Latest Posts by thesemidnightthoughtss - Page 5

― Mieko Kawakami, Heaven

That feeling of helplessness never really goes away does it, when you realize that the person you’d do anything for, doesn’t give a fuck about you. So you just sit there feeling so small and pathetic, wondering how something like this happens. How one person can mean the world to you and you are nothing for that person.

Lately it’s getting really hard to think about how much others will hurt if I kill myself. I don’t wanna hurt anymore. I’m tired of living because I don’t want to cause pain to others. Who is thinking about how much living is destroying me.

I’m not sure which hurts more. The one word replies, the one sided conversations, the glaringly obvious lack of interest and effort. Or not hearing from you at all.

Forgive yourself for catching feelings for the wrong person. Forgive yourself for chasing people who did nothing but make you feel like you weren’t enough, people who hurt you over and over till you accepted it as a way of your life. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to love or be loved. There are worse things in life to be harsh on yourself about. Loving someone isn’t one of them.

Things I wish someone had told me.

Some realizations I had in the last few days

— I’m never going to be good enough to make anyone stay

— I’m needy and pathetic, clingy and annoying. No one wants that

— I’m so inconsequential that I’m not even worth being told by people that they don’t want to talk to me

— there’s something terribly repulsive and unlovable about me

— my sadness will be the only thing that will be there for me so I need to hold on to it

— happiness isn’t for me

— I need to stop trying and accept my fate of dying alone. Let’s face it, why would anyone want me

I’m so sensitive and I feel things on such an intense level. I can’t do moderation. Pain and happiness is something we all experience, it’s a part of life . But there is so much more pain than the happiness. And that little happiness is no where near enough to mitigate the pain. And thinking that I have to fight this battle everyday for the rest of me life is exhausting. I can’t do it. I feel tired down to my bones. Talking myself out of killing myself everyday. Scared of triggers. Struggling to do basic things. Feeling hideous and unworthy of love. So much self hate. How can anyone do this for their entire life.

i don’t know why i feel sad, but i’m tired of feeling this way

“And I knew it. That’s the worst part: I knew it.”

— Marguerite Duras, The North China Lover (via wordsnquotes)

Ever hated yourself so much that the only thing you could is think about is punishing yourself and making yourself suffer? Doing every self destructive thing you can think of. Wanting to harm yourself because there’s so much hate. And you don’t know how to deal with it without taking it out on yourself

No, he didn’t love me. Yes, it’s not the end of the world. But it was the end of my world. I was always broken, even before I met him. But after him, I shattered into a million pieces.

One can fix a crack but you can’t put back a million pieces together

No amount of talking about it is going to make you love me. None of it will make you reply to me. No matter what I do to distract myself, it will not make a difference because you’re all I can think about all the damn time, each second of everyday.

I only want you, but you don’t want me.

People be like oh you’re in your 20s you have a whole life to live but I already feel as if I’ve missed every opportunity and made all the wrong decisions and it’s just fucked now

i am hurting very badly and i just want it to be over

it’s scary how when i think of the future my mind immediately jumps to “youre gonna kill yourself soon anyways so you dont have to worry about it”

“It’s tough to get out of bed; I know that myself. You can lie there for an hour and a half without thinking anything, just worrying about what the day holds and knowing that you won’t be able to deal with it.”

— Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story (via thebookquotes)

I begged him to stay. Lost all my dignity in the process. And it still wasn’t enough.

I’m starting to care less and less about how people would feel if I didn’t wake up tomorrow.

Bring up how people don’t reciprocate your energy and watch them guilt trip you for giving them things they “didn’t ask for.”

I begged you to stay. I apologized so that you’d stay. I forgave everything you did to hurt me for you to stay. I swallowed my pride for you to stay. I was so caught up in getting you to stay in any way possible, I didn’t realize that if you wanted to stay I wouldn’t have to do any of the above.

What hurts is that he was capable of love. Of caring. Of kindness. But I wasn’t good enough or worthy for him or that love.

— but she was

oh u got the metnal illnes?

“My heart gets sad sometimes. I’m not really sure why. It just starts to ache and my body begins to feel hollow. My mind wanders. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to. But I can’t help it. My heart just feels heavy.”

— You asked why I was so quiet

Overthinking the idea of “unrequited love”.

“Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes the person you want most, is the person you’re best without.”

— B.J (via quotefeeling)

i’ve been suicidal for so long that i’ve just been assuming i wouldn’t live even as long as i have so i never thought about anything long term and now i have no idea what i’m going to do and i’m more afraid to live than i ever was to die