Digital Diary - Blog Posts

Hey, so today's post is kind of personal, more than a little personal actually but I guess you could say I wasn't feeling the best earlier. And with these feelings I was trying to find anything to distract myself with and I ended up going through some older notes in my phone. And, well I got to reading this one. I guess you could say it's kind of stupid but I almost felt like I could relate? (again to myself so, stupid) and I thought maybe others could too.

I guess I was just feeling a lot of emotions, some similar but also none quite the same. I guess you could say it I felt... Unvalidated? Not valued, not seen, not heard; amongst other things. I won't go into detail what happened today but I guess here's a little, almost diary entry? Of a bad day from a while back.

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Thurs. Oct 24, 2024:

I wasn't having the best day yesterday, I couldn't tell you why, there wasn't just one specific thing, I think it was just... Everything. I'm just, tired. Tired of not knowing, tired of not being enough. Just, tired. I need a break. Just a moment to catch my breath. So yeah, I wasn't having the best day yesterday.

I had to actively stop myself from crying my eyes out in the middle of a classroom or hallway a couple of times. For some reason, I so desperately wanted nothing more than a hug from my dad. But it made me want to cry even more because I knew I couldn't have one, it was in the middle of the school day and he was at work. I had to force myself to think of something, anything other than how much I so desperately wanted a hug at that moment. Otherwise, I'd start bawling my eyes out in front of dozens of people.

I thought about asking Mrs. T for a hug. She was right there. No more than a couple of steps away. But for some reason I couldn't get myself to do it. Even though I was trying my damn hardest not to have a mental breakdown a foot behind her. Instead I just silently got up once the bell rang and stood behind her for a moment, debating. But after a moment I just grabbed my bag and silently walked away, I didn't say anything, she didn't say anything either. (She hadn't notice)

The second time I think I had to actively avoid breaking out in tears was on the way to my third-period from Mrs. T office hours, I had to force myself to stop thinking about the hug I couldn't have otherwise I'd start crying in front of my pre-calculus class. Eventually, the teacher came along to unlock the door and I splashed my face with some water from the water fountain.

It was a little better after that. I could distract myself with math, I didn't have to think, well at least think about anything other than math. And I thought to myself, what if I asked Yoshi for a hug, even if it seemed like an inadequate substitute at the time? I thought about the girls and I know they would hug me if I asked but I don't know if it was the kind of hug I needed. I think that thought is also the reason I didn't end up asking ***** for a hug either. It wasn't the kind of hug I needed.

Even as I just silently dissociated my way through lunch to avoid crying. Then came ceramics, my mind and body felt all over the place. Like I wanted, needed to do something but couldn't. I was glazing my projects which helped a lot I even got to genuinely smile and laugh at some point, so my day got a little better after that. I could just immerse myself in my art. I could mostly do the same thing in LC while painting posters, so by the time I went home I was a lot better than the latter half of the afternoon.

Hours went by and I forgot about my insistent need for a hug from no one else but for my dad. And eventually, he came home. At that point I didn't feel like I desperately needed a hug anymore, but I thought to myself, I could still use that hug, so I silently moseyed my way out of my room after a moment of contemplation and made my way to his.

I stood at the door and watched for a moment as he was kicking his dirty laundry into a pile on the floor to be washed. I don't know why but that pile of dirty laundry felt like the Mariana trench between him and I at that moment. So instead of wading myself across it I just asked, are you still not working tomorrow? (That's not what I wanted to say but I felt like I needed to say something, anything, to try to bridge that gap)

He confirmed what I already knew, still not looking at me, just focusing on compiling his clothes together. And of course, since I was there standing in the doorway ******(my dog) wanted to come see, and as always he was getting told that he was in the way (I always feel bad when I hear everyone say that, even though it's true and he likes to stick close to your legs causing you to trip) and I don't know why it struck me so much.

Why when he told ******(my dog) to get out and go away it felt like he was saying it to me. I know he wasn't angry or annoyed at me, I know that. He was just tired and now annoyed at the dog. But it hit me, and I couldn't tell you why.

So I silently left and made my way back to my room as he started saying things like all I do is work work work work, work and mop, work and mop... In his usual annoyed tone. I don't know why, but for a moment, I silently stood at my door still just a little cracked as I listened to him rant, even though my heart felt like it was cracking with every word he said.

