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Depression - Blog Posts
When the thought patterns are getting a little too recognizable:
*kitty ears down and bloody tears* was it my fault...... my friend is going to hurt himself, I feel like a horrible friend, do I cause all of this drama....., please make me feel better @bloodyarch3r42020
Yaaaaaaaaaaas look after yourself y'all :)
depression tips™
shower. not a bath, a shower. use water as hot or cold as u like. u dont even need to wash. just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. sit on the floor if you gotta.
moisturize everything. use whatever lotion u like. unscented? dollar store lotion? fancy ass 48 hour lotion that makes u smell like a field of wildflowers? use whatever you want, and use it all over.
put on clean, comfortable clothes.
put on ur favorite underwear. cute black lacy panties? those ridiculous boxers u bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? put em on.
drink cold water. use ice. if u want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.
clean something. doesn’t have to be anything big. organize one drawer of ur desk. wash five dirty dishes. do a load of laundry. scrub the bathroom sink.
blast music. listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.
make food. don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. take the time and make food. even if it’s ramen. add something special to it, like a hard boiled egg or some veggies. prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.
make something. write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. even if you don’t think you’re good at it.
go outside. take a walk. sit in the grass. look at the clouds. smell flowers. put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.
call someone. call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. talk to a stranger on the street. have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. if you can’t, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. even if you don’t say much, listen to them.
cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. take pictures of them. talk to them. tell them how u feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out.
yk you're living the 'elite' uni experience when;
•you didn't sleep all night
•currently barely opening your eyes
•your only meal was half of a snickers bar
•you're cold
•head spinning 7/24
•will have a breakdown if you think too much or think at all honestly
•on your last $10
•everything hurts
•have no friends
•anxiety 7/24
•fucking adhd
•a bit anaemic
•your way of preparing for exams is looking at the course material, cursing yourself for not starting earlier and crying cause everything is hard and you feel dumb
•have i mentioned existential crisis
•crying
•lots of crying
•going numb
let's take a minute to appreciate these beautiful people who make the most beautiful and saddest playlists. my night is not finished without them. <3
Do you know how I feel? I feel like I’m drowning, and I’m aware of it but I can’t do anything.
I know I have to study a lot, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to do stuff, to concentrate.
I know I have to keep my house in order and do the dishes every day, do the laundry. But I can’t.
I am gaining weight and I know I should and want to eat healthy and not stress-eatings. But I do.
I know that I should be active more and workout so that I have a nice body. But I can’t do it more than one day.
I know I should take care of myself. But I fucking can’t.
And I hate myself for losing control like that, not being able to control my willpower. I hate myself for knowing this shit and still procrastinate and watch a movie instead or surf the instagram. I know I’m wasting my time, but there’s this voice in my head that’s just so strong, when I hear it I say ‘screw it you’ll do it tomorrow’. And the worst part is I am allowing that voice to control me. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s like I’m losing control over my mind and my will to do things. I am telling myself every fucking day that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new start, but I feel deep down that it won’t. I feel like I’m drowning in my own sadness.
I realized a few days ago that I’m in depression. And that hit me hard. I am alone, sad and depressed. And I am trying to fight this fucking thing everyday but I fail. You know what though? I don’t want to lose control to that little piece of shit, I don’t want to be unhealthy, fat and depressed. I will fight it and I will kill it.
And when I do, it will be the greatest win of my life.
November
Once again, I feel the November coming.
I feel it’s cold grasp,
slowly trying to crawl under my skin,
spreading through my body like a sly disease.
At first, I did not even notice the changes.
The way my grin became more of a light smile,
The way my reflection always looks tired,
The way I crave the poets words,
just to feel someone else’s melancholy.
But than it hit me.
My body feels empty,
My soul is numb and lost,
My mind yearns for hibernation,
just to find rest and peace.
November hurts.
November leaves you feeling more alone than ever.
November is the month of the poets and the Sorrowed.
November is where I belong.
This is a nsft blog but by far the book I hate and love the most is Kneller's happy campers. The themes of hopelessness and depression are prevalent throughout the entire book, and as somebody who struggles with depression and got better, I was waiting for the same thing to happen to my main characters.
