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Depression - Blog Posts
First Post in Months!
Hey, hey, hey! It's been quite a while, and I've been meaning to sign back in and post, but I just haven't gotten around to it… until now.
I'll start off by sharing the reason I had stopped posting altogether. I was dealing with anxiety (which led to depression) for some of February and a good chunk of March. I've been dealing with it for years, but it became unmanageable and disrupted my diet and sleep habits. Since finding a psychiatriast (in addition to my therapist), I've gotten my medication changed and adopted healthy outlets (i.e., Animal Crossing and getting outside), and my anxiety is back at a mangeable level.
Next, work had picked up across several platforms, so I've been busy with my writing orders. I'm not complaining though; I'm grateful for the work, even when I was swamped. I would rather be stressed because I have too much than worried because I don't have enough.
Finally, I've been working on my work-life balance, so once I'm finished with my work, I'll usually shut down the laptop for the night. I decided this evening that I should really get in here and post something.
So, that's basically where I've been. I'll try to do better at sharing updates on my writing journey. If anyone reads this, or even if you don't, I hope you're all doing well! :)
I am kinda frustrated over rp stuff, I know it's cringe to be but idc. I'm also struggling to find something to be positive about when my brain is in a negative space because of how I am. I also am super disappointed, I decided to close an SH RP yesterday because I felt that a month with no reply was really long.
It probably makes me sound like an asshole, but I'm not sure what to do? I hate that i have niche rp wants, lol. I'll just look for my usual generic stuff, since finding what I want usually leads to the same issues lol.
I also drew Jinx.
I remember being driven in an ambulance to a mental hospital and I was making jokes (it's a coping skill of mine) and one of the doctors in the car told me that I was bright for my age and he wished more people were like me. Two weeks later when I was being transported by van to the residential facility and I was I little quieter but every now and then I would tell a joke or two. The guy driving the van turned to look at me and told me that I was such a fun person and that I had a future where I would finally be happy. I still remember his face and his name was Lauffe. He always laughed at my jokes for the months of my stay and was so friendly. While I was there I met so many amazing people and it pained me to see them going through so much shit. I cared about all of them and I still remember all of them. Emily, Vanessa, Alora/Ace, Jacob, Julio, Andreza, Cassy, and a few more. If you guys are reading this, it's potato and I still think about you guys and hope you're alright. People really do care... 💖💖
please don't ever think that no one cares about you
I work in an ER and we see suicides all the time. And we get at least 3 suicidal ideations a night. We all care about you. I promise, we do. A team of complete strangers who have worked 3+ 12 hour shifts this week who are being screamed at all day and night and probably haven’t had lunch and trust me, we still love you and care about you.
We had a 16 year old patient last night who we couldn’t save. We were in that room with this patient for over an hour, we did everything we could. And let me tell you, we all cried. The EMT’s, the nurses, the doctor. We all huddled together in the doctors dictation room and cried.
I went through the rest of my shift with smudged mascara and tracks on my cheeks.
I remember the names of all the patients that have taken their lives on my shifts.
I remember squeezing the hands, smoothing the hair, kissing the foreheads, and wiping away the blood and the vomit of every patient that has left me too soon.
I can still see every face that I have zipped into a body bag.
Trust me, someone cares about you. You have never met them yet. You don’t ever think about them. They are never remembered when you talk about heroes and role models.
But someone loves you.
I've needed to see this. It's the little things that keep us going, it really is...
…I almost killed myself
I put on my sunglasses, to hide my swollen eyes, over my tears. I cried all my makeup off. Went inside to have a milkshake. I don’t know why. I wanted something to drink as I figured out what I would do. I got a soda and a milkshake. Medium. The cashier looked at me and with a line around the corner of the counter he rushed away from the counter “Hold on “ he yelled to a coworker.
I filled my soda and went back and saw him looking all over. I go up and he gets close and says “I made it a large”.
That was seriously enough for me not to do it. His kindness. Someone went out of their way and as I went back in my car to cry I realized I could muster through a few other days. A few more weeks. Then I came down from that panicky high of anxiety, depression, and pain. I finished my shake. And it was enough time to let me feel better. I… I’m alive. I’ll make it through.
Try and be nice today. Tomorrow. Something as much as a smile. It helped so much.
