floor through watery eyes, and still found it ironic that he was back to crying over spilt milk and spilt Jack Daniels and spilt tears and he was crying over everything and nothing and whatever was in between, so why did it matter anyways?

He clenched the bottle even tighter in his hand, and he wasn’t sure how much of it was alcohol and how much of it was his own tears at this point, and he knew he had to stop.

He had always known he needed to stop. He knew he needed to stop the first time he took a secret sip from beer in the fridge and the first time he had a serious hangover and the first time and the first time he met her and the first time she left him and the first time she came back and the first time she left a second time.

So many firsts. To him, the milestones didn’t matter a single bit. To him, all that mattered was that he didn’t have to care about what really did matter. And he was incredibly proficient at that in particular.

So he was good at knowing when to quit, but he was never quite as good at quitting. He was still stuck on that one time she smiled at him and she had looked so genuine, so real, and how she had looked just as real and tired when she said that she wanted a divorce and that she had had another.

She had another, didn’t she? Of course she did, she was always good at back-up plans and back-up-back-up plans. He knew it when she had a beer spilt on her shirt that neither of them liked (like the Jack Daniels on the floor and the milk knocked over to the ground and his heart to hell fires). He knew it when she came home with her lipstick smeared and with her eyes wild, he knew it when she stopped looking him in the eye and started looking at the wall behind him.

(The last time she looked him in the eye she told him straight to his face that she had another.)

(The last time he looked her in the eye he didn’t say a word.)

He stood up and slipped on the whiskey and prayed to whoever was out there that he wouldn’t be able to get up. It didn’t work.

It never worked, did it? Whoever was out there doesn’t care much for people like him anyway, and he could hear in the back of his head the whisper screams of ‘alcoholic’ and ‘acute mania’ his own screams weren’t loud enough. The shards of the bottles scattering everywhere when he smashed them to drown them out hid under his couch and beneath the coffee table to escape him and he understood why, because he was running from himself too, like her.

He didn’t know if there was a God anywhere.

words suck

What are words?

What could she say?

Everything she wanted to say was stuck in her throat, all the ‘I care about you’s and the ‘I’m not mad at you, I just care about you so much that I can’t bear it when you don’t care about yourself’ and all the ‘I don’t know’s.

Because really, she didn’t know.

She didn’t know a lot of things.

She didn’t know what to say to the self-deprecating comments on the side or the casual mentions of not eating as much and being to unhealthy or the anything.

Did she talk about it seriously? Did she sit him down and tell him that he was perfectly fine just the way he is? No. That would make him uncomfortable.

Did she just dismiss or negate the self-deprecating comments and hope he took it seriously? Maybe, but there’s a chance it won’t work.

What are words?

Her parents had always told her that she took things too seriously. In truth, she just didn’t see the point in things not taken or said literally. What was the point in saying something if it isn’t true and you can’t help anyone by saying it?

Sometimes, she wished everyone else took things as seriously as she did. If they did, she wouldn’t have to worry about miscommunication and honesty.

If they did, maybe they’d listen to her.

She had so much to say, but finding a strategy to say it and coming across in the right way so they would pay attention was stressful.

She really wished she could find a way to talk to him in the right way.

What are words?

Taken literally, words are a form of communication, verbal and nonverbal. Words come in many languages and interpretations, so there’s a million ways to say anything that comes to mind.

Words are also a way to shape and share thoughts, going above and beyond the basic need for survival most animals prioritize.

But, as humans are the apex predators, they have a lot of freedom to just think.

And think they do.

What is the meaning of everything? Is there a purpose to life? Is there a reason we’re here? Should we even be here?

Should I even be here?

Why?

And she doesn’t have an answer. She doesn’t know what to say. She never does.

She’s been given a thousand answers to her million questions, and although that’s a lot of answers, it’s not enough in the context.

Will she ever know enough?

Will she ever have enough?

…

Will she ever be enough?

And she doesn’t know.

So she keeps asking questions and hoping for a single answer per every hundred or thousand, and hopes she’ll be enough to help him.

Hopes she’ll be enough to help anybody.

Maybe everyone else sees that she helps one person, and that she must be good at it, and they don’t see the dozen before that she couldn’t help.

Is it enough?

...

Words suck.

You don't want to see me suffer (it's not entertaining).

AJR, The Worlds Smallest Violin // Anne Sexton, The Fury of Rainstorms // Chelsea Martin, MacDonalds is Impossible // Keaton Henson, On Touring // Neil Hilbron, You Can’t Be Depressed // Pat Barker, The Silence of the Girls // Patrick Roche, Every Forty Seconds // Wilfred Owen, Inspection // Rudy Franscisco, When People Ask Me How I’m Doing // Meghan Markle. 

