Abuse Tw - Blog Posts

I feel bad for the non-cult friends I have sometimes because they always ask "How are you :) ?" so innocently. They say they genuinely want to know cause I hold back, and it's nice to have that support. Still, it feels bad to always have a new horrible thing happen that's shaken you.

Sure I'm growing so much as a person and I love that, but I'm also dealing with my parents increasingly abusive behavior and struggling to organize my escape plan. All anyone can really do is say "It will get better!" Truely I believe that too, yet I still have to suffer now and I cant make myself ignore it anymore. I'm tired of being miserable no matter what I do. Everything that can be done has been, so now I helplessly flounder.

Even to this blog, it feels bad to not offer any insight or clear hope. I've seen so many people in similar situations who aren't lucky enough to know they should be done with this in less than a year. I just wish it would stop hurting...

Been reading more into the BNHA tags and I’m truly disappointed in this fandom.

People need to stop pretending that bad things happening to you(big or small) or having a mental disorder, excuses literal murder. Stop making Dabi seem like a tragic hero because Endeavor is an abusive asshole who’s being forgiven too easily. Dabi is the one who decided to kill people/doesn’t care who dies on his path to get revenge. Stop pretending all abuse victims are sad pushovers that can do nothing wrong.

People need to stop pretending it’s all Dabi’s fault. These people need to stop pretending that all abuse victims look and behave the same, Dabi is doing this shit because he believes it as the best/only option, not because he’s being a baby about his trauma. Stop blaming abuse victims.

In conclusion, Dabi is a deep and introspective character and y’all need to stop reducing him to a single, one-dimensional quality, either he’s done nothing wrong or he’s done everything wrong. His character goes deeper than that, he’s a product of his environment and he’s lashing out against said environment because the person who abused and traumatized him is getting away with it, the system is set up so certain people will always fail and certain people wil always win. Dabi as a character is a commentary of that.

CW for Mentions of Sexual Assult

There is a part of Jason Todd’s violent streak that authors have always either totally missed or skimmed over when it comes to his original (Batman 1940-) Robin run and that is his very specific triggers revolving around sexual assult. Post-crisis Jason’s Robin run was vaguely 20 issues long (and Starlin didn’t like child sidekick characters so his involvement in those issues is limited) but there was a very clear character path Jason was on which is “good kid plagued by the past” which totally makes sense given his background.

In the whole run there are only two recallable outburst which are not sex assult related. The first against Two Face, when Jason found out his dad had been murdered (and Bruce hid it from him for over six months ouch) but by the end of the issue Jay had calmed down and saves Dent’s life in the end. The other I see referenced is the issue where he throws Scarecrow into his own fear toxin because he thought he should taste his own medicine which is a bit reckless, but rather than leaving him for the cops he takes him to the cave for treatment (I always viewed this outburst as more plot convient than a show of Jason’s recklessness essentially since Bruce does something similar later in the issue). But other than those literally all of Jason’s outbursts are against sexual predators.

We have Jason fighting a pimp who had been threatening a prostitute directly before this

Then in the dumpster slasher serial killer storyline (Someone every couple weeks is killing pretty blonde women and dumping them in dumpsters, Bruce struggles greatly with this case and it spans a couple issues) before Batman can even arrest the killer a woman (who’s sister was murdered) revenge kills the murder and we have this reaction from Jason

Then the most famous example of Jason (possibility) pushing a man to his death. That issue started out with Jay breaking into a penthouse apartment because he heard screaming and he finds a woman named Gloria whos been sexually assaulted by Felipe Garzonas. They take Gloria to the police station but won’t arrest Felipe because he has diplomatic immunity. Later they get Felipe on a drug charge so in retribution (specifically against Robin) he calls Gloria and threatens her right there in the police department. Jason rushes over to see if she’s okay but it was too late. Batman’s solution to this is getting Felipe deported back to his country but Jason doesn’t find that an adequate solution and goes after Felipe himself - Felipe falls to his death and we’re forever left to wonder if Jason pushed him or if he slipped and Jay just let him fall.