This is not the case. It's a beautiful novel that I need to reread through the lens I have now and see if I missed something in my first reading, but as I remember it, it's just edging you and has the message of "everything sucks forever" instead of "find your own happiness one step at a time". I might have been too immature to understand it though.
Please read these book if you aren't sensitive to depression, su*c*de, AH, self harm, or things of that sort, I fucking hate it so much. I also love it. It really captures the monotony and hopelessness with depression and puts a very interesting take on the afterlife.
Please then tell me what you think if you read it.
Oh yikes. Gonna stay far away from this one in that case. I really don't like depression narratives that - intentionally or not - play up the idea that it's just hopeless. I don't want sugarcoated "have you tried not being sad" stuff either. I feel like both can be really damaging. Especially since the people most likely to seek out depression narratives are people who are going through it themselves
Imagine a magical modern world where everyones ability is to manifest their personality/mental state/subconscious into a physical thing, and scientists find that theres a pattern within manifestations that allows doctors to diagnose people with a simple examination of their manifestation.
Trigger warning
And everything im about to list off would be traits if their abilities, not the actual abilities themselves
They stack, but are as powerful as the impact they have on the user
Narcs' manifestation would probably have something to do with themselves, or having themselves as the center
DID would probs be the ability to manifest multiple small/weak/incomplete symbolic (or not) things representing their alters or a single materialization of something cracked/split (necromancer except they bring to life their alters)
Id imagine depression would involve an ability with the perk to draw people in, like a siren
Anxiety would involve something to do with an unnerving type sensation, sounds, vibrations, disruptions, the sense of slowed or sped up time
Bipolar, a changing, fast, or sudden type ability
Ptsd/cptsd would probably have a flashing, sudden, or jarring type ability
Schizophrenia would be hallucinogenic, (that one spiderman scene from homecoming with that bastard man showing spidey things that arent real), aoe tyoe ability
Ocd maybe would have something to do with controllingness, intrusive/invasive actions (the itrusive thoughts in ocd becomes the premise of what happens to who ever their using their ability against? Idk ocd that well)
Phobias - depending on the phobia, the way you'd deal with what your afraid of being your ability. Arachnophobia - your ability being pest amd spider resiliant, agoraphobia - your ability having something to do with being able to hide somewhere safe that youve made (small portable inner world? Invisibility??)
ED; makes the person feel the opposite of their disorder (if the user has binge eating issues, then their power would make others feel empty/hungry/hollow; anorexia or restrictive would be like overwhelming the sense with a feeling of fullness, stuffiness, claustrophobia; etc)
Disassociative having something to do with an incredible europhoric/dream feeling or with an incredibly grounding, kind of like "oh yea i just remembered my entire life situation and cant escape" type feeling
ADHD either has something to do with the inability to have others activate their powers, control them well, or consistantly.
Addiction/substance abuse would be kind of like the helplessness, constant incessant need for something, anxiety, etc
is this going to take away my depression.?
Taking a soft glance at a new world
me: [feels literally anything]
me: oh stop being melodramatic, you.
[buries it and feels even more awful]
“sorry haha, i was just seeking attention.”
Story Episode 2 of 2: Lotus A new round of animatics is finally out for my ever-changing senior project.
Story Episode 1 of 2: Well A new round of animatics are finally out for my ever-changing senior project.
Trying to figure out if my social anxiety is a result of my depression or if my depression is a result of my social anxiety
Here's part 2.
"Karma?" Nagisa asked silently. Karma's eyes were slightly glistening from held in tears. His smile was gone, and he stared at his feet.
"Karma, may I speak to you?" Koro-sensei asked. Karma looked up at him and nodded, they went to the storage room.
The two girls came back and got an update about what happened Seo and Araki.
Some whimpers and sobbing could be heard from several faint-hearted students.
<With Karma and Koro-sensei>
"Karma, I need you to talk to me. It's upsetting me to see my students suffering," Koro-sensei tried to coax the story out of Karma.
"What else do you want me to say? You already saw that video, besides, you guys would've found out sooner or later hehe," Karma said laughing a little.
"Karma..." Koro-sensei grimaced.
