Techno: He's A Volatile Species, He Can't Be Trusted...

Ranboo yelling at Quackity: "I will fight you!"

Tubbo glaring at Quackity from behind Ranboo: *mouthing "Try it and I will kill you*

This man runs on 70% denial and 30% spite

Every time I read a headcanon about Bruno trying to be intimidating with Félix and Agustín when they started dating his sisters, I laugh, because I only can imagine this weak, tiny boy standing there sheepishly between Pepa and Julieta while they go on full intimidating mode TOWARDS THEIR OWN BOYFRIENDS with something like “you better don’t mistreat our brother or we’ll give you both hell”, and then Félix and Agustín staring at Bruno, who shrugs with that tee-hee face of him and says “sorry, guys, they feel guilty for monopolizing the space and food at mom’s womb and leaving me like this”.

Lucifer: *is drowning*

Jack: I'd save him but who am I to play god?

Gabriel: YOU ARE LITERALLY THE GOD NOW!!!!

Percy + The Prewett Twins - Headcanon List

I’ve had this in my queue for so long it’s almost ridiculous, so I just thought I’d post it now. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long while lol. Off we go!

- During the first wizarding world war, the Weasleys decided to split up, they thought it would be wisest. When Percy was born, the war began to get more intense and even worse. Percy was placed with his two uncles, Fabian and Gideon, who were ecstatic to get the kid who looked so much like them. He was placed there when he was three years old. 

- He didn’t act much like them, it turned out, but they were okay with that. He had their hair, their sister’s smile, and their best friend’s eyes, and he was so incredibly precious. 

- They raised him with love and care, it distracted them from their own pain. The two took turns reading to Percy and took turns holding him. They didn’t need to think so much about the pains of war with their nephew right in front of them.

- The rare times the three of them all went out in public, people often asked which one of twins was Percy’s father. Gideon would laugh loudly as Percy would say “they can’t be my father if they’re my uncles?” Fabian would repeat what Percy said and the person would be embarrassed.

- Percy watched them both die. He was only 4 or 5 at the time, so it didn’t truly register what happened until it did. The twins fought valiantly, but they were eventually brought to their demise by the killing curse. 

- He did the only thing he could, and flooed to the burrow. He had seen Fabian do it before, and he thought it would work. He was sobbing, unable to breathe by the time he had gotten home. Because there was soot in his lungs, on his clothes, and his uncles were dead. Two people very close to his heart now gone forever.

- For a long time, Percy didn’t consider The Burrow home. Fabian and Gideon’s house was home, not this place. This place was filled with people who knew him but he didn’t know, it was scary, this new place. It was familiar, but new. 

- Molly would cry often after she tucked Percy into bed, because he looked so much like them and he had to see them die and merlin, the pain he must be feeling-

- Percy didn’t remember who Arthur was when he came home forever once the war ended, and had a very hard time being comfortable around him. The relationship only slightly improved over the years, much to Arthur’s chagrin. 

- For quite a few years, he spoke very little. He didn’t speak unless spoken to first, and even then he was still quite quiet. He was a shy child, always. As he grew to be a teenager, he was shy with those his age still, perhaps even more severely than it had been when he was younger, but he was fine and confident around adults. 

Cicero oh so humbly asks the listener to make some headcanons about him~

Of course! Crackhead Crusty the clown, love the bastard. This is gonna be long. 

- Cicero is a very good whistler. On days where his voice grew hoarse and faint from speaking to the Night Mother for hours on end, he’d opt to whistle a sweet tune for her instead. It’s one of the few things he can do in the sanctuary that won’t get on everyone else’s nerves. Though, at times it can be a bit creepy. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night in a dark, underground cave, and the only thing you can hear is an eerie, solemn whistle from a direction you can’t even discern. The fact that he’s an actual assassin and a jester makes it worse. He definitely does it to toy with his victims and freak them out when he’s traveling with the Listener.

- When he was much younger and much less insane, he was a bit of a ladies man back in The Imperial city, where he grew up. He’s always had a knack for sugaring up his words, especially so by song and prose, even before taking up the jester persona. He was definitely very good at using it to his advantage in his youth. He could charm near any woman willing to make eye contact, whether by reciting a memorized poem, or singing a sweet song. His silver tongue got him out of sticky situations where he almost got caught on his jobs as well.

