Soukoku - Blog Posts

Dazai, slamming his glass: why doesn't he love me, dammit!

Oda: maybe you should calm down a little; following him around and spying on him would come off as creepy to him.

Ango, massaging his temples: I have no idea how you haven't gotten arrested for spying!

Dazai: maybe because we are fucking criminals that work in the Mafia, Ango? I don't think Chuuya would report ME to the police of all people....

Oda: what if he reports you to the boss?

Dazai: the boss is the one who gave me the idea of spying on Chuuya to get his attention! He has been helping me all along!

Oda:......

Ango: that sounds like him.

*Meanwhile*

Chuuya: that idiot mackerel has been following me around for a week! Can you stop him?

Mori: interesting, have you thought of giving in and going out with him?

Chuuya: of course no----wait a minute! THAT'S your question? Shouldn't you stop that crazy ass behaviour?

Mori: I have decided to send you two on a joint mission to Hawaii....for a month.

Chuuya: huh? What will we do there? Have a honeymoon?

Mori:....

Chuuya: NOOOOO

*Dazai, Chuuya and Sigma on their way back to Japan*

Chuuya: what the fuck were you doing with that anemic son of bitch? Can't you stop flirting with ANYONE you see for five minutes?

Dazai, gasping: how could I ever cheat on you? I would never do that, I was only entertaining him for our plan to work~

Chuuya: AND WHY WERE YOU CONFESSING YOUR LOVE TO ME? THAT'S DISGUSTING. THAT'S SICK

Dazai: Chuuya....we are literally in a relationship

Chuuya: I never said I took you back since you left!

Dazai: then why do you get mad when I flirt with other people?

Chuuya: I feel bad for them. I pity them for dealing with you!!!

Dazai: you are breaking my heart right now Chuuya, have a little mercy~

Sigma, in a corner fiddling with his fingers: I wish I was still unconscious....

I have a headcanon that Kunikida ounce ran into Port Mafia Skk when he was in highschool. He saw them commit extortion or some illegal shit but he couldn't understand what they were trying to do (he thought they were doing a student film). And Dazai and Chuuya decided they can't let a witness roam free so they try to intimidate Kunikida.

Chuuya, holding bullets: where do you think you are going brat?

Dazai, pointing a gun at Kunikida: my my you look like you are in a hurry, not for long~

Kunikida, raises his hands: okay, this is getting too in character, I won't interrupt your shoot. Let me go.

Chuuya: what are you talking about? The only thing we will shoot is YOU

Kunikida: hey, hey....what is a little kid like you doing with bullets!

Chuuya: WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLED A LITTLE KID, BITCH?

Dazai: calm down, Chuuya. He's not wrong

Chuuya: wipe that smug smile off your stupid face, Shithead

Dazai: I think you need a timeout Chuuya. You are being very naughty today!

*Kunikida watching them having arguments*

Kunikida: hey, guys. Please let me go. I have class in two minutes, it's my final year, I have entrance exams to study for

Chuuya: wait...you go to school?

Kunikida:....yes?

Dazai: how is it like?

Kunikida: it's good for me, since I am the student council president and the top student but for most people it's terrible

Dazai: I wonder what it's like, to go to a normal school...

Kunikida: who doesn't go to a school?

*Chuuya and Dazai have a discussion between themselves*

Chuuya: we are letting you go on one condition, you won't tell what happened here to any one.

Kunikida: I don't even know what's happening here but sure, I won't open my mouth. Can I go? I am late!

Dazai: enjoy the freedom my friend, as long as you can

Kunikida, on his way to school: what the fuck just happened

They all forget what happened that day because of more important things that came next. But one day Kunikida witnesses Dazai and Chuuya having an argument and he gets deja vu, as if he has heard those same things before......