Directly after this is the Death in the Family storyline - which starts out with Jason jumping into breaking up a child porn operation before Batman’s ok (Batman was waiting for police backup for some reason idk) but he throws Jason the photographer

Basically it drives me crazy to hear about how wild, unpredictable, and crazy Robin Jason was by current authors because he wasn’t. He was basically the most predictable person who had very obvious triggers, and honesty it’s just another thing they missed about Jason’s character. Even if he isn’t a victim of assult (at least he’s never been confirmed to be one) his hatred and disgust of it is validating to victims (myself included). Robin Jason is relatable to not just assult victims but people with trauma who have trouble dealing with their trauma and to have that be disregarded as him being a bad egg is infuriating. Jason Todd is a hero. His Robin is a hero. But before he was a hero he was a victim and he understands that anger and desperation that comes with it. That is what I want to see from authors. I don’t want them to forget about these outbursts or turn them into something far worse because they think Jason is bad for this. I want to see it addressed and talked about. Jason is such an interesting character and his mindset is barely ever touched by cannon.

He isn’t Bruce and Dick his life wasn’t ruined by one single night, it was so many things, and it was never really good to start. He wasn’t them, he didn’t need a cape (at least not right then) he needed some kind therapy and help. Which Bruce realizes way too late.

If Jason’s Robin run hadn’t been cut short then who knows what could have happened. His story could have been about personal growth and over coming your demons but instead we got a dead kid and decades of slandering a really good story about mental health. Worst things worst as good as Jason’s triggers and reactions tell a story about him, I don’t even think Starlin did it on purpose. He wanted fans to hate Robin, and somehow beating up predators was his way of doing that. Even so I love Jay’s Robin run it’s cathartic (until the end then it just hurts) in a way, and I wish there was a focus on Jason and his unaddressed trauma rather than making him out to be something bad.

In defense of Orihime

Orihime is a good character to me, like yes, she has her flaws but i’m still fond of her and I really like to explore her character. that being said I feel like a lot of hate against her is unfounded so here’s my take on her character.

the word that comes to mind when i think about orihime is survival. she prioritizes survival over victory, especially concerning her friends. Warnings: abuse, mentions of sexual harassment.

Keep reading

TRANSFORMERS PRIME RANT

content warning: discussions of physical/psychological abuse

I’m going to try to write a rant but we’ll see how good I am at stringing my words together.

I love Transformers Prime with my whole heart, particularly Starscream, and despite and because of this, I don’t like the way his character plays out in season three.

After Starscream rejoins the decepticons at the end of season two, the abuse he receives from Megatron gets way worse. Megatron physically beat Starscream quite often in season one, and as season three progresses, this treatment is on full display and gets so much worse. And these abuse scenes are genuinely horrible and upsetting. Megatron physically dominates Starscream, who is much smaller and thinner, and the show spends a lot of time emphasizing his fear and screams as Megatron beats him.

Alongside Starscream’s abuse getting worse, he also gets significant Stockholm syndrome in season three, which makes the whole situation one thousand times ickier. While in season one Starscream tried to usurp and fight back against Megatron, now he looks up to the person who is actively and regularly beating him half to death.

But there’s nothing wrong with depicting a toxic character dynamic, it’s how the narrative frames it that matters.

Starscream gets treated worse by Megatron while thinking better of him as the show goes on. And the only people we get to see this ugly situation through the eyes of are Starscream and Megatron, who both think this is fine in one way or another.

We never get to see any other character acknowledge the abusive relationship. The autobots are totally oblivious or totally uncaring that it’s happening, and you can bet the other Decepticons aren’t going to do anything about it. Even after Megatron leaves behind his goal of oppression, he shows no regret of how he’d treated Starscream, the person who he had arguably made suffer the most. He just shouts at him and makes him flinch one last time then abandons him. He continues to mistreat him then leaves him behind. Leaves behind the person who he had physically and psychologically destroyed for thousands if not millions of years. Although I don’t expect Megatron to show sympathy for Starscream, since his ‘redemption’ was just him retiring and leaving everyone else to clean up the mess he made. (I have good and bad feelings on Megatron’s ending, but I don’t want to get too sidetracked)

What matters is, without Megatron acknowledging the horribleness of the situation, and without the autobots being aware of it, the only person who can acknowledge how toxic the situation was is Starscream.