- Get’s very antsy after a while without being told what to do or given a task. He’s dedicated his entire life to serving the Night Mother and the Listener, and being without an objective for too long really bugs him out. He literally doesn’t know how to function properly without having someone order him around and have him do things for them, it’s kind of sad. 

- He has very vivid nightmares from time to time, where he’s back on his last contract when The Jester was killed. Only this time, he’s the Jester, and he’s under the raised knife of shadowy figure he can’t quite see. His chest aches from the action of manic laughter, but nothing escapes his open mouth. He’s wrapped in deafening, creeping silence as the shadowy assailant plunges their knife into his chest, again and again. He sees the night mother standing near him, peering silently, scrutinizing him with a disappointed and angry look. He knows she’s angry that he won’t laugh for her; instead, he’s dying in pathetic silence. No manner of grisly death or torture frightens this man, except the disappointment of his unholy matron. He’s almost shook back into sanity when he awakes, and many of the other members revel in the fact that Cicero is silent for once, unaware of the unfortunate reason why.

- His excessive attachment to the Night Mother stems from the unfortunate loss of his own mother when he was at a young age. On one summer night in the Imperial City, when the air was sticky and warm and the sun was melting out of the evening sky, his mother did not return from work. She was a strong-headed woman, hardened by a life of poverty and the struggle of surviving while raising a child alone. He scarcely remembers her now in his adulthood, but as a young boy he would trail her all around their small shed of a home, clinging to the ends of her tattered dress. She worked for meager pay as a seamstress, stationed daily in the back rooms of a clothing shop patching holes, sewing buttons onto robes, and trimming fabric. She never came come after the sun set, adamant on not leaving her son in the care of her elderly neighbors after dark. When the moon peaked through the dusk clouds, he was sent to bed by the elderly couple who watched him on his mother’s work days. When he awoke in the morning, and his mother still had not returned, his insisted on helping search for her. He was met with a firm “no, you should wait here while we go find your mommy” but he was not having it. He screamed and cries until they gave in and let him tag along. They had turned down an alley nearby at the sight of torn clothes discarded on the ground, and the old couple pushed him backwards and covered his eyes a moment too late, for he’d already caught a glimpse of his mother’s bloodied, lifeless body. He has no conscious memory of those moments, he has no memory of ever having a mother to begin with, and he has no memory of the folded paper left next to her body, with an inky black handprint smudged into the middle of it. 

- He spent a good portion of his childhood after that at a rundown orphanage. He was a loner among the other children and scarcely spoke a word. He spent his waking hours playing by himself in the corner, picking apart dead bugs and skeevers with pins and shards of glass he found strewn about. He’d giggle and chortle as the blood smeared onto his hands, painting on scraps of old parchment with it. Any couple looking to adopt would immediately turn their gaze away from him, and onto one of his peers. He went many years without being brought to a new home until one day, close to his eleventh birthday, a pair of men dressed in darkened robes with red embellishments made their way inside the orphanage. Much to his surprise, they approached him. He was sat on the floor, carving away at his wooden bedpost with a dagger he most certainly was not permitted to have. For a moment he feared they would tell on him and get him in trouble, but they did nothing of the sort. Instead they asked his name, and when he murmured out a very shy “Cicero”, they took him by the hand and led him outside and to his new home. He was educated from that day on about the ways of the Night Mother, and the importance of the Five Tenets. He was glad to see there were a few handful of other children near his age at the new home that the two men called “The Sanctuary.” As a young child, with repressed trauma from his mother’s murder, he ate that cult shit up and immediately swore unwavering fidelity to the Night Mother and Dread Father, and not for a moment in his life did it ever diminish. Not in the silence of his matron, and not in the presence of the false leader. 

