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Spilled Thoughts - Blog Posts
I know there’s more to life than all these wasted days
As someone who had to deal with grief at an early age, I’ve found that it never truly dissipates. Grief doesn’t end. It simply builds. After the flood of “caring” neighbors and forgotten friends stop coming, you’re stuck with the quiet. Forced to think of the big life moments your lost will never see and the absence of new memories. Then, the old memories make their way. That one song that reminds you of that one fishing trip. The smell of their favorite dish. The bluebirds that they told you to never trust, despite their beauty. The bitter sweetness of the remembrance of when that person was still present is the hardest form of grief to feel. It is never ending.
There was a little girl. Maybe she was in me; maybe she was me.
But she talked too loud and she hurt and she cried and I didn't know how to make her stop.
So I slapped a hand over her mouth and held it there until she stopped struggling. Until it was quiet.
Maybe it was hate; maybe it was fear. I'm not sure why I did it and I don't know if she's still here.
Sometimes I feel echoes in memories of the person I used to be. The kind that feel like hope and pain and the unknown.
The me that cared so much I couldn't stand it. The feelings clawed at my throat and snubbed hot cigarettes in my eyes.
The emotions that set my limbs to restless and my heart racing until I was so exhausted i'd drop.
The me that was vulnerable. I killed her so I could be stronger, so I could be safe.
I feel distantly that I should mourn her but I can't think of a single thing about her to miss.
Maybe I'm not supposed to find myself in the past. Maybe I'm not going to achieve some mythical closure by carrying this sad corpse around with me. Maybe the best thing I can do is put her to rest an move on.
After all, you can't bring back the dead and I think that applies to yourself most of all.
That moment of anticipatory silence
Like the crackle of a speaker before the song starts.
Like the inhale of breath before you speak.
Like the moment after the flash when you're waiting for the thunder
That's what you feel like.
When Adam bit the apple he did it because he trusted Eve. Because he loved her. Adam bit into the apple because the woman he loved told him to, no matter what God said. No matter the rules of heaven. What’s heaven to a woman’s love anyway? What’s God to your wife? The first sins of humanity, were trusting others. Eve trusted a snake, Adam trusted Eve, and I trust you. Maybe that’s a sin, just like the first couple. Maybe everyone’s right about us and we’re sinners and we offend God. But like I said, what’s God to a woman’s love anyway? What has heaven got that I can’t find sitting next to you on a cool autumn morning?
Це ніколи не був любовний трикутник, як мені на декілька секунд здалося. Це був відрізок. І точка, яка йому не належить. І ніколи не буде належати. Проблема в тому, що я не спочатку зрозуміла, що це відрізок. Звичайно, у мене були підозри на цю тему, але я не хотіла бачити правди, і бачила тільки те, що вигідно було мені. Тому, я бачила окремі точки, не розуміючи, що вони з'єднані. Я розраховувала стати відрізком з однією з них, але зараз я розумію, що у мене ніколи не було на це права. Так добре скривати, що ви відрізок треба вміти. А вони вміють це на 10 з 10, ну... майже. Вміють скривати добре, але контролювати емоції - ні.
Он смотрел на неё с нескрываемой нежность, с заботой. Всегда слушал, когда она говорила. Смотря на них было видно, что он бы держал ей волосы блюй она в унитаз. Их отношения были пропитаны лёгкостью. От них веяло свободой, но она бы его точно не отпустила, как и он её. Взгляд как у щенка, который увидел хозяина говорил обо всём, что он испытывал. Её запутанность и неуверенность в своих чувствах, делали больно обоим. Так смешно подмечать каждый такой взгляд, каждый выдох пропитанный чувствами, но при этом точно знать, что ты не она. Что твоей улыбке не будут рады, как кот радовался бы вкусной сметане. Что такой взгляд будет адресован ей, но никак не тебе.
Me when someone asked me about my childhood crushes: nah, I didn't have any.
Me rewatching all the Barbie movies realizing I (typically) had a crush on Barbie's character and the male lead: 👁👄👁
What would be scarier?
To see you.
Sometimes I think about the time I realized why Kubo's mom was so dazed for the first few minutes we saw her.
Which, by the way, is because she's a celestial being. Y'know...she's nocturnal. She's not fully awake till sunset.
(Ngl I thought it was because of her head injury.)
Picked up a new comic and I'm slightly worried
Sometimes I can't get over this and just stare at it
(The fact that they're all different people makes this even better)
I love Fuyumi but how could she just ignore Endeavor's abuse of Shouto? Like seriously???
He isolates, beats up, and just f*cking traumatized him and Fuyumi acts like they can be a perfectly normal functioning family???
He should be begging for their forgiveness, head pushed into the ground as a puddle of tears gather, absolutely desperate for a chance.
And they should give him that chance, because everyone deserves at least that.
But he doesn't deserve their forgiveness, not yet. Because abusers don't deserve forgiveness, changed people do.
OMFG
I JUST REALIZED
When people say "your boys can swim"
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ADULT STUFF
I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERAL (kinda metaphorical)
I WAS SO CONFUSED WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT
I thought "swimming? What does your children swimming have to do with this situation?"
WHO CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID IDION???!?!!!??!!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH
Made a horrible poem (because it isn't a poem more of a thing i wrote) about love. Here it is:
Love is a smile that lasts all day long
Because with the simple thought of you
I remember joy and warmth
Love is remembering your favorite food, flower, and color
And smiling when i see them
Because now i find you in everything
Sometimes when you laugh
I see all the other times
And i think about how much warmth and happiness
A simple sound can bring me
Sometimes days aren't simple
Sometimes we cry
But it's times like those
That make your smile afterwards
The brightest
And when i can't remember
how to smile
You remind me
If i've forgotten to eat
or take a break
You fill my heart
And when you hold my hand
And my heart
Close to yours
I feel like home
This is love
But mostly
This is you
Did I ever tell you guys of the time I forgot Christianity was called that so I called it the "Jesus Fandom" yeah that happened I don't speak of it but it sits in my mind some days
I literally don't understand the point of voting.
Like, all we're doing is replacing one old white guy with power with another old white guy with power and giving them more power. (Excluding Obama)
Yall really believe we're working a democracy and doing the best for ourselves? Yall crazy.
And even if we get a lady or black person (again) or someone mildy young chances are they are just as messed up. Most people who go for president go for their own benefit rather than the citizens'.
"The quickest way to brighten up a room is to smile."
No, the quickest way to brighten up a room is to turn the lights on.
TS4's ending, though rather disliked even by me, makes complete sense.
TS1 was about Woody teaching Buzz he is a toy. He is Andy's toy and Andy needs him, not Woody, but Buzz instead.
TS2 was about giving other toys the aame opportunities he has, to be there for a child. To be played with and have fun!
TS3 was Woody learning to let go. Because even if he can't see or be with Andy, he will always be Andy's toy. It's just Andy doesn't need him and Bonnie does.
TS4 at the beginning comes off as a combo. Teaching Forky to be a toy and helping Gabby Gabby have a chance. But Woody also needs to let go of not just Bonnie but also the gang, his family. Because Bonnie doesn't need him anymore and well what's a toy that isn't played with? So Woody stays, he says goodbye and stays because he's finally being selfish and it hurts but he's finally making a choice for himself. Dolly will watch over the gang, and Buzz will help. And maybe, even if just once a year, he'll get to see them again.
So yeah, it was horribly sad to see Woody stay but it was the right thing for him. Because he is Andy and Bonnie's toy, but he's a toy as well and maybe other kids need him.
"Delve into the shadows of sadness, shine a light to find truth." - me lol