Finally, I silently shut the door and that's when the waterworks; the one's I had been holding back all day, finally spilled over. I cried for a while rambling and babbling and I had to repeatedly tell myself something I already knew, he's not mad at you, he's just tired and annoyed at the dog, he's just tired and annoyed at the dog, had to tell myself he won't be mad at you if you go to ask for a hug, that's ridiculous, so finally after a while of working up my gall, I splash my face with water in the bathroom make sure it didn't look like I was crying.

And I made my way back to his room, but this time there was no cavernous trench of laundry between us. I silently made my way in and just stood behind him while he was fiddling with his phone and charging, still not saying a word. ******(my dog) followed me along and jumped on his bed. It probably didn't take more than a minute to finish up his fiddling, but it felt like forever, and again I felt like I had to force myself to not make my eyes water, so he couldn't see.

Finally, he turned around and asked me what I wanted, I silently held my arms out for a hug and I asked him if I could get a hug he couldn't hear me so I repeated myself but I don't think it came out as more than a mumble. He got the hint anyway and hugged me. like his hugs. We usually just silently hold each other and sway back and forth on our feet. I like our hugs.

But in that moment it just didn't feel right. I couldn't tell you why. Just that it wasn't. Suddenly he spoke up and said, it'll all be okay. I don't know why he said it. Maybe it showed on my face. Or maybe you didn't show enough.

Because the next moment he's pulling away. Entirely too quickly. A hug. One that earlier in the day I had to actively stop myself from crying out for because I so desperately needed it. A hug I had to give myself a pep talk just ask for. But a hug that felt like it was the answer turned out to break me even more.

After he pulled away he joked about something with the dog and laughed. He laughed. There's nothing wrong with laughing. But in that moment it felt like she was laughing at me. And I had to force myself to let out a laugh too. So he wouldn't see that there's anything wrong.

Even as I silently walked out of his room my back to him so he wouldn't see the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Mouth tightly shut so he wouldn't hear the sobs threatening to claw up my throat. I silently walked away from his room to mine closed my door, and let the first sob near silently leave my body as it clicked shut. I felt so stupid. I felt useless and like I couldn't do anything.

And so then the waterworks started again as I tried to snuff out the sobs leaving my body. I didn't want him to try to come into my room and see me breaking apart so I decided I was going to take a shower. I wasn't dirty. Not really. But it felt like it, almost. Couldn't let him see. I don't know why he's not allowed to see. He just isn't. So I started quietly cursing myself for being so stupid as I took off my jewelry and grabbed my stuff for the shower. I felt better after the shower. Not entirely. But better than I was before. Didn't feel like I was going to start breaking out in sobs at any second. So, better.

i don't know what i was thinking when i decided to study journalism

(i'm exaggerating)

(actually i like what i study, i just like to complain)

(plus i'm CRAMPS)

(i want to be in my bed, but i have to study)

❝a vampire hidden underneath the oceans surface…❞

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welcome to my blog!!

⌗𝜗𝜚 Soren ! ☆ he/him/they/them ☆ 18!

>> vampire siren living in a hidden forest who comes out once in a while

my carrd!!! donate to help me get my top surgery!

>> black (🇯🇲🇺🇸) tboy !! genderfaun (agender+demiboy)

>> EST (nyc area)

>> infp/tp, 5w6, ☼ virgo ↑ libra ☾ gemini, 🥮🐕 (狗)

>> pansexual, acespec, demiromantic

>> anxiety riddled and possibly depressed

>> pre-t! hopefully starting late feb or early march!

>> pre-vet student ! (college freshman)

>> animal science, mycology, fungi, plant, bug, marine biology lover!!!

>> i have multiple aesthetics !! (mains are goth, vampire, cottagecore, fairycore)

>> i do art sometimes!! also play video games

>> i fb if i think youre cool…

>> DNI LIST: general DNI. zionist/pro israel (ew). maga / trump supporters. terfs+radfems (hating men isn’t feminism!! xx). misogynists. pedos (or “MAPs”). homophobes. transmeds. transphobes (babes youre on a transmans blog rn… leave). nazis (cannot believe i have to say this). if i think of more ill add more lol

>> my tags!!