- He really likes carrots because he finds it cool that they match his hair. Literally, that’s the only reason why. Ironically he also loves rabbits, despite hating most other animals. Probably smuggled a few pet rabbits into the sanctuary over the years growing up. Definitely pesters and prods the Listener/dragonborn to let him have one as well, now that they’re the leader and can demand the other members put up with it. Eventually he gets one and names it something stupid like Cornelius. 

i fucked around on a random incorrect quote generator but with sbi/bee duo/chuckle sammie

(made with this)

SBI

Phil: I think we're missing something.

Wilbur: Teamwork?

Techno: Cohesion?

Tommy: A general sense of what we’re doing?

-

(Phil's helping Wilbur out after they get injured, while the others are watching)

Techno: How does Wilbur look?

Tommy: A little better than you, actually.

-

Phil: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Wilbur: Is it me, Phil?

Phil: No, it’s not you.

Techno: Is it me, Phil?

Phil: It’s not you either.

Tommy: Is it me, Phil?

Phil:

Phil, mockingly: Is IT mE Phil?

-

Phil: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Wilbur: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Techno: I personally was created in a lab.

Tommy: I just straight up spawned lol.

-

Phil: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Wilbur: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Techno: I got distracted about halfway through.

Tommy: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

-

Phil: Why is Wilbur so sad?

Techno: They took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Phil: And...?

Wilbur: I got Tommy.

-

Phil: You know those things will kill you, right?

Wilbur, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Techno, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Tommy: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

-

Phil: *Gently taps table*

Wilbur: *Taps back*

Tommy: What are they doing?

Techno: Morse code.

Phil: *Aggressively taps table*

Wilbur: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

-

Phil: Can I be frank with you guys?

Wilbur: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Tommy: Can I still be Tommy?

Techno: Shh, let Frank speak.

-

Bee Dou

Tubbo, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me

Ranboo, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

-

Tubbo: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Ranboo: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

-

Tubbo: A theif.

Ranboo: Thief?

Tubbo: Theif.

Ranboo: I before E, except after C.

Tubbo: Thceif.

Ranboo: No.

-

Tubbo: I made tea.

Ranboo: I don’t want tea.

Tubbo: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Ranboo: Then why are you telling me?

Tubbo: It is a conversation starter.

Ranboo: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Tubbo: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

-

Tubbo: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Ranboo: What did you do?

Tubbo: Nobody died.

Ranboo: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

-

Tubbo: Ranboo and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-

Ranboo: Sentences.

Tubbo: Don't interrupt me.

-

Tubbo: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Ranboo: Thank you

Tubbo: I didn't say that was a good thing

Ranboo: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

-

Tubbo: Change is inedible.

Ranboo: Don't you mean inevitable?

Tubbo, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

-

Tubbo, talking to Ranboo on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?

Ranboo: You bet!

Tubbo: At what temperature?

Ranboo: 535.

Tubbo: That's the clock.

Ranboo:

Tubbo:

Ranboo: 536.

-

Chuckle Sandwich

Charlie, whispering to Ted, who’s on the phone with Schlatt: Ask them something!

Ted: How are you feeling?

Schlatt: Fine.

Charlie: Something personal!

Ted: At what age did you first get your period?

-

(The squad is trying to con some random guy)

Charlie: Um, Ted, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?

Ted: We need money!

Charlie: You're scamming him?

Ted: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?

Charlie: What?! No way!

Ted: Why not? We already stole Schlatt!

Schlatt: Hey guys

Charlie: No, we didn't. Schlatt can think and talk for themself, they can do whatever they want!

Schlatt: I wanna steal

-

Charlie: You have to apologize to Ted

Schlatt: Fine.

Schlatt: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

-

Charlie: Hey Ted,

Ted: Yes?

Charlie: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?

Ted:

Ted: Where’s Schlatt?

-

Charlie: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Ted: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Schlatt: In that case, we're definitely lost.

-

Charlie: If you had to choose between Ted and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Schlatt: That depends, how much money are we talking about?

Ted: Schlatt!

Charlie: 63 cents.

Schlatt: I'll take the money.

Ted: SCHLATT!!!

-

Ted: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Schlatt: How am I supposed to know?

Charlie: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge.

Schlatt: *sighs*

Schlatt: You wouldn't be trapped.