But he doesn’t get this chance. His arc ends when the Predacons beat him up for revenge.

Starscream is an abuse victim, and he is never given a chance to heal. No character, himself included, ever fully acknowledges how problematic the situation is. He is never given a chance to be powerful. Over and over again he is forced to be weak and without agency. From the start of season three to the end of the movie, his character is a slow trickle into suffering more and more, being beaten down again and again until he doesn’t get back up.

When watching the show, I was fine with the amount of frightening abuse they were depicting on screen because I thought they would have some amount of healing from it. But it just gets worse and worse until the show ends and that’s it. It just feels like abuse for the sake of abuse at this point.

But the thing is, I’m not even opposed to Starscream having a bad ending. Let me explain.

I think it makes sense after him being conniving and evil and power hungry and cruel for his actions to catch up for him, and for him to be humbled in one way or another.

The thing is, they depicted Starscream’s fall to shame without ever giving him a moment of power. There’s no climax in season three where he takes control of his life again. There’s no moment where he gets to be more than humiliated and shamed.

Starscream is a victim, and he’s an abuser as well. He treats everyone around him horribly. He is a perpetuator of the cycle of abuse, where, after being abused by Megatron and others, he started to replicate their cruelty in order to have power.

The story needed to recognize him as both an abuser and a victim. It seemed to think these cancel out. That Starscream being beat by the Predacons in the end is the consequence of his abusive actions towards others coming back to haunt him. But just as a middle school bully doesn’t deserve to go home and be bullied by their sibling, an abuser does not deserve to be abused by another person. No one deserves to be abused.

Starscream being abused doesn’t pay for his crimes. And he isn’t just being humbled for treating the predacons badly; he’s being tortured.

As an abuser, Starscream deserved to see the consequences of his actions in some way, but as a victim, Starscream deserved any kind of moment of victory.

All this to say, this isn’t about wether or not Starscream deserved to be beat by the predacons (although I maintain that we should have better mindsets about paying for our crimes than “abusers deserve abuse”). This is about the fact that he deserved to see a shred of honor before his fall as well.

This is about the fact that as an abuse victim, he is given not a shred of dignity or an acknowledgment of his pain. His descent in season three isn’t even a character arc. There’s no growth, no resolution, no rising or falling climax. Like I said before, it’s just him suffering over and over, until the series ends.

Starscream is perhaps a good, although tragic, depiction of an abuser: a character who treats others poorly until it finally catches up to him. But he is a bad and problematic depiction of a victim: someone who never gets to be seen, even by himself.

vent below the cut somewhat?

can we talk about how when you try to make a relationship 'equal' between you and an abuser, they will always see it as you 'flipping the script' or 'engaging in reactive abuse' because if they aren't superior to you then they feel like you're threatening them? Like homie just saying 'Don't do this, it hurts me, every time you've done this it hurts me' and 'treat people like you want to be treated. if you're mean to me, I can be mean back' is apparently as bad as...checks notes... you beating and raping me and spreading lies about me to the public from your position of power. You don't owe your abuser the 'perfect victim. Fighting back is not something to be ashamed of.

tht moment when you realize the 'cute moments of peace' between you and your abusive partner are literally just the honeymoon/moment of calm phases in a longstanding multiple-year long cycle of being abused and you're highkey tweaking out so much but also there's nothing you can do about it so like OIFNOINFDGNFIDODNFNFDNFPNFPNNPVFDGNPNVFDPND deep sigh. when is gonna be the next eggshell I accidentally step on. when is this prick going to get bored of the lovey dovey romance and either lie about me for attention or outright just beat me again, or rape me again, or try to break my stuff again. so tired of this divas bs istg every time I stand up for myself I'm the bad guy and every time I try to forgive im just a doormat that gets trampled on I EHYHVVONNPSDIOOBOBIOD

