Disordered Eating Thoughts - Blog Posts

Something happened today

Something that made me think.

We went to get food, my friends and I

We went to get food delighted and waiting to buy.

One step closer i get nervous,

Do i really have to eat?

Another step closer,

My heart starts pumping with quickened beats.

We get the food, my friends and I,

One big plate to share amongst us three.

They each grab a spoon and give one to me

They each have a bite and look at me,

Waiting to see if I liked the taste.

Was it always this scary to eat?

Was i always so afraid of their eyes on me?

No, thats not true.

But then whats wrong?

Why can't i eat even though it's what i want?

I stand there awkwardly trying to get a spoonfull

I stand there awkwardly hoping to run away if i could.

In the end I said I didn't want to eat and smiled

In the end , even though I didnt want to I lied.

I thought about it all the way home

And then i thought about it some more.

It makes me sad because I wanted to eat

It makes me mad because I held myself back.

I wanted to be like them when their eyes sparkled at the taste

I wanted to be like them when they ate each bite with no shame on their face.

Im always so ashamed to eat

Even though its a basic need

Im always so ashamed they'd see

And so i hide away behind smiles and a mumbled "Its okay I'm fine"

Something happened today,

Something that made me blink

At the absurdity of my own mind

For making me feel such shame

Over something so small,

Like having a bite.

-scaredofmyvoice

I usually wait till I have atleast a few poems written before I post but this has been on my mind for hours now and I just wanted to let it out.

It's been a rough day guys :<

Small Intro ~

Tw Ed

~ My name is Clara (shorted version of actual name), "Gael" is a nickname I've come to adore, but any one works.

Age: 18

Height: 5'6"

~ hw: 176 lb

~ cw: 155 lb

~ gw: 130 lb

~ ugw: 110 lb or lower

I'm fasting and have moderate exercise from my customer service job.

I'm starting to exercise at home in my room, though its sometimes difficult because I can't find the best routine. If anyone has any workout routines you are willing to share, please let me know!

I'm doing all I can to distract myself from eating, which is pretty easy because I have a lot of hobbies and some summer classes to keep me busy.

I am extrememly insecure about ny thighs and middrift. Mostly my thighs because they EXPAND when I sit down.

I prefer sweetspo over meanspo since I have attachment issues and will do anything to please the person being nice to me.

I calculated my bmi and dream weight online and if i want to reach it for december i have to eat NOTHING. It literally said "your daily intake to achieve your goal should be 0cal"

LMAO

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ DISCORD SERVER

I made a discord server for 18+ @n@/m1a/3d peeps who like anime and games!

There are lots of stuffs there already lmao. Gaming channel, anime channel, vent and a bunch of 3d related ones like th1nspø, m3alspø, tips and shared mesdia! You can reccomend your favourite music, movie that triggers you.

There is not a lot of people on it, and it's still under "construction", so suggestions are welcome!

Link:

https://disboard.org/server/1174491466287030303

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ NOVEMBER

I decided that I am kot gonna date things lmao. Kinda feeling mentay frustrated, so I hoped a break would make it better. It, in fact, did not.

I am in one discord server and people are really really nice, but I feel like I abandoned that server and I just dunno. I'd like a community where I can ramble about my silly things and people motivate eachother to push through things. Don't get me wrong, like I said they are really nice, motivating and everything. I just feel like I didn't connect much, but that can be just me.

Anyhow, a gaming-ana server is what I wanna make. For sillies that are like me idk. I might just need more friends lmaoo.

Also I have been fasting for two days now but my period just decided to come, so ugh. Fortunately whenever it happens I don't feel much hunger, so I can just fast and be happy. I am planning on going til saturday because I am meeting up with a friend that day and we already made plans to visit a café. Im sure he will make a suggestion to eat something somewhere too.

So yes yippee. That is for this update. I might restart the logging.

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 14

Mom asked me to accompany her to give my sister a lift to uni and while driving back we stopped to pick up a package and to buy some ribbons for my halloween costume. I decided to look for cute plates, mainly heart shaped ones and although I did find two types, one was too deep and big -also had blood on it so I had go scrub and sanitise my hands raw because I felt icky - and the other was too shallow for me. Unfortunately I didn't buy a cute plate but a basic small ceramic one.

I love how the trees are colorful, how chilly yet somehow warm it is in autumn. I could wear my current favourite sweater and pants that are now big on me a bit. Mom always tells me that I am getting really skinny and I love the attention I get from other people.

Oh! Also I am finally at my lowest weight in 5 years! Still high, but it is going down surely and I am addicted.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Basmati rice with tuna, broccoli and peas 200g - 466 cal

➀ Banana - 62 cal

Water - 1.4l/2l

Full - 528 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 6394/10000 - 259 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 259 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 13

I went to school today, but didn't have the best day, because I got angry at my classmate for some silly reason, so I feel like I need to apologise. Maybe it was the hunger in me, maybe I just didn't sleep well.

Also I took a walk on the treadmill again to get to 10k steps. Dunno if I mentioned or not but whenever I don't get to at least 6k steps I feel guilt and I feel like I don't put in the work I should.

Once again didn't exercise. I could blame it on the absence of a watch that would note the calories I burnt, but I would be lying. Well half lying. I may be just too lazy.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

➁ Green apples 140g - 81 cal

➂ Eggs with light mayo 83g - 119 + 24 cal

Water - 1,2l/2l

Full - 224 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 10499/10000 - 422 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 422 cal

What the hell noone told me losing weight is so addictive. I can already feel my hipbone and ribs so much????