The depression project

Red Hand Prints

This had a serious topic of sexual abuse so if you're sensitive to this topic I suggest not reading further into it

Princess Peach Toadstool

The first time she was kidnapped by Bowser took a toll on her mind,he had raped her which is why she quivers every time he's near. It got so bad,that she tries to keep herself far away from any of the koopas in case they ever took her back to Bowser

She never told anyone besides Daisy,her friend tells her she needs to tell Mario but Peach is afraid that he might hate her for not saying something sooner. So she keeps it to herself which eats away at her

Her kingdom has been falling under her poor rule making it more prone to attacks from Bowser who continues to kidnap her. The most recent kidnap where Mario and Luigi were,they saw how she broke down begging to be let go

"What a pretty face,it's just missing from tape."

Toejam

He was abused by his step dad ever since he was 6. The only one at the time that knew was Earl who tried his best to help him,his step dad was arrested when he turned 15 but the trauma stuck with him through adult hood though he hides it the best he can. His mother knows of the events,but chooses not to acknowledge it..she knew since he was 12

When someone makes a 'joke' about rape or child abuse,he snaps at them. He would avoid speaking to them for long periods of time,it's something that drives people away from him

"Why would anyone like a freak like you? I'm the best you got."

When people tell him,'you'll get over it' he would snap at them as well telling them,'You don't understand anything I'm going through!'

He doesn't go outside much,the only one who can get through his walls that he built is Earl. Though he keeps things from him in deeper walls he kept since childhood

Ring Ring

She was attacked and raped by a robber who broke into her house. She stayed far away from everyone since that robber lived in town and she's scared she might encounter them again. Her 'enemy' Pucca would talk to her about it to try to make her feel better

Although people are helping her,she still stays away from the town and breaks down when she's surprised by someone that's playing an innocent joke on her

She has trouble sleeping in her own room,she sleeps in her closet encase that robber comes back. Her parents are trying to get her better but she still feels afraid of being home

"Keep it down bitch."

Mega Rock Man

He has since never left the lab fearing he'll find himself back at his lab again..then the abuse will just get worser and worser. His dreams keep him up,every time he closes his eyes..he sees Wily standing above him looking down at him with a smile on his face

He was kidnapped in his own house and raped by his enemy for 2 years before finally being allowed to leave.

His father and sister have been trying to help him recover from the events,but it hardly ever works in the slightest

His dad upgraded the security system so Wily won't get back,but Mega stays up still..afraid that he will still break in and take him away..again. His sister takes the role of the protector and tells him that Wily doesn't seem to be thinking of going after him. He knows that's a lie,he was going to do it again..he said it himself

"Moans don't lie..you're enjoying this."

Ma-San

She was violated by her music teacher that she put all her trust in. After that moment,she sworn to never trust another person,If anyone asks why she's late to anything,she would snap at them telling them,'That's none of your business!' Her teacher tells her it was normal and that he loved her. It was all a lie and she knew it. Everyday,the violating would get worse and one day she was raped by him

Since that day,she's been more angry towards people. Her parents been trying to talk to her,but she would ignore them. Lammy,was the one to find out about the teacher. Ma-San decided to block her out as well thinking she knows what she's doing

Lammy would tell her that she's willing to confront the teacher but Ma-San refuses her help since she's too stubborn to let anyone help her. But it's hurting her more as she keeps this secret away from everyone

"This is our secret,so keep that pretty mouth of yours shut."

Bolo

He was being groomed by a woman ever since she started babysitting him. She would get way too comfy with him and when he turned 12,she started her advances against him. But he was told he couldn't do anything,she's a female..only females could get raped right? Right?

He did tell his friends but it was more as a joke,but Shantae and Sky found it serious. They told him to confront her and tell her it's wrong

One day,he did tell her when she came over as a 'surprise'. But she started to play the victim card saying he was raping HER,she told him if he told the guards then she would tell them how he raped her. Then they would be on HER side because she's female. Bolo stayed silent since then,those words engraving in to his mind

"Smile more honey. Every girl loves a man who smiles."

So yeah. This isn’t canon(I think) just some head-canons I wrote for my stories since I’m that pathetic..

The red around them represents where they were touched if you didn’t catch that in the first place

Goretober day 1-3

Gore Down Below. I suck at gore..soooooo..yeah. It’s mainly blood. K? K.

Day 1:Impaled

Day 2:Glitch

Day 3:Bloodbath