vent below the cut, see warnings in tags

you ever just be thinking about The Happenings and your brain is like "Well actually Abuser X was a lot worse to you than Abuser Y.. Abuser Y only raped you once and beat you only a few times, the rest of their abuse was emotional and they're getting better, unlike the much worse Abuser X!" and you're like, "Okay, brain, that's an objective statement, Abuser X was worse than Abuser Y. What about it?" and then your brain pulls out the "Maybe you should cut Abuser Y some slack, then... I mean, you're just being bitter at this point... I mean, compared to Abuser X, Abuser Y is like an angel! You shouldn't still be mad at Abuser Y or still hold them accountable!" and then I'm like "Oh, okay, stfu then."

and then your brain gets all whiney and doubles down like "And you shouldn't even be mad at Abuser X, either, since he really was nice to you at times and you know he wouldn't have done that if he himself wasn't hurt-" and then you're like "fuck you" because you're secretly the Fuck You Guy

fuck amber heard

i just wanna put my two cents about the depp vs heard case: JD is the VICTIM and Amber is an abusive, narcissistic psychopath who needs to lose all of her money and be locked up for the rest of her miserable fucking existence. i really hope that JD wins this case. it will be MONUMENTAL for male victims of abuse.

if anyone tries to defend amber heard you will be ignored and blocked. fuck amber heard and her narcissistic fans. look at the goddamn evidence.

Hmmmnnnnrgh

Lookity look, I am an avid fan of what some may call “comic books.” I am also a fan of fanfiction.

I like to read the comics that inspire people to write! Comic books inspire writers inspire artists inspire comics inspire writers and on and on! It’s beautiful. The way the world is meant to be.

Anyway, that isn’t important. What is important is the blatant misunderstanding of Tim Drake’s parents.

Now look, I am with you one hundred percent if you want to make a story where Tim’s parent(s) is decent. That’s fun, I love those stories. But, at the same time, you have to understand that those are AU.

I haven’t read every single comic that Tim Drake has ever featured in, nor have I read every single comic either Jack or Janet Drake has featured in. What I have read, is quite a bit, so I will try my best to explain.

There’s a certain page going around from 90’s Young Justice where Tim is talking to his dad while his dad tries to make coffee. The whole scene is played as a joke, but also, it shows an important difference between Tim and the other members of Young Justice.

I don’t know if this will make sense, but we see a lot of parents in Young Justice. Cissie’s mom is trying to be better, while Cissie is making her work for her forgiveness. Cassie’s mom is pretty cool, she’s worried about her daughter but lets Cassie be a superhero because Cassie is brave and it makes her happy (and Cassie would’ve snuck out to do it if she wasn’t given permission).

Bart’s parents are in the future, but we see him hang out with Max a lot, and they have some realy touching moments of old man vs ADHD child. Kon hangs out with Superman, even though Superman is super uncomfortable around Kon, but we see Superman really try to make an effort to spend time with Kon and understand him.

Tim is a more difficult case.

We see Tim’s dad in the aforementioned page. That’s about it. Any other time family is brought up, Nightwing is his go-to for big bro and Batman is his parental figure. We get a reference to Tim’s dad when Bart says something about getting Tim in trouble with his dad and Tim thinks he’s talking about Jack before realizing he meant Batman.

But more than that, Jack doesn’t have any parental scenes with Tim. Bruce gets all of those. Bruce learns to ease up from being an overbearing parent, Bruce tells Tim he’s proud of him, Bruce spends hours at a computer trying to figure out what happened to Tim. Bruce gets the parental moments.

The panels with Jack in them make me uncomfortable, as someone who stays home to care for my mom. The whole scene is sort of like a joke, where Tim acts more like a father and Jack acts more like a son. That’s why you have the narrative positioning of Tim seated at the table, reading the newspaper, rambling about current events, not even having to look up to warn Jack that he’s about to drink rat poison. Jack is supposed to take the role of tired teenager, slow thinking, not really paying attention, wandering the kitchen. It’s a reversal of the typical father-son role you would see in movies or tv.

It’s making fun of Jack for being less grown up than his fifteen-year-old son.