"It's fine, I've been like this for a long time. And the cliff thing? That wasn't the first time I tried, But it's the first time I followed through with it. You said you'd catch me no matter how many times I tried. I haven't attempted since that day, this class is...interesting. It doesn't make me feel as empty, it's nice. I'm rambling again, aren't I? Sorry," Karma scratched the back of his neck harder than before.
(A nervous tick...) Koro-sensei realized and moved Karma's hand away from his neck.
"Karma...Once you're ready to accept help, even just a hug or ranting, you can always come to your classmates and teachers. If not us, then someone else you trust. Is that ok with you? There's no need to feel like you can't trust us,"
"Y-yeah, thanks, sensei..." Karma hesitantly tried to hug Koro-sensei, who recognized this and hugged his student tight. (I'm glad I coaxed something out of him, the road of recovery has to start somewhere.)
If the redhead left some tearstains and had red-rimmed eyes, neither mentioned it as they went back.
<With the students and teachers>
They were all an emotional wreck. The Terasquad spoke to Hazama, Machida was with the baseball club and other close friends. Nagisa was slightly trembling from barely held tears. Kayano, Okuda, and Rio tried to comfort him and each other. Sugino was patting Kanzaki's back as she quietly sobbed with Kurahashi.
Asano was...strange. He cared a lot for Karma, even if he'll deny it as him wanting a proper rival again, but he is worried. He empathizes to some extent with Karma. I mean, he isn't heartless after all. Ren, Seo, Araki, and Koyama looked at him worriedly. Asano spoke quietly, enough for just the 5 of them.
"I think there should be a mental health care unit in Kunugigaoka. But for that to happen, The principal's philosophy needs to go down first. I'm...not sure what to do about this,"
Koyama cleared his throat, "Maybe we should instill a unit, in secret. We can hold more student council meetings, and we can have health care periods within each class. The principal will think it's study halls but...it's not,"
"That is a possibility, we'll have to discuss more in the future, and possibly with Principal Asano himself," Ren inquired.
Araki and Seo nodded. Everyone turned to see Karma and Koro-sensei walking back, and it was easy to see Karma's tearstained cheeks. He looked so tired. No one said anything about how he clung to Koro-sensei's side and kept his gaze on the ground. Yada stood up and walked up to him.
She hugged him tightly, and he allowed it. Slowly, all of the E-class got up and joined the group hug, even Irina and Tadaomi. Koro-sensei's big tentacle hugs were appreciated for once. Ritsu felt guilty for showing the video since Karma clearly wasn't ready. But she's glad he's accepting help.
After everyone settled back into their spots, Karma's eyes started to droop. His head fell on top of Nagisa's as he fell asleep.
"Take a break, you guys can take a nap, use the restroom or something for a while. I'll start the videos in 45 minutes," Ritsu informed.
Everyone decided to have some leisure time to help lighten the mood. Nagisa and Rio laid Karma down and snuggled into his sides. Almost everyone in E-class decided to snuggle and nap. Koro-sensei took the blankets and spread them on to his students. Many others were also emotionally drained or had to pee.
Things would get better eventually. They had to, whether they wanted it or not.
The End!
I'm really sorry if y'all didn't like this, I'm not a good writer. Compared to School watches Assassination Classroom, this is nothing, but I tried my best. I'm happy with how this turned out.
If y'all need help with depression or suicidal tendencies, talk to someone you trust!
Okie I'm done.
This is part 1. Part 2 is the aftermath.
So I've had this idea based on another fanfic (It's School watches Assassination Classroom by TheSteinsGateFormula Please check it out, its amazing)
We know the song 'Sans Needs Help' from YouTube. So why not let it be Karma from Assassination Classroom?
Also, I changed the lyrics a little to suit better for the storyline.
Enjoy!!
Ritsu cleared her throat and gained everyone's attention. "Alright, let's take a break for now! This next video is a mini-episode, more of a music video, ahaha," Ritsu rubbed her arm as she said awkwardly.
"Is something wrong with the video?" Some C-class student said. "N-no...It's more of a sensitive topic...and personal. Karma, could I speak to you in private?"
E-class looked at the redhead who shrugged and went with Ritsu.