Thank you man at McDonalds.
The milkshake saved my life
I PROMISE
TMNT
Mikey x Reader
So I felt like writing something depressing because we all need a little turtle love but some of us just need it differently. Sending my love to those of you with depression <3 Hope yall like it :)
Trigger Warning: Suicide, self harm, bullying, and depression.
Your life had always been bland and empty, it was something you’d learned to live with for as long as you could remember. That was… until you had met them. The turtles were the only people you had ever met who had ever given two shits about you. Your parents had neglected you for most of your life and the only friend you’d ever had had moved overseas to Ireland. The only good luck you’d had in your whole seventeen years was meeting the turtles two years ago.
They’d brought happiness into your world and made you feel human for the first time in your life, but out of all of them Mikey had helped you the most. You admire his strength and ability to lighten the mood, it had helped you on numerous occasions.
You really needed that today.
It was your birthday and as usual it seemed to be a day of torture. Every year something would happen to remind you that it was just another year people had to tolerate you and that you had to live through their torment. This time one of the girls in your foods class, who’d been partnered with you to take care of the laundry, had made a point of spilling bleach on you when the teacher wasn’t in the room.
She had pointed at you with a smirk and laughed. “Well maybe that will clean you up you filthy fat whore,” she’d announced, and the whole class laughed along with her.
You didn’t waste a second as you grabbed your backpack and ran out of the room to the sound of the whole class chanting, “(Y/N)’s a whore, (Y/N)’s a whore!”
Tears clouded your vision until you no longer knew where you were going, but you didn’t care, not anymore, there was no more reason to. At one point you caught sight of your reflection as you were passing a store window, bringing you to a halt. You looked awful. Your favorite dark orange shirt was already fading to white in messy splotches and so were your skinny jeans. Your beautiful (h/c) hair was covered in the nasty chemical making it crusty and plain out gross as it dripped from the tips onto the sidewalk, but the stench was the worst part. You saw a lady give you a disgusted look as she passed by and you ducked your head in shame before diving into the nearest alleyway and lifting up the closest manhole cover. During your time with the turtles your strength had grown and lifting the covers had became second nature.
You ran through the sewers as the memories flooded your vision. (Y/N)’s a whore! (Y/N)’s a whore! (Y/N)’s a whore!
“I’m a stupid fat whore…”
The words were barely a whisper, but the second they fell from your lips fresh tears fell in turrets and you had to stop moving as sobs racked your body. Why? Why did everyone need to remind you how useless you were? You knew no one cared, you’d accepted the fact a long time ago, no one loved you enough to care if you were gone. The thoughts and sobbs lasted only a few minutes before you took a few shaky breaths to calm yourself and continued walking.
When you arrived at the front doors to the lair you stopped. You wiped your eyes to make sure there were no remaining tears staining your cheeks for them to discover before you took another deep breath and walked in.
The first thing you noticed upon entering was that the lair was warm and smelled like pizza. You heard laughing to your left and looked up the small set of stairs to where the table was to see that the boys were eating pizza and betting on who would win the arm wrestling match that was going on between Leo and Raph.
You couldn’t help but feel happiness surge through the darkness at the sight, it brought back memories of happier times.
Back when you used to live with them for days at a time, during which you would wake up to Leo and Raph fighting and be the one to break them up. Back when you and Mikey would watch videos and spend all night talking about God knows what. Those were the days you lived for, the days you only had to worry about if Leo would burn dinner, or if Donnie would pass out from sheer exhaustion, or what you and Mikey would talk about that night…
The phone call had changed it all. Your parents demanded you come back, if you didn’t they’d take extreme measures. You didn’t want to find out what those were so you packed your things and prepared to leave after all the boys went to sleep that night, but as you were leaving you woke Mikey.
The argument you two had that night was one you’d rather not remember, but it seemed you could never get it out of your mind. It seemed to be burned there like a lingering scar in your memory.
He had refused to let you go. When you asked him why he refused to answer, just kept trying to convince you to stay. Your voices had steadily raised until the volume had woken his brothers and even Splinter. After a while you’d had enough and as you began to leave he had screamed at you that he didn’t want to see you hurt. That had been a year ago and as far as the brothers knew you were doing fine, better actually. They had no idea what things were really like...
