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i set off an explosive reaction just now didn't i
Being an empath sometimes means knowing what people actually think even when they lie.
So, first things first. I'm Ticking Time Bomb, which originates from my first interaction here, about me being an explosive landmine. I'm not a great person but I'm trying to get better.
I have a bunch of things fucked up with my life.
I kinda messed up some stuff with someone I consider my best friend.
My life is on a rapid decline, but i've pulled it up from rock bottom before.
⚠️vent⚠️
It sickens me to think of the ways my parents failed me. I was never told I was something or that I could ever be something. I was rarely ever told “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” Hugs were and have always remained rare. I was never encouraged to try to join sports, other extracurricular activities, or even try again at dancing. I was and still am rarely encouraged. I feel so directionless.
I rarely ever saw doctors. That includes really important ones like optometrist, GP, dentist, like those kinds. I’m talking the last time I went to a dentist I was probably 12. I’m fucking 18. EIGHTEEN! “You didn’t like going.” SO? I was a CHILD, I needed YOU to make sure I was HEALTHY. I feel so dirty and unkempt.
When I got hurt, I was told to just get up and get over it. Why didn’t they hug me and tell me I’d be alright? God forbid I did something they didn’t like. I’d just get my ass beat instead of a conversation. Or, better yet, yelling.
I can’t believe some parents actually have the brain to take their kids to therapy early on. My mom didn’t do that. Even after a life long exposure to an abusive father. It’s all fucked! Life is single-handedly the most fucked thing I’ve ever been forcefully ‘gifted.’ I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live this way.
I am constantly seeking validation and love in everyone other than family members or myself. I am ruined. I am a shell of who I could’ve been. No amount of toys, which I had A LOT of, was a replacement for proper parenting. I never feel loved enough.
As happy as I am for people who have good parents, I can’t help but be jealous as well. I’m so jealous your dad teaches you things. I am so jealous your parent(s) put you in therapy. I am so jealous you were motivated to try new things. I am so jealous you are loved the normal way. I am so jealous in a way that doesn’t even make me angry. It just makes me incredibly sad.
I feel more raised by the internet than by my parents. I needed YouTubers to tell me I shouldn’t act like my father. It’s sick.
Throughout my entire life I’ve been starved of affection. And people can SMELL IT. They smell it in the way I talk, the way I walk, and whatever else I do. They know I’m defective.
I bought the game because it was on sale so I don't regret buying it.
and it reminded me of an app called virtual and how you can be a vt-uber and shit. so i said fuck it why not im bored and lonely and might as well be a cute anime girl too.
i redownloaded it
but for fuck sakes its camera is awful at tracking
and im so goddam awful at socializing and i fucking wished it had an app on the pc BUT EVEN IF IT DID MY SHIT INTERNET IS SO GODDAM SLOW AND I CANT DO SHIT JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE
so im stuck here in my room doing nothing but be on my phone and laptop. seeing other people do things i want to do. why cant that be me also. If i can't do shit how am i going to earn money. my anxiety holds me back i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this.
the only friend i have are online but even that is a pain in the ass BECAUSE OF MY SHITTY ASS WIFI THE FUCKING PING IS SO DAMN HIGH SO IM JUST WATCHING THEM HANGOUT WITH EACHOTHER WHILE I JUST STAND BY AND WATCH I CANT EVEN DOWNLOAD FUCKING VALORANT WITHOUT IT TAKING THE WHOLE DAY BITCH ASS CUNT KYS
literally my healing era rn:
(im switching from being completely healed n from being on the verge of su1c1de <33)
Constantly switching between healing and complete self destruction
I lost my god-damned job this morning. Hated that place, but still cried. They let me work two weeks before they told me at the end of my shift today.
Haven't been home in two months but had to pack up my shit and bring back as much of it as I could. This sucks ass. I hate it here.
I never want to work again.
Especially for a place like Wal-Mart.