I Fucking Hate Emotions

In another universe, I'm kind to everyone I know and myself. In another universe I am no longer frugal with love. In another universe when I pick up the phone, I answer it with "I love you" instead of "Y'ellow!"

In another universe I don't feel bad for asking for a hug. In another universe I don't infect everything around me with how awful I am. In another universe I reach out and hold your hand and you hold mine back.

how can someone’s absence affect me so much while my presence doesn’t affect them at all

switching between needing physical touch and wanting to rip my skin off at the thought of another human being touching me

I want everyone to know that there are queers in the hollers of Appalachia, in the bayous and marshland of the Deep South, in Southwestern deserts, through the Ozark mountains and up to the Rockies. There are queers in the Great Plains, there are queers in rural America, in trailer parks of the Osage foothills. In the places you least expect us to live, we are here, carving out community and fighting for liberation with pride despite it all. Stop forgetting about us. Stop overlooking our experiences and our impact just because we don’t live in a Big Gay City. And for the love of God, stop looking at us with pity.

*scrolls* *giggles* *presses reblog* *scrolls* "literally me" *presses reblog* *scrolls *reads intensely* "oh thats so sad op. thats so real though." *presses reblog* *scrolls* "omg thats so cute!" *presses reblog*

needy streamer overload

I bought the game because it was on sale so I don't regret buying it.

and it reminded me of an app called virtual and how you can be a vt-uber and shit. so i said fuck it why not im bored and lonely and might as well be a cute anime girl too.

i redownloaded it

but for fuck sakes its camera is awful at tracking

and im so goddam awful at socializing and i fucking wished it had an app on the pc BUT EVEN IF IT DID MY SHIT INTERNET IS SO GODDAM SLOW AND I CANT DO SHIT JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE

so im stuck here in my room doing nothing but be on my phone and laptop. seeing other people do things i want to do. why cant that be me also. If i can't do shit how am i going to earn money. my anxiety holds me back i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this.

the only friend i have are online but even that is a pain in the ass BECAUSE OF MY SHITTY ASS WIFI THE FUCKING PING IS SO DAMN HIGH SO IM JUST WATCHING THEM HANGOUT WITH EACHOTHER WHILE I JUST STAND BY AND WATCH I CANT EVEN DOWNLOAD FUCKING VALORANT WITHOUT IT TAKING THE WHOLE DAY BITCH ASS CUNT KYS

y'know, *lights cigarette* back in my day, subcultures used to be about the culture, and not just the appearance of it to people outside of it. *puts cigarette in my mouth the wrong way* ow ouch owee ow oww

For many years of longing, I craved attention from my favorite people. To be loved, to be looked at, to be the only thing in their mind.

I would obsess over them day and night. Where my life was bleak and boring without any interaction with them. I'd get depressed and hopeless without their attention, imagining hurtful scenarios of them leaving, and remembering that these feelings of mine will forever be within me. They will never know. I will not let them know. No matter how much I like them this feeling.

At the same time, I hate it with a passion. I do not like feeling like I have no control. So I do what's best. I ghost everything just because of one person. I leave. But I always come back pathetically yearning for their attention again. Because I can't stand being alone.

You know what's funny though? I met someone... who for the first time reciprocated my feelings without me having to say anything.

I was scared. I was so scared.

I've always been an obsessive person to those I liked. So why... did I hate it the moment they liked me back?

Did i even like them? If not, then does that mean i didn't actually like the previous people before?

Did i simply make up an image of them?

Or is it that I just don't like him? And maybe that's why I didn't like his confession.

I feel gross. I hate that I rejected him and I went back to using him as fuel for my sick fantasies. I hate that I still want his attention.

I hate looking at blogs that have romantic shit that says cheesy things like "what I crave for him to do."

I hate it

I no longer look at men with such rose-tinted glasses anymore. I feel empty. I feel repulsed.

I feel nothing at all.