> #🪼🦇 : all my posts! > #🪼🦇🐈 : my posts including my cat, Baby! > #🪼🦇vents : my vent posts > #🪼🦇 rants : my rant posts > #🪼🦇🏳️‍⚧️ : my experiences as a trans man! > #🪼🦇📔 : digital diary entries

ill add more as i think of more

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Candles!!!~ 🕯️✨

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✨ That's it!!~ ♥️

How I’m starting to see myself (I’ve been craving cookies for the longest time)

work out: 40 minute run

food rules: yes

stretching: yes

studying: 3 hours

meditate: nope

⋆₊˚4/10/2024 – DAY 4 journal

The day after my binge fast was suprisingly good, I thought I'll feel sick or something but nah, it was a regular day. I started it by eating a toast with two eggs, i only ate one because i burnt them both and the second one was just.. uhh.. Yeah, then i *sadly* went to school but I'm trying to make school better to myself so i have to be positive about it. Yay! I went to school. The day wasn't bad but my bsf disrespected me and i was mad at her, tho I'm not anymore. I got a good grade form my polish class and a compliment from my russian class teacher. When i went back home i made myself lunch = a salad my mom made (with greek yogurt so extra healthy) and fried chopped sausages. Then I IMMIDIATELY without any rest went to my room and hopped on my treadmil. I ran for 40 minutes, so my work out was done! Then i again, immidiately, started studying. Okay, there was a little break but it was cleaning the kitchen, so it wasn't really a break. I studied for 3 hours straight because I have a math exam today and i didn't know anything, but i do now - yay! Then it was already dark outside and my hair was super greasy so i just took a shower and washed my hair, its sooo soft now. It was already 8PM when i finished so i went back to my room, started working on my subliminal (I didn't finish it, if anyone is intrested then bbabybrooke is the name of my channel!!). I watched some YT videos and just went to sleep 💤

work out: yes

food rules: nope.. absolutely not

stretching: yes

studying: no

meditation: nope

<10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚3/10/2024 – DAY 3 journal

On sundays i have rest days but that day i had a huge binge fest lol, my breakfast was cakes, cakes, cakes, then i snacked on salad and continued to eat only sweets. My break from them was lunch, chuck steak with silesian dumplings. I felt a lil guilty so i did a HIIT workout, i didnt finish it because i felt kinda weak, but i did leg pilates after! I didn't read a book nor did i go out on a walk, so i did only maybe like 200 steps lolllll. I don't feel guilty tho, it's just one day and im not gonna repeat it. Not the end of the world!

WORK OUT: done

FOOD RULES: done

STRETCHING: done

STUDYING: done

MEDITATING: nope.

>10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚2/10/2024 – DAY 2 journal

Im writing this the day, yesterday was really succesful. When i woke up, i immidiately did the first half of my work out. I did my skincare etc. and then played some games, but my parents said we're going shopping. The shopping was suprisingly calm and we joked a lot. I bought myself a salad. After we came back my sis was doing an aesthetic 'breakfast' (at 2PM LOL) for her competition (?), she took a pic of it and let us eat it. It was very yummy but i forgot what it is. Then i started reading Atomic Habits and finished a whole chapter, after that I went on a 10k steps walk and listenned to my history topic (so i was walking and studying, smart). When I came back I finished studying the topic and did the other part of my workout (HIIT). When i finished, it was already dark outside. So i mainly relaxed, ate the salad, and at 10 pm when i was going to sleep my sister came back with her boyfriend and she gave me a box of chicken! ofc i ate it lol.. but she also came back with a lot of cakes.. and my mom told to me to eat some of those. i didnt, but the next day i did (today)🥲

---- 2/10/2024 entry

* Today I downloaded GTA the trilogy!! I'm starting with GTA III and it looks good.

* My sister is changing schools, she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants but my mom is so heartbroken, it's so sad to see her this way.

* I felt an urge to relapse into starving, but I KILLED that urge, murdered, gone !!

* On Monday I'll have swimming classes so i decided to go on a 1200 kcal diet until Monday, I'll do HIIT daily and walk a lot + 16:8. Ik thats kinda unhealthy but i wanna look good quick and i swear ill return to eating normal after monday LOLLL

* I was on a walk with my mom for like an hour and a half, I absolutely love walking with her, and I love her, she's the best <3

* That's it lol, nothing really happenned :') byeee🩷🪽

---- 1/10/2024 entry

* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!

* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.

* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..

* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