It makes me uncomfortable because Tim acts as the caretaker in that scene. And, it’s hard to be your parent’s caretaker. It’s hard to see your parent act weird or childish. When Cissie’s mom acts self-destructive and childish, Cissie gets taken away by Child Protective Services. When Tim’s dad almost accidentally drinks rat poison, Tim is in charge of making sure he doesn’t. Do you get it? It’s hard to explain, I don’t know how to explain it… it just makes me feel uneasy.

Then, there’s the scene where Jack tears Tim’s tv off the wall and breaks it. That just is abuse. There’s no debate.

But there are subtle things in the comics. Tim becomes Robin and his parents don’t find out until after Janet has been dead for a few years. And it isn’t like Cassie and her mom, where her mom accepted that Cassie was going to fight crime, there isn’t much she can do to stop her, and so she would rather let her daughter go, because then Cassie trusts her enough to talk to her. She deems it more important for Cassie to trust her, and she knows Cassie is a reckless teenager, and she wants to keep that line open. So she lets Cassie go as long as Cassie tells her what’s happening. And we see how it affects Cassie’s mom, how scared she gets, how worried she is, how relieved she is when Cassie comes home because that means she’s safe.

Tim’s dad makes him give up Robin. He doesn’t think about Tim, he thinks about his idea of Tim. The Tim in his mind is a well-mannered young boy who studies and has a handful of friends. It doesn’t jibe with the reality that Tim is a well-mannered young boy who kicks criminals in the face and finds himself falling from tall heights worryingly often. Tim’s dad doesn’t understand why Tim wants to be Robin, and Tim has to push and push and push to be Robin again.

There’s little things. Tim was capable of jumping on the first flight to Hawaii with Alfred in World’s Finest Three, presumably he was gone for at least a day, and nobody was too concerned about it. Tim was turned into an adult in that age swap arc with the Young Justice, but we only ever see how he speaks with Bruce. Everyone else has a scene of them either confronting a loved one in their aged up or down form (Bart, Wally, Cassie) or has Superboy pretend to be him to talk to Lois (Superman). In fact, we see a scene like that where Bruce (Robin) makes Tim (Batman) talk to Commissioner Gordon. But, we never see Tim even think about confronting his dad like that.

Tim apparently has all the free time in the world to fight bad guys and almost die every other day, and people think his parents weren’t neglectful. When Tim’s dad does die, Tim gets adopted by Bruce, and sure, he says it hurt when Jack died, but he even said that he felt kind of empty about it. Then Bruce died, and he felt completely different, despite viewing them both as his fathers.

This is long and rambling, and I’m sorry, but I need you to understand that when people say Tim’s parents are abusive, they aren’t pulling it out of nowhere. Neglect is abuse. A kid having to take care of their parent with no one to take care of them is neglectful. Yelling and screaming and throwing things is abuse. Maybe Tim’s parents don’t leave physical scars, but they don’t treat him well. They aren’t good parents.

The fact people are so upset with pornhub requiring Age Verification in certain USA states is so bizarre but funny to me. Women are being abused and trafficked and raped yet apparently your reason for boycotting is the fact you now have to be 18 in certain states to access porn??????

I hoped to never go on to social media to call out someone for abusing me in some way... but here I fucking am.

TW// grooming, toxic relationship

At the age of 10, I met someone online who I shared a common interest with. They introduced me to their friends, and one of them would become my abuser. After our little group fell apart, her and I stayed friends. Eventually, we figured out we liked each other, and we started dating by the time I was 12.

Things were fine for awhile, but during an arguement one time, I remember her calling me toxic. I didn't even know what that word meant, yet it stuck to me for years. I didn't get over that until I finally stepped into the light, left her behind, and finally started to get better.

We'd keep arguing, we'd take "breaks", but with each break we'd end up still be like "ily" and realize that we weren't truly having a break, ever.

Once we broke up, it only took me a day to decide that we couldn't even stay friends. It didn't feel right. I ghosted her, and I don't even remotely regret it. I was only 13. Things were quiet, and with my therapist, I had come to realize how much she really abused me.