(most of the characters didn't have a normal childhood and that will forever haunt me~)

BSD and Shipping

Since Valentine's day was coming I was interested in discussing a huge part of the BSD fandom: Shipping

( ⚠️ RANT INCOMING. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED ABOUT OPINIONS ON SHIPPING. PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS IN COMMENTS AND REBLOGS. ⚠️)

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So where to start?

For a long time I have been noticing one specific trend in the BSD subreddit. And that are posts that talk about unpopular opinions/Headcanons/fav or least fav ships etc.

What I find interesting about these posts is that one thing is always in the forefront, and it's the debates about the sexualities of the characters in BSD. While Headcanons can be annoying and some people do push their opinions on others, there is nuance that is lacking in the community when discussing some topics. Finding posts about Mori being a pedo and how Dazai is unlikable or overrated is very easy and the discussions surrounding topics like that are always the same. People would pick sides and end up writing a lot about what their opinion is and while that's valid, it also ends up in fandom wars where it's hard to like or dislike something without your head being in the chopping block.

Now let's go to the original topic: shipping. To examine the environment of shipping culture in BSD fandom we have to start with the headcanons that people have adopted for sexualities of the characters.

1. THE PROBLEM WITH HETRO-NORMATIVITY

Now, the posts about shipping often contain a lot of people writing paragraphs and paragraphs about what ships they like or dislike.

One of the ships that takes the most bullets for its existence and popularity is Soukoku or Shin Soukoku. There are lots of comments about these ships that "remind" us that canonically Dazai, Chuuya, Atsushi and Akutagawa are all straight. They should not be shipped with each other because they are straight.....

Dazai flirts with women and wants to commit a double suicide with a beautiful woman. Atsushi is very clearly set up to end up with Lucy. Akutagawa couldn't care less about romance as we see how dismissive he is with Higuchi. And Chuuya.......wears fashionable outfits and has a slutty waist, but we won't comment on that.

Dazai and Chuuya have a lot of queer subtext that anyone can see. Akutagawa and Atsushi are pointed out to complete each other and complement each other several times. These ships don't exist out of thin air.

Now there is nothing WRONG with anyone having the headcanon of any of these (or any other) characters to be straight, after all we are not given enough information about their sexualities. But by stating "Dazai is straight, he likes women" or "this ship doesn't make sense because they are not gay" not only does it imply that characters can't have other preferences but also that being straight is the default, which it isn't.

This is coming from a straight woman from a very conservative country where we don't have exposure to queer media. It took me a long time to stop being so heteronormative. I think assuming someone is straight until they prove to you or tell you directly is just as bad and as assuming someone is gay. I think we have come far along as a community to understand that it shouldn't be our first instinct to assume everything is heterosexual until we get some sort of proof or stamp of approval from its creator.

Asagiri isn't going to stand up in a stage in front of the world and say "yeah Dazai and Chuuya have gay feelings for eachother" because the manga is from Japan. If there were explicit queer characters then BSD would no longer get the label of being universal because of certain censorship laws. Even if it's getting more acceptable in Japan to show queer characters in manga and anime, BSD isn't a romance or slice of life story. It's a seinen, not a BL/GL. Besides, Asagiri shows little to no interest in romantic relationships in his story.

So by saying "______ character is straight because we don't have any other information proving otherwise " isn't a valid excuse to tell shippers not to ship certain characters, it's making it seem like heterosexuality is the default state of being.

That also doesn't mean you can say "Dazai is gay, don't ship him with women" because that's the same thing. If you think Dazai is gay/bi/pan/etc. then that's your opinion, pushing that on others only worsens the rep of skk shippers especially.

You have the right to like or dislike certain ships or have your own Headcanons. This is why even feminising certain characters also isn't as problematic as people call it. It's just a different take on a character (but that time people were correcting those who called Sigma a "he" instead of "they" was genuinely wrong). Headcanons of some random online stranger doesn't make anything canon. So if you find yourself around annoying people like that, just leave the conversation.