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 12

I stayed home, just like yesterday and this pressure of not putting in enough steps for me to feel comfortable was getting too much so I decided go use the treadmill and walk on it for an hour and 50 minutes. It was so good honestly, in the confinement of my own home, comfortable and quiet while I can do whatever as I walk and I don't need to look out for people I would bump into or cars that could hit me.

Sadly as much as I promised myself to eat as little as possible when mom came home, saying she bought some cookies and sweets I caved. I may have mentioned this, I am not one to crave sweet things, especially if it's sticky, full of cream and sugar. Yeah, well to my misfortune everything she brought home was notjing of sort, so I indulged. Lavender cookies, snow crescents, small piece of bundt cake and gingerbread macaroons. I could look for a basic recipe but I doupt I could calculate the correct estimate of calories.

I try not to dwell, thoughts of simply not listing these down had ran through my mind but I would be only lying to my own self.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➀ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➁ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

➀ Hell energy drink 250ml (lemon & ginger) - 118 cal

➁ Green apples 326g - 189 cal

➂ Eggs 130g - 186 cal

Water - 1,6l/2l

Full - 493 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 11781/10000 - 476 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 476 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 11

Broke my 60 hour fast with some tuna today. (To be honest I don't remember what exactly I wanted to note down, because I am writing this on the 13th so im sorry)

I really want to restrain myself from snacking on things while I cook and/or bake, because I ate so many seedless cherries, what wouldn't be a problem, but they were kept in a sugary water that preserves the cherries for longer and ugh. I don't even know how I should estimate that.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

➀ Tuna with tomatoes - 157 cal

➅ Shrimp chips 13g - 45 cal

➀ Cinnamon roll - 199 cal

➃ Choco-coconut balls - 431 cal

Water - 1,7l/2l

Full - 832 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 6953/10000 - 281 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 281 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 9

Been fasting all day, yippee! It was really cold today and had to wear a sweater and a jumper over it and both of them felt looser.

Tomorrow will be a bit warmer fortunately, but overall I am glad that autumn is finally showing up, even though it was kinda late this year.

I also went shopping with mom and I saw so so SO many nice knitted sweaters. I always like just trying clothes on or just looking at the colors, feeling the fabric, trying to find the best kind of material. I uses to buy XXL clothes to feel comfortable in, to feel that they are lose on my body. This time I bought an XL and it felt loose and comfortable, even though I only lost 5kg so far.

I also bought hairdye with my classmate and dyed my hair from a poopie blonde and greenish blue to a color that matches Hatchi's haircolor. My ends stayed a lilac color because the blue stained my hair pretty bad, but it's fine because I will dye my hair until it fades or comes out.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➀ Plain black coffee - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

Water - 1.2l/2l

Full - 0 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 11499/10000 - 462 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 462 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 2.

I ate only this morning and fasted the whole day. Tomorrow is another sucky one because I accompany mom to her work place then go to school so she will ask me to bring something and knowing myself I will eat it probably, but let's hope for the best!

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Apples (211g) - 110 cal

➀ Black coffee with ice - 0 cal

➀ Tuna-egg-mayo sandwich - 280** cal

➀ Pickwick green tea (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0cal

Water - 3l/2l

Full - 390** cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 8510/10000 - 346 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 346 cal

*edit - math is not my strong suit and i added the tomorrow's sandwich's stats too...

**edit 2 - I forgot that I need to count in percentage when I multiply (my last math lesson was 2 years ago)

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ edblr intro!

I support recovery! Please take care of yourselves!

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🤍 ɞ ｡° ✧

♡ Via/Anonyma

♡ 20 years old

♡ 5'4 - 165 cm

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🤍 ɞ ｡° ✧

₊˚⊹♡ hw: 187 lbs - 85 kg

₊˚⊹♡ 1st gw: 165 lbs - 75 kg - REACHED on OCT. 5

₊˚⊹♡ 2nd gw: 154 lbs - 70 kg - REACHED on DEC. 6

₊˚⊹♡ 3rd gw: 143 lbs - 65 kg

₊˚⊹♡ 4th gw: 132 lbs - 60 kg

₊˚⊹♡ 5th gw: 121 lbs - 55 kg

₊˚⊹♡ 6th gw: 110 lbs - 50 kg

₊˚⊹♡ ugw: 100 lbs - 45 kg

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🤍 ɞ ｡° ✧

I play games like resident evil, dmc, metal gear, but I also like watching anime and cartoons.

Looking for moots and friends to interact with! ₊ ⊹

Feel free to dm, rb and like if you are active!

Anyone else crying in their living room at four in the morning?

Context: I had a breakdown and ate two pieces of toast. AFTER A 72 HOUR FAST

LIKE C'MON MAN WTF WHY AM I LIKE THIS

being hungry and saying no to food>>>>

I have been binging for 2 weeks straight

Someone send help

How do I stoppppp

E D heaven

Therese cheese pizza at work TORMENTING me

Fb *again* knows what's up

Lunch

Binged today 🙃🙃🙃

Maccies pizza malteasers

My car broke down and so did I

More money I don't have

Oh well at least won't be able to afford food

I feel so discouraged lately.

Scale isn't budging, body isn't changing

Yet I'm practically starving myself, walking shit ton and excercising

Done metabolism days then restriction etc

It's like my body will never go down past a certain weight

Please tell me you guys have experienced this

Annoyed

One and I mean ONE good thing about 2 metabolism days back to back is...

Taking a massive shit 😎😎😎

A win is a win