You smiled and walked over, dumping your backpack at the foot of the small stairs, joining in on the fun.
Both turtles were straining and holding eye contact as they attempted to out gun the other. You laughed a little causing all attention to go to you as Raph flexed and pinned his older brother’s arm to the table.
“Ha, looks like I win Fearless.”
“It doesn’t count if I was distracted Raph,” Leo growled as they both looked at you.
Mikey gasped. “Dude what happened to you?” he asked as he looked you over.
You flinched a bit but smiled and said, “an accident with bleach in foods, a girl tripped and spilled bleach on me, nothing major.”
All the brothers seemed to gasp at the same time. “Nothing major?” they shouted in unison.
“Did she do it on purpose?”
“Did you tell a teacher?”
“Did ya knock ‘er out?”
“Did it get in your eyes?”
“Woah, woah, woah, guys relax!” you shouted, “it’s ok, the teacher wasn’t there so I left but I didn’t feel like going home so I came here instead. No there’s none in my eyes, just all over my clothes and hair. And no, Raph, I didn’t beat her up.”
Raph threw up his hands. “Well ‘scuse me for wondering if that girl got a proper ass whoopin.’”
“Looks like your clothes are ruined Angel Cakes, we should get you washed up while Donnie calls April.”
Mikey led you to the bathroom as Donnie took out his phone and dialed said girl and Leo and Raph went back to arguing about who had won their earlier fight.
As you entered the guest bathroom Mikey helped you take off your shoes while you grabbed a towel from beneath the sink. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Mikey scanning over your facial features, so you tried to keep them from showing the pain you felt. “Are you sure you’re ok (Y/N/N)?”
You smiled at the nick name and nodded encouragingly. “I promise Mikey, I’m fine. Just in desperate need of a shower,” you admitted sheepishly.
The orange clad turtle looked you over another time before smiling and getting up. “Well then I’ll let you take your shower. Holler at me if you need anything,” he said with a wink before lightly ruffling the dry part of your hair.
As the door shut behind him you let out a sigh and began to undress. You stepped into the shower and turned the knob as far as it could go. As the scalding water ran over your skin you found your thoughts wandering back to the dark places they had been treading through earlier. A tear streaked down your cheek but you didn’t notice as it mixed with the water running over your face. The water had reached an almost unbearable temperature by the time you turned to wash yourself off, but you barely even registered it as your thoughts roamed to desperate places. You were only half aware of your actions as you washed your body and shampooed your hair. You were only focused on the thoughts invading your mind.
(Y/N)’s a stupid fat whore!
Why can’t you follow orders like your sister.
You’ll never be anybody special.
Get your head out of the clouds, you can never be anything useful with all your daydreams.
Take a hike bitch.
What guy would want you?
Tears had begun to stream down your cheeks as memories flooded your mind and you finished washing your hair. There was something deep inside your soul that wanted to scream, to cry out for help, but what if they were right. What if nobody cared? What if nobody wanted you?
Your thoughts suddenly turned to Mikey. Would he care when you were gone? Would he cry and beg for you to come back?
No.
No one would.
A hand reached out and grasped your razor. You could end it. You could make it stop. Make the dull ache in the backs of your heart and skull disappear and the torment of your soul stop. You felt a slight sting as the razor dug into the skin of your left arm. The smell of blood filled you sinuses as you looked down to see the cuts bleeding. The wounds helped clear your thoughts as you dragged the sharp metal object across your arm again, and again, and again before switching to your other arm. Relief flooded your senses as the pain took over, but it wasn’t enough. You needed more.
You stepped out of the shower and into the foggy bathroom, barely able to see anything. Without letting go of the razor you wrapped your towel around you and stepped in front of the fogged up mirror. You swiped your hand across it, revealing your face. Your sad (e/c) eyes, your pale face, and the bags underneath your eyes. No one should have to live life like this. No one.
A knock on the door brought you out of your thoughts.
“Hey (Y/N), April dropped off some clothes and the rest of the bro’s went into the dojo to train so-” his words were suddenly cut off before he knocked on the door again, this time louder, “are you ok? There’s super steamy air coming out from under the door. Can I come in?”