-

Schlatt: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.

Ted, amazed: Wow...

Charlie, to Ted: Well what does that mean?

Ted: I don't know.

Ted, to Schlatt: What does that mean?

-

Ted: If Schlatt and I were drowning, who would you save?

Charlie: You two can’t swim?

Schlatt: It’s a hypothetical question, Charlie! who would you save?

Charlie: my time and effort.

-

Ted, driving Schlatt and Charlie: So how was your day?

Charlie: We almost got surprise adopted!

Ted: What?

Schlatt: We almost got kidnapped.

Ted: Oh, okay.

Ted: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

-

Ted: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Schlatt: The cow???

Ted: What?

Charlie: Schlatt, W H Y?

“Ranboo: Tubbo and I don’t use pet names. Tommyinnit: I see. Hey, what do bees make? Ranboo: Honey? Tubbo: Yes, dear? Ranboo: Tommyinnit: Don’t ever lie to my face again.”

—

Skyrim/Witcher Crossover - Cicero Fuckeries

alright so i’m gonna make this its own post since I have a lot in mind for this specific lil scenario, and i don’t want to make a too big a text wall ajs;dlfkjasldk

just hear me out on this one, this would be a lot more entertaining than you might think

Cicero, Geralt and Jaskier first meet out on the road, out in front of the Loreius farm

Geralt was fully intent on ignoring Cicero’s call for help, but Jaskier is the one to be like “hey, why don’t we give this guy a hand?”

honestly the two prolly bicker a bit on what they should do but then Jaskier hits him with That Look and Geralt finally relents

Geralt helps up to the farm while Jaskier sticks around with Cicero, making small talk 

aint long for Geralt to come back down the hill with Loreius in tow - really not hard for him to change Loreius’s mind on the whole ordeal

Jaskier finds the little man very odd, but still fun to talk to 

Cicero also thinks he’s fun, but at the same time, i would not be surprised in the slightest if he’s lowkey plotting a murder - getting mother home stays his blade, of course, but if he has the free time? hmm… tempting, tempting indeed… 

Once Loreius is down there helping Cicero, Geralt starts to leave, but Cicero calls out to him, asks him to wait, before tossing a coin purse his way as a thank you

he accepts it without a word, and off Geralt and Jaskier go

Jaskier has no idea what’s up with Cicero, but Geralt knows there’s something definitely not right 

he wasn’t lying about his mother being in that box, as far as he could tell - his sharp sense of smell confirmed it - but there was just something… wrong. something dark. something evil

they don’t see each other again for a while, not until the Cure for Madness happens and Cicero is all alone in Dawnstar (assuming he’s been spared)

Geralt and Jaskier happen to be there, too, looking for work 

they’re in the tavern, with Jaskier playing tunes for coin and Geralt sitting alone at a table, watching him and takin swigs of his ale, and Cicero sees em and he’s just like !!!!!!

just scampers his tiny ass over to Geralt and plops down next to him with a big smile on his face 

“Well, well, well! Long time, no see, dearest Witcher! I was wondering if we’d ever cross paths again.”

“Cicero.” 

they chat up a storm - or more Cicero’s talking to him while Geralt listens and prolly says like… five words in one sentence at most

definitely asks about his mother, who Cicero simply says is enjoying her new home 

which confirms something on Geralt’s mind, but he keeps it to himself

Jaskier had seen the jester walk over to Geralt while he was performing, and once he’s done he goes over to say hello

ain’t long before it’s the three of them sittin there, chattin it up. Err, well, Cicero and Jaskier chatting it up while Geralt offers his most enlightening hmm’s

something something Cicero ends up more or less inviting himself along on the adventure since he, at that time between the Cure for Madness and the end of the DB questline, has nowhere else to be 

something something also tagging along so he can go through with his little Jaskier murder plot 

something something he does attempt to kill him a couple times but some thing or another foils it without him actually getting caught by the bard in question, or more importantly, Geralt 