6 months later, my abuser reached out to me. She snuck into my discord server, once she revealed herself, I was willing to make small talk. I was willing to forgive. I was naive.

I mentioned that I told my friends in my server about what she did. So she snooped and got upset when I called her a groomer. So, I deleted that message... but I really shouldn't have.

I'm 16 now, and I only just now realized that she abused me so much worse than I think. Everytime I realize that she did something wrong, I think "it can't get worse than this.", but it has. Most of my memories of the time I had with her is blotted out, but one thing I do remember is a BDSM list.

I was 13, maybe even 12, when she sent me the blank list, and one filled out. She told me, "You should do this and send it to me. Here's mine." I don't remember looking at hers, but I remember genuinely trying to fill it out, because I was young. I was naive. I didn't know any better.

I didn't know most of the things listed on it. I had to look half of it up, and I was so uncomfortable doing it the whole time. Not like anything could have had any truth to it because I was fucking 12/13. I had absolutely 0 experience in anything sexual. I was so uncomfortable doing it, it wasn't fair to me to do something like this and not understand any of it.

I didn't realize how damn weird it was back then. I only just realized it and it's been nearly half a decade. There are certain people out there that have used that list to groom their victims, I found it out just now, and it hit me like a fucking train to realize that I was victim to it.

Tabby, I don't fucking give a shit if I ruin your chances of college, or a job. You don't deserve a good life because you ruined mine. And even though I've learned to grow around my trauma, I cannot move on from the fact that you are the reason I struggle so much today. I don't fucking trust people, because of you and the way you treated me. But I have learned to realize that I will not tolerate people stepping all over me and I will not be treated unfairly because I have fucking worth and you don't get to act all innocent anymore.

My abuser is Tabbybat6. Bluebat, Tabbitha, whatever the fuck she goes by now. I first met her on Steam, we moved to hangouts, then Discord. She has Wattpad, Instagram, Tumblr, and on everything I could think of, I have her blocked and restricted.

Tabbitha, if somehow, you're reading this, I hope you understand the way you made me feel, someday. I hope you feel all the pain you made me feel from your abuse. And I'm praying to the god I don't believe in that justice gets fucked served.

"They hurt you because they like you." Needs to stop.

I come on here today to bring forward an issue that I have personally dealt with myself.

Most of us females, when we're young, are taught that a boy likes us if he is hurting us, by bullying us, throwing things at us, pulling our hair, pushing us around, you name it. Anything a boy at a young age could possibly think of doing, they did it. When I told my mother about a boy bullying me when I was still in elementary school, from 1st to 4 grade, and even when I see him now, in 11th grade, he treats me like shit. Any chance he got, he used it to hurt me, whether that was emotionally or physically. He'd get his little sidekick friend to chase me around the elementary playground and throw the rubber at my back, so much so that it could cause burns and bruises. I never told my mom that, because when I did, I was told "oh. that's because he likes you."

He abused me, and yet, I still liked him. I still had that stupid little crush on him, even if he hurt me. I was young and impressionable, and I didn't know any better. When I was told "it's because he likes you", that tells me, my little, underdeveloped brain, that it is OKAY for men to treat me like shit, because they love me, and THAT'S why I should stay. I should ALLOW men, with their big fat egos and fragile masculinity, to treat ME like shit because they 'LIKE' me.

In my first relationship, I was treated like shit by my girlfriend and some of her friends. People that I considered my friends. Yet I was gaslighted, I was manipulated and verbally abused by these people who I thought cared about me. People I thought LOVED me. I thought that love was enough, even if they treated me like shit, maybe, deep down, I even thought I deserved it. That I was the one in the wrong. I wasn't in the wrong. They didn't care, they didn't love me, platonically, or otherwise. They abused me, they neglected me. It's been years and still, their actions and words cover me in their shadows. I'm still healing.