<With the students and teachers>
There were whispers and theories all around.
"What do you think they're talking about?" Kayano asked Nagisa. "I don't know. Karma and I have been friends since our first year but, I still don't know much about him. He has this way of easily avoiding things without the other person realizing it," (I hope he's ok...)
<With Karma and Ritsu>
"So...Is it ok if I show them?" Ritsu asked timidly. Karma's eyes went bleary. "Sure, You said my future self told you to show it. That things get better once the others find out. I'm holding you onto that, they're gonna find out eventually, so might as well tell them,"
Ritsu nodded as Karma went back to his seat. Ritsu sighed as she walked back. (You say that but it's clear you aren't ready)
"If any of you have any triggers or need to be away, please leave when you start feeling anxious," Ritsu said. She looked pointedly at Karma, who kept his eyes on the screen. He shook off the stares he felt and kept a smile on his face.
Ritsu pressed play.
The music starts and, the screen showed 'Karma Needs Help.' which obviously raised questions, but they kept watching. Then the cliff scene appeared before moving to Karma on his bed as the lyrics start. The bedroom was mostly clean, except for the bedsheets which half-covered Karma.
I wake up in the mornings
Sinking halfway to the bottom
There's a loud distorted screaming in my soul
There was a close up to Karma's face. He looked panicky but smiled, his smile was strange. Nagisa looked at Karma worriedly, as did most of E class. Karma stared blankly at the screen. He still had that fixed, robotic smile.
Everything is dark and empty
And I don't know how to fix it
So I curl up in a ball
And cry in the comfort of my home
S. Karma (Screen Karma) rolled on his side and curled up in a fetal position. His eyes opened and were glistening from unfallen tears. They fell once his eyes closed.
"Karma, dude, are you ok?" Sugino was worried. Karma turned to him and nodded. He still had that strange look on his face.
Koro-sensei was tense. (Please tell me he's ok. I won't let my students suffer)
Kensaku was also tense, but I don't care about this asshole, so he will be mentioned later on.
I don't know why
I feel like shit
I say I'm fine, but I'm not fine
S. Karma was seen getting up from the bed and, answering Nagisa's texts.
Nagisa: Hey, Karma! Are you ok? The class is gonna start in 30 minutes, and you know Koro-sensei doesn't like tardies.
Karma: I'm fine. Just woke up. Will be there soon.
Nagisa: Ok :)
Nagisa's shoulders hunched as he kept his gaze on the screen.
I'm dying inside
And all I see are demons
I try to hide
All my deepest feelings
S. Karma was walking up the mountain with S. Nagisa. S. Nagisa said something while S. Karma laughed.
Nagisa felt a small grin graced his face at the memory. But, he also frowned soon after at the implication that Karma hides how he feels.
Asano was upset. If anyone asked if he was worried, he would deny it. But he is. (I can't have a proper rivalry if my rival is in pain)
Author: I'm a multishipper for Karmagisa and Karushuu, y'all can see it as romantic or platonic for either.
I'm dying inside
And all I see are demons
I try to hide all my deepest feelings
In a small gap, S. Karma said, "Let's try assassinating Koro-sensei today!" with a smile as the classroom was shown and the next lyrics began.
Hazama frowned, and her brows furrowed. The Terasquad looked at her with worry before averting their attention back to the screen.
I think there's something wrong with me
'Cause all I see is death
During the death line, the students in the classroom were shown hanging from nooses for a split second. Then it changed to S. Nagisa looking worriedly at S. Karma, who flinched but quickly hid it.
"Hold on, PAUSE!" Shindo yelled.
Ritsu sighed in mild annoyance, "I know, you don't have to shout at me," Shindo quickly apologized before he turned to Karma. "What was that?!" He was met with silence.
"A-are you ok-k...?" Okuda asked. She was also met with silence. After a pause, Karma responded, "I'm fine," He sounded disconnected from his body. Asano spoke up, "It's clear you aren't,"
"Aww, is Asano-chan worried about me?" Karma said cheekily.
Asano growled. The A-class sensei thought he needed to stop a fight, but what Asano said caught him off guard.
