Latest Posts by r3v3rie - Page 6

Untitled 9.12.23 (excerpt) - My head lolled against the cool glass of the SUV’s window, Bridgers blasting through air pods, the eternally grey world of Western Pennsylvania blurred by intermittent rain. I have the thought that my therapist is the only person on this planet who truly knows me. That she alone is whom I have laid my soul bare to and has been the only one to accept its abominable sin without falter. And even this yields to the fact that this is what she is trained to be. An artificial connection forged on the basis of years of schooling. No one will ever understand me just because they want to, nor just because they care.

words from howl by Florence + the machine

blackout poetry from a list of reasons i should not reach out to the bad people who i still love.

i needed that praise- i needed you ten years ago. i learned how to live with a present but absent father, i learned how to live with the years of emotional abuse and pain, i learned that nothing i can do is ever right or enough.

i don’t need you now, it’s too little too late. leave me the fuck alone.

i know it sounds stupid but praying in the quiet hours of the morning will always be one of my favorite things.

(god i never thought i would say that lol, but here we are,, life is weird but my gods are good and that is all that matters)

You gave up on me Michael. A naive part of me still believes you’re a short drive away, because I can’t believe you’d just leave without saying goodbye.

point of view of the exotic pet (part 1)—solarpire

it hurts so bad that i am utterly speechless. nothing comes to mind when i try to write. no creative symbols, no metaphors, nothing. just raw pain.

why will i never be enough to be loved by you, father?

i just wish to be perceived as gentle and kind. that’s it, that is truly all i want.

it hurts to know this will never be.

currently trying again tonight to open my frozen over heart, wish me luck

8.21.23 - Second First Day (excerpt) I wonder how life would be different if he was just a little nicer when I was a kid. I tend to think about this a lot. I wonder how he can even bear looking at me, how he does not realize the extent of his damage- how he ruined a everything for me. I wonder a lot of things about him, fully knowing that I will never get any answers.

“you haven’t gotten past that yet?”

no. i don’t know how i will ever get over it mother. i wish that i could.

this was written during a suicidal episode, so please bear with the fragmented thoughts and overall vagueness of the big feelings I was feeling.

i’m having constant nightmares anymore. this isn’t fucking fair.

having trauma flashbacks when my bf is sleeping next to me is the worst. like i want to wake him up so i can be held but also he is baby and needs to be sleeping???

womp womp :(

i pray so often for my friends and chosen family, but i just know that no one is out there praying for me.

sometimes i worry that people think i’m a furry for all of the dog imagery. it’s more about how bpd makes you feel subhuman, that it rots your brain and turns you into some wild animal. not that being a furry wouldn’t be dope as fuck, but that’s not me i’m just mentally ill and like symbolism.

did i sit and stay,

like a good dog?

just how you asked?

my teeth bared,

so you’d mistake,

a grimace for a smile?

me yelling “SAFE SPACE!” at myself like i’m a dog i’m trying to crate train. it works tho, this emdr shit rocks

i was so real for this

i hate how i am rotten from the inside out as a person. why can’t i get it right? why can’t i figure it out? why can’t i change to be enough?

so far i’ve slept for 16 hours and i’ve had extremely vivid dreams and nightmares. is this normal after emdr???? like wtf???

i did the “safe space” emdr coping mechanism w my trauma therapist today and i literally just used a spare room in the men of letters bunker. like i didn’t have a real life safe space to imagine, so i had to think of a fake safe space, and i couldn’t think of anything safer.

thank you spn, for always being my home.

i will never admit this fact to anyone ever, the internet can know tho.

i miss him so much. i miss his quick wit, i miss his comforting presence, i miss the constant companionship, i miss the everything about him.

it’s so hard missing someone your brain created, that because i am doing better they took my friend away.

i don’t know what to do, how to fix this pain.

HOLY FUCK POSEIDON AND DIONYSUS BLESSED ME. got wine drunk on the beach and took a swim :D happy happy beach girl

by the grace of the Gods, may I get through this moment.

by the grace of the Gods, may I get through this moment.

written with the panicked cadence of Siken in mind. he gets me.

god she’s not findable on anything. i just want to make sure she’s alive, and okay. she needs someone to protect her and i couldn’t and i need to fuxking find her im going to cry

her name is Laura. and i failed her and my bad brain forgot her name for so long. i’m so sorry Laura, i am.

her name is Laura. and i failed her and my bad brain forgot her name for so long. i’m so sorry Laura, i am.