mind you, Jaskier actually likes Cicero - as eccentric as the man is, he relates 

but then he hits him with the bard joke 

and poor Jaskier 

a lad is CONCERNED

HE’S TALKIN ABOUT SMASHIN LUTES AND BURNIN BARDS

starts sticking around Geralt a bit closer than usual

Cicero learns very, very quickly that you do not make murder jokes around Geralt 

he does not appreciate them 

he especially does not appreciate murder jokes about Jaskier 

Regardless of this, Cicero tries very hard to get Geralt to laugh when the three of them are out on the road 

he’s never seen him do anything more than smirk and “hmmph” in a way that he’s pretty sure was a laugh but isn’t positive on

he’s done countless jokes, no matter how well structured or not, desperate to get a chuckle, a smile, anything 

Usually doesn’t work, but Jaskier gets a kick out of most of em 

there’s some point in time where Cicero gives up on trying to kill Jaskier, for a couple of different reasons. 

One, Geralt Will Find Him. Cicero may have outrun Arnbjorn but he will not stand a chance against a Witcher. He knows this. 

Two, he’s found enough bloodshed travelling with these two to keep him contented 

Three - honestly? Jaskier is friend-shaped. He can never know about who or what Cicero actually is since saying anything about him would technically break one of the Tenets, but he’s helped Cicero out in ways he may never know

at some point, the trio are at a jarl’s palace, attending some celebration (prolly the “slaying” or Alduin or something to do with the Civil War, regardless if we’re taking Dragonborn!Geralt into account)

Jaskier gets harassed by someone, who claims he slept with their spouse the last time they were there 

Geralt steps in, tells em to fuck off, right

But Cicero’s watching from afar as the person leaves, and he walks over after they go with a grin on his face 

“Tsk tsk tsk tsk! Naughty, naughty, Jaskier! You ought to know better than to sleep with a noble’s lover! You’ve gotten yourself in a situation now, haven’t you?” 

Jaskier apologizes (kinda sarcastically, kinda awkwardly, not really sure where Cicero’s going with this)

and then the little fucker just hits him with

“Well… Geralt may scare them off for now, but… oh, what are you going to do if you’re alone, hmm?” 

his grin widens and he leans closer 

“Cicero could make sure they don’t come back. If you would like.” 

and Jaskier is just like “wat” for a solid couple of seconds before he realizes he’s talking MURDER

Jaskier appreciates and utilizes Cicero’s murderiness and you caN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE

HE IS A FERAL FUCKING BABY NOT AFRAID TO SEND THE LITTLE GREMLIN JESTER MAN OUT TO STAB A BITCH FOR HIM

AND CICERO THRIVES OFF JASKIER’S FERAL BABINESS BECAUSE IT’S A SIDE OF HIM HE NEVER SAW UNTIL NOW

and poor Geralt 

Geralt is very tired 

not only does he have to make sure Jaskier doesn’t get killed, he has to make sure Cicero doesn’t go out killing people himself 

the trio is often mockingly called the travelling circus by those living in the towns and cities they pass through 

Geralt knows Cicero’s Dark Brotherhood and caught on pretty early, but he actually doesn’t do anything, per se 

he keeps him in line as best he can when they’re travelling together - more or less makes sure he’s not killing people he shouldn’t be 

but he knows Cicero’s off to his own devices when he leaves to go do whatever it is he does before travelling again 

And, while he would NEVER openly admit it, he is aware the Dark Brotherhood is something of a necessary evil in Tamriel. From what he understands, they kill people, yes, but the ones they’re called upon to kill aren’t innocent people by any sense of the word. They’re slavers, they’re abusers, they’re corrupt politicians - the scum of the earth. Geralt (likely with a little bit of convincing from Jaskier if/when he finds out about Cicero’s true identity), tries his best to keep Cicero in line outside of the contracts he was once called upon to fulfill

I’m gonna leave it here for now and do separate interaction headcanon posts between Cicero and Geralt and Jaskier individually because this is a fucking huge text block but really tho 

i just fucking love the idea of the gremlin jester travelling with the gremlin bard and gremlin monster hunter. there is a chaos there that i’m thriving on

danny: please peer pressure me into finishing my projects

stiles: do it or you’re straight

danny: i said peer pressure not THREATEN