Still, to this day, I let people walk all over me, because I push so many people away in fear of the manipulation and abuse that I may be put through, and I have no one else. I don't allow myself to go out and meet new people because I'm so afraid of losing them if I get attached. And I know this, but I also know where it comes from. I've let people walk over me all my life, just because I was taught that it was okay for people to do that because they love me. I was a kid, and I needed acceptance, so I let it happen, but I was never faced with acceptance.

For my whole life, I've been told "he hurts you because he likes you.", and only one time had I brought it up, recently this year, and my mom realized, "Wait... he did that to you? Why didn't you tell me?" My mom realized her error, and while I do forgive her, I cannot forgive those words that set up the first years of my life.

That is why we cannot tell children these things. If you teach your kids that it is okay for them to be abused out of 'love', then you're not only part of the problem, but you are setting them up for the life of a victim. A victim may never understand what love really is because when they think love, they think ABUSE, they think hitting, yelling, throwing things, and cursing. No one deserves to live life as a victim of anything, and it is our job to help future generations NOT grow up like we did. We're supposed to teach generations after us that abuse is never the way, that abuse is NOT love, and it never will be. Abuse. Is. Abuse. Let's start saying it like it is.

my father had the kind of anger all fathers do. it lingers your whole life

the unabridged journals of sylvia plath // audre lorde // sense8 “i can’t leave her” // halsey, i would leave me if i could // @ijaazat // fantastic bastards, death spells // catherine lacey

when you try to come up with smth witty to say cause you’re a tru comedian but end up floppin HARD! literally smash that heart if you can relate! but hey i’m mikhia or if you’re into nicknames then you can call me mikki i honestly truly don’t...... care lmao? i haven’t been in a roleplay in a long time because like school fuckin sucked my dudes but i recently turned eighteen and i’m now ready to hang ten ZZDMDKF! k anyway lemme get on with it i’m tiredt! if you prefer plotting on discord or just wanna talk some shit then you can find me at YUKHEI’S WHITE GIRL LAUGH #5355 but without the caps! i don’t actually know if that makes a difference but anyways.....

messy info dump

* ↪ jeon jungkook. he/him. cismale. ╱ i thought i saw kian ko getting questioned by the police. the nineteen year old is in their second year at west bridge studying film production. there’s a rumor that everyone there always called them the cataclysmic because they were beguiling but at the same time morose. do you think they had something to do with her death? + chipped nail polish, morning light peeking through the curtains, soft curls parted down the middle, blinking neon signs, fresh tattoos, shattered iphone screens, missed calls at two in the morning, and long drives down isolated roads.

growing up it was just kian and his dad living in a big, isolated house at the end of a road where no one knew each other. he never knew what happened to his mom, but he also never asked. him and his dad didn’t have the kind of relationship for that; him and his dad were never close enough to have personal conversations. 

the two of them only spoke like ten words to each other by the time the boy was ten and had been completely raised by a nanny. but then everything changed when she just didn’t show up one day and his dad decided to play the role of a parent for once.

he was shit at it and constantly yelled at kian, even pushing him around and smashing his toys just cause he felt like it. he didn’t understand what he had ever done wrong and a part of him thought that this was just how every parent treated their child.

when he was twelve, he ended up finding an old camcorder and instantly fell in love with filming everything around him. it all looked so beautiful through a lens, untainted. but he was young and kids can be dumb. he ended up recording over one of the tapes inside and when his dad found out, he completely lost it.

apparently kian had taped over an old home video of his mom, one that his dad watched frequently, and it became the catalyst for events that would change his life forever. it was the first time his dad was ever physically abusive towards him.

he doesn’t really have much memory of the event, but he does remember being at the top of the stairs filming before everything went black. he found out later that his dad had pushed him down the stairs, but it was ruled an accident and he was put back into his care after he healed.

things only got worse from there with his dad constantly telling him that he was a monster, that no one would ever love him, and that no one would care if he died. these things clawed their way down his throat and found a home in his lungs until he felt like he could no longer breathe.

when he got older and a little colder, he started fighting back and it ended up just being a big brawl between him and his dad all the time. they would literally beat the shit out of each other multiple times a week until, suddenly, it all stopped when he was sixteen.

