Notes Goal Post. Because Why Not.

"SURVIVING"

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I hate it when people ask me if I'm feeling something. Are you excited? Nervous? What do you want to watch? Do you wanna do something? Are you relieved now that it's over? Happy that you graduated? Proud to have achieved so much?

The answer is literally no. I have dysthymia, I do not care about anything nor have I for a long time. There is no point to anything so why would I have feelings related to something being important?

Thanks for reminding me that I'm empty inside though. Now I feel depressed about that so I guess I do have feelings after all. It's sure nice to graduated BSc and feel only sadness because you're not feeling happy about it.

i wish i could feel alive by myself

⚠️vent⚠️

It sickens me to think of the ways my parents failed me. I was never told I was something or that I could ever be something. I was rarely ever told “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” Hugs were and have always remained rare. I was never encouraged to try to join sports, other extracurricular activities, or even try again at dancing. I was and still am rarely encouraged. I feel so directionless.

I rarely ever saw doctors. That includes really important ones like optometrist, GP, dentist, like those kinds. I’m talking the last time I went to a dentist I was probably 12. I’m fucking 18. EIGHTEEN! “You didn’t like going.” SO? I was a CHILD, I needed YOU to make sure I was HEALTHY. I feel so dirty and unkempt.

When I got hurt, I was told to just get up and get over it. Why didn’t they hug me and tell me I’d be alright? God forbid I did something they didn’t like. I’d just get my ass beat instead of a conversation. Or, better yet, yelling.

I can’t believe some parents actually have the brain to take their kids to therapy early on. My mom didn’t do that. Even after a life long exposure to an abusive father. It’s all fucked! Life is single-handedly the most fucked thing I’ve ever been forcefully ‘gifted.’ I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live this way.

I am constantly seeking validation and love in everyone other than family members or myself. I am ruined. I am a shell of who I could’ve been. No amount of toys, which I had A LOT of, was a replacement for proper parenting. I never feel loved enough.

As happy as I am for people who have good parents, I can’t help but be jealous as well. I’m so jealous your dad teaches you things. I am so jealous your parent(s) put you in therapy. I am so jealous you were motivated to try new things. I am so jealous you are loved the normal way. I am so jealous in a way that doesn’t even make me angry. It just makes me incredibly sad.

I feel more raised by the internet than by my parents. I needed YouTubers to tell me I shouldn’t act like my father. It’s sick.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been starved of affection. And people can SMELL IT. They smell it in the way I talk, the way I walk, and whatever else I do. They know I’m defective.

i think I bother everyone by being alive

sometimes life feels just terrible and that's how I am tried to get over it today

splitting is just

no one will ever get to know me like you. you never even knew me at all. i don’t want to see you again. i miss you more than you’d understand. let me give you everything you need. why do you only take from me? i wish we could go back to how we were. it didn’t mean anything to me. you’re my world. i fucking hate you. maybe i’ve been the problem. all you do is fucking tear me apart. the distance has been hard on me. i’m thriving without you here. i know you always care. you don’t even think of me.

Them having fun:

:)

Them having fun without me:

:(

i crave being someone’s first choice so bad. why does no one ever choose me over others?