Cute Bpd Things!!

One of the saddest, hardest moments of your life will be when you are crying and screaming to the world pleading for a sign.

A sign that you should stay alive for one more day, maybe a couple of days.

But that sign doesn’ t come. You stare at your phone thinking maybe someone will answer or someone will text you asking if you’re okay. You search endlessly for some reason to stay alive but you can’t find any.

That is probably the most heartbreaking moment when you can’t find any reason to stay alive when you need it most because you suddenly feel all this pain and you feel more alone than you’ve ever felt in your entire life.

That moment will break you and I don’t wish it on even my worst enemies.

thinking you're being overdramatic and paranoid over nothing only to be proven completely right is such a sickening feeling.

Somehow, despite my best attempts, I doubt I will ever be content with my own company.

I think there will forever be some part of me who yearns for that standard teenage friendship, you know? The late nights, the car rides, just the opportunity to have someone to talk to.

I’m so used to being second place- the friend they sit with when the others are away, the one they call when no one else picks up, that despite my best efforts, I can never see myself as anything more than a placeholder.

I’ve never had the high school dream. The friends, the parties, the relationships. Just the overwhelming sense of discomfort. The recognition that despite my best efforts, I will never be seen as more than the “fat friend”.

I don't see myself and my child self as the same person. As a child I was so good. I love her and I think that she deserves the world, but it breaks my heart to know that she is cursed to grow into me.

One day food stops being a treat and then it becomes a sin. One day she will start to smile as she almost falls as she stands up because that means that it's working.

When she does eat she hates herself.

And she misses the days where she felt beautiful. When she didn't get dizzy every time she sees sharp objects. When she didn't know what they feel like in her skin. When she didn't do it anyway because it hurts twice as much when she is so afraid.

And she can't help but wonder when it changed. When she started looking for the diet version of everything. When she stopped eating with her family. When she convinced herself that she was so utterly unlovable.

I wish I could save her because I deserve this but she doesn't. She was young and good. She deserved to end up happy. But she will end up where I am now. And playing dress up will change into dressing the cuts on her skin.

Suddenly make believe food is all that she will eat. Suddenly she's afraid to hug her mom because she knows that she'll feel her bones and she's come too far to stop now.

And she will realize that there is nothing keeping her here except for her fear.

This young girl who had so much love and so many dreams and ambitions is withering away as she grows but nothing changes because she is already too far gone.

And she watches as her health deteriorates because that means that she is small.

But once upon a time she was small, but she was happy and she didn't need to be small because that was not all that she was.

She was smart and kind and hopeful and so so loving

But now she is dying

And she is happy because she will finally be small again and then maybe someone will finally love her like they did back then

Because no one loves her unless she is fading

And she just wants to be held but no one is there anymore and she dreams of the big and warm arms from when she was young, but now her concerns don't make sense anymore, and people are getting tired of her

But she was once a small girl and that girl is doomed because one day she will stop loving herself and she will change everything just to feel loved even for a second

I'm sorry little me. You deserved better and I love you and I'm sorry that I failed you. You were too good for me.

I am so tired and burnt out, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore

“Where do you see yourself in the future”

Bb I don’t. I do not. I do not see myself. There is no future.

I’ll never be pretty enough

I’ll never be skinny enough

I’ll never be capable enough

I’ll never be funny enough

I’ll never be enough.

I am a masterpiece of contradictions: too much and not enough, fragile and fierce, desperate for love but terrified of it

Having bpd is literally the worst thing ever. A mood swing can hit you literally anytime any second of the day. You’re literally at the mercy of this fucking illness. Does it care that two seconds ago you were having an amazing time with your friends? No. Does it care that no will understand why you’re frowning and sitting in a corner when you were literally laughing two seconds ago? No. It doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. Not one thing. It just consumes you. And makes you hate yourself for being like this because there’s nothing you can do about it. Nothing.