Thisfeelswrong - This Feels Wrong

what you don’t realize is that if i get “embarrassed,” my first thought is “kill yourself.” i’m not like.. “oh haha silly me my mistake..” NOPE.. my initial reaction is “i deserve to rot in hell.”

I think something that is tough about BPD is being in a relatively good place in life and still feeling the destructive urge to end it all.

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

bpd is distancing yourself because their tone slightly changed and then running back crying to them begging them to love you

i’m so tired

-kurea:)

At the end of the day, it's still you alone with your blades while the people who hurt you so much live peacefully

And you're here, on this fucking app, trying to find comfort in people at least as destroyed as you are

how unfair is that ?

Every time I think about messaging or calling someone, I have to remind myself that no one cares. If they did you wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out. They'd probably check up on you by now.

It finally clicked in my brain, that the reason you don't treat me like you treat others in your life, is because you love the others in your life. You love having them in your life. I've simply become the obligation you can't untangle yourself from.

Kind of don’t want to have to be strong and keep fighting anymore just want to give up and give in im so tired