Your breathing hitched in your throat as you reached over and locked the door. Not seconds later you heard the doorknob rattling as Mikey attempted to enter. His shouting grew and you knew that he could easily have Donnie taking the door off it’s hinges in a matter of minutes so you turned to look into the mirror as you held the metal against the skin of your neck.
BOOM!
The door shook as Mikey kicked it, almost sending the door flying. The door was suddenly pulled in the opposite direction to show Mikey at the same time that blood started to run down your neck.
Baby blue eyes met (e/c) as he stared at you with a pleading look. His usually bright demeanor was completely gone, replaced with sadness and above all, fear. You could see his hands shaking as they slowly reached out to you.
“(Y/N).”
You inhaled sharply. Although the words were barely audible they held more meaning than anyone else would ever understand. He rarely called you by your first name and he had never looked at you like that before.
It was then that all of the dark thoughts began to fade from your mind as you realized that all your earlier thoughts were false. Against your will your arms fell to your side and the razor dropped to the floor.
In mere seconds Mikey had his arms around you as the razor slid across the floor.
“Shhhhh, it’s ok (Y/N). I’m here. Please don’t ever do that again, you scared the shit out of me.”
His words barely registered in your mind as you finally let loose and slumped against his form. Your tears ran free and your sobs were so loud it hurt. You tried to hide the sounds against his neck but as his arms tightened around your shaking figure your walls began to crumble.
“I love you, please don’t leave me,” you whispered as you clung to him.
“I won't sweetheart, I promise. I- I love you too (Y/N). I’ll do anything to see you happy again,” he pushed you back a bit so he could look you in the eyes, his baby blue orbs moist with tears, “just promise me you’ll let Donnie take care of your cuts and that you’ll talk to me next time, I don’t want to see you so hurt.”
As his arms wrapped firmly back around you you felt all your walls caving in, the caution tape around your heart being ripped away, and your heart finally seemed to beat to in time with the universe.
And finally, you were at peace, you were home.
You nodded, a small smile gracing your features through the tears. “I promise.”
i honestly feel so invalid and unaccepted because like i’m doing a shit ton of research and taking quizzes and tests to find out if i’m autistic or not. most of them say that i’m most likely to be on the spectrum. i’m trying to talk to my mom about getting an actual diagnosis by a professional but it’s so frustrating and confusing because she doesn’t think i do but im genuinely concerned about myself!! and i honestly feel like im losing my mind. i hope you don’t mind me ranting on about this because i feel like my feelings are invalid and wrong because of my mom and that she doesn’t seem to care about my mental stability at all. again very sorry that this isn’t usually what i post. i hope you guys understand 🫶
Reblog and put in the tags what trait you usually have in common with your favorite characters.
Whoops been too depressed and tired to take a walk
I have cut on my left arm that leaves this fold next to bicep.
When i train my left arm feels so heavy. This rash or whatever… came provably from mosquito. Well im fucked
I guess one more year neeting
I am demoralized if i cant even remain strong then whats the fucking point
Ok, having depression or any kind of mood disorder fucking sucks. It can make even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming and impossible. But if you’re feeling shitty and you wake up and are able to accomplish any of these things you deserve a fucking medal. I know shit is hard but you’re not alone. Take solace in the little things. Just because they’re small doesn’t mean they’re not important. Little steps are never a bad place to start.
I remembered a funny conversation I had with someone, and thought it'd make for a fun redraw. It was during one of my darker chapters, and gave up on holding punches.
I’m getting sick and tired of being sick and tired
I’m not what she wants or what she sees… why does she keep trying to put me into her ideal box?
Just do your best that’s all anyone can ask for…
But Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way…
Just do your best that’s all anyone can ask for…
But Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way…
Today was the first two days of my collage classes, and one is okay, but the other one is a lot like my mentally unstable history teacher from 8th grade. I won’t go into too much detail but it was literal hell for me. And when I went up to him to tell him about my disabilities, he said, “You don’t look autistic, fill out this disability form and then I’ll help you, until then you’re on your own.”
I’m feeling my anxiety spiking and I just hope that we got off on the wrong foot, and the rest of the year will be okay… 😰
Vent art. Digital. 11th December, 2019.
I just wish I was stronger.
I think I might soon be kicked out by another therapist for being treatment resistant. I'm just really forgetful and can't make choices... Also the curse of wanting to feel better but not wanting to change anything because change is scary.