his dad remarried and the woman brought in two younger children. then, suddenly, his dad was someone else entirely. it was like the bitter old man had been replaced by the most wholesome being in the world. he acted like a completely different person and it pissed kian off. but it also inspired him in a way.

he changed his personality too, became the picture perfect son who played sports and got good grades. he held up his image well, but the monster his father always told him he was never went away. it just waited under his facade until the perfect time to strike.

it was after his first real girlfriend that he decided he liked hurting people. he liked breaking their hearts because it made him feel like a god. he was the perfect boyfriend, dating girls and boys and anyone that was dumb enough to fall for his tricks. he would make sure that he was all they thought about, that they were sure they were in love with him, and then he would rip the rug right out from under them.

nothing made him happier than watching them cry and beg him not to do this. they looked so ugly and broken and he couldn’t think of anything more beautiful. he liked seeing people at their most vulnerable, got off on it.

it was around that same time that he also got into drugs, cocaine specifically, and it helped to perk him up; it helped to make him not look so dead inside. he was a great actor, but the eyes are the window to the soul and his held nothing inside.

when he left for college, he constructed a backstory where he was the son of a pastor who graduated as valedictorian and blushed when complimented. none of that was true, but it didn’t matter. everyone would believe him and would never question it.

he stuck to his story, but things changed when he met annya at freshman orientation. things were different with her and he knew he was fucked, but he let it happen anyway. she brought out a side to him that he thought was long gone and he almost started to believe he could be loved.

but then his dad showed up one day letting him know that he was divorcing kian’s step-mother and it was obvious that he had turned back into the man that would push his son around and make him feel worthless.

so kian regressed as well. he became ugly and cruel towards the one person that made him feel alive and, because of that, she left. it was a hard blow but it brought him back to reality. he couldn’t afford love so he knew it was better off that way, no matter if it hurt.

so he was back to his original plan. he started dating anyone and everyone, cheating on them, breaking their hearts in the worst possible way, all while holding up his perfect little church boy persona.

k so i wanted to add more to this but i’m just so over it i’m too tired to think atm lmao! but a few other things are that he’s a part of a frat and he does play sports. he probs mostly plays more physical sports to get out his aggression like football, lacrosse, hockey, etc so rivals/teammates come thru! i’m sure y’all can tell that i’m a sucker for angst so hit me with that good shit ya? i don’t have a page for specific wanted connections so if you wanna brainstorm or whateva then just GIVE THIS POST A LIKE and i’ll come to you or add me on discord and we can plot there!

I never understood people who stay in abusive relationships when they have access to leaving the relationship.

But when my head hit the pillow this night i made sure to not sleep on my right (even though thats my favourite sleeping position) because not sleeping on your back causes Asymmetry. Then I realised Beauty is like the abuser that everyone praises you for having. For being in a relationship with. Beauty is like the ‘Perfect spouse’ that abuses you when no ones watching, the spouse that causes people to say shallow remarks “you’re such a lucky one for having this person” like you’re nothing without them. when really all the spouse does is hurts you where you can hide it and beautifies you where they can be praised for it. what are you without that spouse? What will you do, even if your life is peaceful if you’re not special anymore without your abusive accessory?

What will you do without beauty?

it really is crazy how women abusing men is still regularly (if "jokingly") viewed as a positive thing. like literally today i was talking to someone about having watched both misery & sunset boulevard in a film class & both of those being about men being abused by women & the person's response was smth like. haha yeah that's so empowering. like obviously these are fictional characters but y'all realize that treating individual human men like poppets to punish Mankind for it's Sins is fucked up and evil yeah. also this directly translates into how trans men are treated as free punching bags for people to take out their anger at more powerful cis men. idk call me crazy but i feel like if you can't hear about men being abused by women without making a "joke" about it maybe you just have a deep problem you need to work on

minor vent

Euphoria (2019—) Created by Sam Levinson

"dream song 145" by john berryman // succession // cronus and eros by ivan akimov // fight club by chuck palahniuk // "the boy and the belt" by josé olivarez // "hast thou considered the tetrapod?" by the mountain goats // "daddy" by sylvia plath