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I'm sorry for all of that.
It's okay to crash out though.
You deserve to let the feelings out.
I would never have done this again.
I despise the person I was and the way i treated you.
I regret every second of it and I would never treat anyone like that again.
I've learned from my mistake, I promise I have.
You don't have to believe me.
I'll keep posting. It's the only way we're able to face eachother right now.
I'm sorry.
Please god take away this false angel she’s rotting my brain and trying to control just like they all used to.
Except this time she’s up front about it.
This isn’t about anyone who’ll see this.
Someone save me from this false angel, swooping down and preying on me in my darkest hour.
I only know she’s fake because I’ve seen the work of a real one.
Please someone rescue me.
I just want everything to be okay, I’d be happy with just being friends.
I cried today.
I cried in that very same spot.
You wouldn’t have been able to tell though.
Cried with my head in my hands.
God I’m pathetic. You were right there in front of me and I cowered away. Even now when I know how you truly feel I’m afraid to even be seen
I saw you in that stairwell of x’s.
I couldn’t tell if you wanted me there or if you wanted me gone.
I’d be happy if we could just talk again.
She wants a date.
She wants to share rent.
WHY RIGHT NOW D WHY RIGHT NOW
WHY DO YOU DECIDE TO BECOME MY GUARDIAN ANGEL RIGHT NOW
I APPRECIATE IT BUT THE CONFESSION IS REALLY BADLY TIMED
I’m not using guardian angel as an insult, this isn’t about you right now.
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO WHY NOW WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOW "I love you, and Im so sorry these horrible things keep happening to you."
WHY D WHY
Oh no not again why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
How ironic is this... I'm telling her everything. I guess one of my friends will always end up being an angel. Somehow they always find me. I don't know why. She's my guardian angel now. Thank you "D"
God im so selfish, maybe if i had stayed, if that coin flip had failed, both of them would be okay.
I could have stayed.
I've done it before
Staying for the greater good even though I was hurting.
I should have stayed, then I'd be the only one hurting. Nobody knew because I was masking.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you so much for teaching me to mask brother
I don’t think I’d be able to leave the house tomorrow if we never met.
I miss you brother.
I’ll come visit sometime soon
Taking time away is the only way for progress to be made at this point. My emotions are numbed for now but I know I’ll have a few breakdowns. That’s okay though. I have my brothers and I have my distant friends. This is the way I will grow. I don’t need to recover to progress with growth. The recovery can happen at the same time. I have lots of time, I don’t need to rush it.
As for my plans for school in the meantime, I think I’ll start hanging out with my classmates for once. There’s a few of them who interact with me on a normal basis.
I left some people waiting for me but I won’t rush to them. I need some time.
I will probably be posting some terrible stuff soon but I can almost guarantee I won’t act on any of my urges.
I let myself get swept up by the first person who looked my direction instead of waiting for who I wanted to be with and everything is ruined. For both of them, and for me.
Brother save me from myself, bring me back to when I was normal.
Please
At Walmart because my mom found me on my walk and brought me an iced coffee and talked me through all of my problems and reassured me and for once we had a conversation without any arguments.
Oh here’s a quote from her by the way
“You’re very gifted at building worlds and personalities”
She meant that because I’m a writer but she doesn’t know that’s my entire life story
At least I’m being myself now, not that that’s working
Walking to the one place I want to avoid the most.
School.
I’m going for a walk again just like the one I went on in the winter
I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone or when I’ll get back.
All I know is sitting here doing nothing isn’t helping me at all.
Maybe music will fix me. There’s nowhere to go but up, I guess.
"Good morning bro"
I was about to break down. Thanks.
Good morning bro.
Every time I feel like crying he shows up. We rarely talk about our problems, but we both understand that we both have them.
We have mutual respect for waiting until we're ready to bring it up.
I wonder if he's going through the same things.
...We're both too good at masking, because we're the ones who taught each other how.
Im the reason it got this bad.
I’m the reason you got like this
I’m so sorry for everything. I ruined everything for you and I’m so, so sorry.
I have a better relationship with my brother than I do with any of my real family.
I might be stupid and angry and cruel and mean and an absolute idiot, but i care, i really do.
I was barely thinking during any of what I did. I’m not sure if I was even actually happy.
Sometimes I wish you were able to stay that night.
And sometimes I wish I had said something sooner.
"Goodnight bro, see you tomorrow"
He doesn't understand how much I needed to hear that, to know that he's going to spend time with me willingly. Sometimes it feels like people only talk to me because I initiate, but hearing those simple 5 words made everything feel okay. I feel like I'm back in 8th grade, making plans to go over and hang out in his backyard I feel like I'm free from all my troubles that came later. I'm free from the changes that I never wanted to make and were forced on me by... some bad people.
I feel like the person I want to be again. I feel like I am who I should be and who I would have been if not for all the shit I've went through.
I hope this feeling stays around for a while.
I hope he says those words again tomorrow. "Goodnight bro. See you tomorrow" Goodnight, bro.
I'll be here, enjoying the feelings those words gave me. It will be a good night.
I'm oddly calm for all the things rushing through my mind.
I guess talking life through with my brother helps.
Not my real brother, of course.
But I consider him family.
What have I done?
This isn’t how I imagined it
I don’t blame you
Why are you blaming yourself?
It’s going to be okay.
You’re going to be okay
If you’re okay I’ll be okay
Everything is going to be okay