"As a matter of fact, I AM WORRIED! You hide your emotions even more than I do! You use gallows humor as a shield, but to what extent? The video said 'Karma Needs Help' and it's obvious you need to talk to someone about all this!" That surprised Karma. It surprised everyone that Asano yelled.
Ren tried to clam him down, and he did calm down.
"I agree with Asano, this isn't healthy," Nagisa threw his 2 cents in.
"...oh," was all Karma could say. "Not...yet, but I'll think about it," Asano nodded at Karma's awkward agreement. Koro-sensei felt somewhat relieved that Karma is willing to seek help, along with Tadaomi and Irina.
Every time I go outside
I look like I've been doing Japanese
We see a close up of S. Karma's face, mainly his eyes. There were slight eyebags under them as the screen switched to him sleeping in class.
"Japanese?" Seo asked. "It's my worst subject," Karma said quietly. But with the silence among the crowd, it was heard clearly.
And I sleep for nineteen hours on a Thursday morning class.
S. Koro-sensei was shown waking up and slightly scolding S. Karma, who waved a hand at him while using the other to scratch his neck before looking at his book to write down notes. He still had that smile.
Koro-sensei felt guilt claw at him. (Poor kid was probably tired, but I must've thought he was lazy. I'll have to keep a closer eye from now on)
The scene changed to S. Karma locked in a bathroom stall. His hands had blood on then as his nose bled.
And every now and then I get nosebleeds
And I don't know what to do
We see S. Karma half-hazardly wipe his nose with a tissue.
"What the fucking hell!?" Teraseka exclaimed.
Karma shrugged. "It happens sometimes, not a big deal,"
Machida said, "Most people get nosebleeds out of stress...it happened to me too, before exams,"
Some girl (I think her name was Tsukiya or something) stood up and went to the restroom with her friend.
Karasuma was shaken but kept his composure. (How is this kid on top of the class in both PE and studies? He's barely holding on to dear life!)
Irina laid a hand on his shoulder. Karasuma turned to look at her as she mouthed something to him. 'We gotta do something to help.'
Karasuma couldn't agree more.
The scene once again changed to S. Karma leaning against a tree. It was a tree by the cliff, but not the tree that is sideways on the cliff. He's a good 10 meters away from it.
I don't know why
I feel like shit
I will not see a therapist
"Please see a therapist!" Class-E yelled at Karma, his eyes are even more bleary.
Kensaku grimaced. (What's with that kid? He's a sadistic freak, isn't he? A goddamn psychopath! So he's a little suicidal, but it can't be that bad, right?!)
S. Karma suddenly looked happier.
Author: Fake, obviously.
Ladies and gentlemen,
If you wanna fucking kill yourself
Put your fucking hands up (yeah!),
Razor blades in the air, everybody! (yeah!)
(WTF!?) went through everyone's head as Karma chuckled at the screen. Nagisa is terrified as he realized why Karma was so calm when he fell off the cliff. Koro-sensei didn't have it in him to say anything about the swear words.
A few students like Hazama, Machida, and others slowly rose their hands up. This made Etsuki-sensei whimper a little. Karasuma lost a little composure and let his eyes widen.
(*Coughing*)
Ay, oh, ay, oh, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, help, help, help, help, help, help, HELP!
There were memories that E-class made where S. Karma was happy on the outside but hurting on the inside. And as it went to the help part, it showed S. Karma getting swallowed by the darkness.
(Poor kid, I'm definitely softening up.) Irina thought as she felt a wave of empathy. She was mildly suicidal before she met Lovro. (I'm...terrible with kids, but...I think the little twerp would like some of my coping mechanisms. I stopped many years ago, but the sure helped me out when I was around his age.)
I'm dying inside
And all I see are demons
I try to hide all my deepest feelings
We see S. Karma get up from the tree and make his way home. The disconnected smile disappears, and he frowns.
I'm dying inside
And all I see are demons
I try to hide all my deepest feelings
S. Karma sat against the bottom of his bed, on the floor. He finally broke down and sobbed into his knees before the screen turned black.
And that's that. Next comes part 2.
Good therapy ≠ less depression sometimes
So I've been thinking back to when I went to therapy a while ago, and while it was great for giving me perspective about how it's okay to feel like shit with all the things you're going through (and how the therapists were honestly surprised i wasn't doing worse) in the long run I think it made my depression far worse. It started the trend of me trying to look at all my problems subjectively. I kinda miss being ignorant cause it turns out most of my issues are things I can't even affect if I wanted to and life kinda sucks...
I am completely not normal about Love for Love's sake.
It brought up so much pain, so much emotion and trauma that I'd buried deep inside for the sake of my sanity. It opened up this small chest of sadness I carry with me at all times, and all of the things I thought I had worked through spilled out. Tae Myung-ha is a character I relate to on such a visceral level, from his perpetual weariness to his self-destructive tendencies. I relate to feeling like you're older than everyone else around you, like you already know better, like there is no point in trying.
In the very first scene we already get the feeling that something is wrong with Myung-ha. That question from Sunbae - I swear to god, I've had people say the same thing to me, and I answered in the same dismissive and sarcastic tone. Yes, I am drinking like I want to die, but, unfortunately, it's not working. So I'll go on drinking like that to see how far I can go before I keel over.
When my girlfriend said she loved me for the first time, I held her and caressed her cheek but I was screaming internally. I was doing my best not to run away. I swear to god I could hear the error alarm going off in my head. I accepted the fact that her and I have very differing views on what love is, and I tried so hard to prove to her that she didn't actually love me, that it was just infatuation, that it was too soon, that she was yet to know the real me, so she couldn't love me, right? Then I realized that I was hurting her, because throwing someone else's feelings in their face is a cruel thing to do, especially to my girlfriend, who has issues with expressing her feelings.
I still don't believe her. And I am trying so hard to accept the fact that people love me in the way they do.
One of my friends once told me that I needed to rely on others, that she loved me and cared for me, and that I needed to accept that. Refusing to accept someone's love for you can be just as hurtful as not being loved at all. Other people love you, and it's important to show them you appreciate their love.
You know, all that shit that your brain makes up every now and then
That you're uncapable of change
That you're just pretending
That you are worthless
That you're wasting time
That in the future you will be so sorry for what you did or didn't do
Trying to shut it doesn't help. You need to face all that crap - slam the door and say:"Bring it on, bitch!"
And then
Take all the skill you have in debating
And destroy the annoying fucker
Not literally though, you kind of need it to live
I have been in a depressive funk for the past few months. Stress has been piling up and I've just shut down instead of dealing with it one at a time. I don't know where to start.
But Update on I Am Dazai:
Okay so I haven't updated my fanfic for three months because I am both reworking the first chapter and adding a new one. I decided to split the first chapter in two parts to add more context and detail to the time "Dazai" spent with Mori. Especially since new details have come to light and now I have to rewrite it. (Aka I read it and didn't like it) I may also rewrite the funeral but don't count on it. Or just rewrite the whole first half.
I don't know. Please be patient with me.
The next chapter after Dazai and Chuuya have defeated Rimbaud... They may or may not eat together at a restaurant. Wounds should be dealt with right away. But food first. Warm food takes priority.
Edit: It has come to my attention that it has only been fifteen days since I last updated, not three months. Time is a construct. I simply lost time. Oh well, revamped first chapter done. Working on the second one.
"I am always jealous. I am ALWAYS jealous. No matter how much I have. I am always wanting more. I can't be filled. I can't be enough. I can't get everything. I want more. I want more. And I have so much love, blessings, accomplishments, money, talent----more than I deserve for free and I still chase for more. I still scoff at other's happiness. I still wish for their failures. I pray for their downfall. I want to see them get beautifully destroyed, just because I don't want to see them succeed. I still want what they have even if in reality, I don't need it, I want it so they can't have it. I am so petty, so mean, so ill. No wonder no one likes me. I am filled with so much hate and despair and spite that I could never ever have enough"
~one of my unfinished novels. <3
The feeling of losing something, but you don't know what you are losing. You just feel lost.
Suffering from burnout while working on an essay about burnout is the type of dramatic irony I want in my life.
"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"
~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.
Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:
"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)
Let me set the scene:
In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.
This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.
The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.
Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.
During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.
I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".
I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.
I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.
For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.
Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.