2. WHY SUBTEXT MATTERS

Subtext is really important when discussing media; in case of BSD whether it is the anime, manga, anthologies or LNs. BSD is not new to subtext, even from the start of the story there is a lot of queer subtext that people can figure out easily.

When we are introduced to Dazai and Chuuya's partnership in the first season, it's clear as day to see the dynamic and its underlying tension. We can see how close those two are that their relationship can't be explained just as simple partners turned enemies. Time and time again we get so much queer subtext between Skk's interactions. The entire 15 arc and well as Stormbringer shows us the bond and trust between the two as well as the intense amount of gay scenes. At this point I am sure Hoshikawa is a hardcore skk shipper. All of their official art is also gay (that could be queerbating though). Asagiri must know what the public thinks about Skk and still writes subtext about them. It makes sense why this would be a popular ship; it's not made out of thin air with no context (*ahem* Kousano *ahem*) but has actual roots and the proof to back it up too.

SSKK is a similar story, it's not my favourite but it has been growing on me ever since S5. Similar to skk, we get a lot of subtext and homoerotic moments between Aku and Atsushi. They are yin and yang. They are enemies that sought to kill eachother but still team up to fight together. Atsushi is literally the centre of Akutagawa's life since the beginning. Atsushi and Akutagawa grow together as characters and as different as they appear are similarly looking for one thing: validation and acceptance. Their relationship is so compelling in so many levels that it too makes sense why their ship is as popular as it is (especially regarding recent events in the story)

Ranpoe.....let's be real, those two got married a long time ago. They are the definition of "be gay, solve crimes". They are undeniably a cute ship regardless of whether it's one sided or not. Fyolai as well makes complete sense with the context behind Fyodor and Nikolai's relationship, while I also consider it quite one-sided as it's mostly Nikolai that is fascinated by Fyodor (and wants to kiss kill him) Fukumori isn't my cup of tea but it too has enough subtext to back it up, same with FukuFuku.

While I would love to talk about other ships, I wanted to show the reasoning behind the most popular pairings.

Personally, as a multishipper, it's very fun for me to have so many characters to examine and spend time obsessing over.

Now, there are straight ships that I like too as well as ships I don't ship for myself.

The reason I don't like Yosano and Ranpo together is because I see them in the same position as Kyouka and Atsushi. The scene of Ranpo recruiting Yosano (who worked with Mori) into the ADA parallels Atsushi saving Kyouka (who also worked with Mori). I consider them siblings and like how they are platonic instead of it being the typical "a boy and girl can't be besties". Another ship I love and cherish is AtsuLucy because it's so adorable, Lucy is my fav Guild member and her and Atsushi are "Girlboss and Malewife". I ship Tachihara with Gin, Higuchi and Gin as well as Kunikida with Yosano (surprisingly I don't find the appeal of Kunizai; though I still like that ship from time to time, just don't ship it actively). I prefer not to ship Sigma with anyone (he is still a baby to me)

So it's not that BSD doesn't have straight ships, when you make a majority male cast and have them be rivals or enemies, obviously people will ship m/m more. Especially if there is more subtext and tension behind the male characters and they have little to no interactions with women.

And I might get some heat for saying this:

It is okay for most of the BSD characters to be considered queer because if comp het is so normal in anime/manga then why can't the opposite be the case? We already have enough series with little to no representation, so why can't we have a bunch of queer characters?

3. TOXIC SHIPPERS AND THE FALL OF FANDOM CULTURE

I have been raving for the past two sections and defending the shipping community. But it isn't a conversation with nuance if I don't address the problem of a small group of people that take shipping too seriously. The reason why fandom itself gets a bad rep is because of shipping more often than not. I will admit, it's not all sunshine and rainbows when people argue about their fav ships. And a lot of the aforementioned ships are to a point, toxic. Yes, some shippers are annoying and ruin everyone else's fun. There are ships that don't make sense at all.

But that doesn't mean that a small part of people should represent others who are just having harmless fun and don't even believe their ships to ever become canon. Let's be real it's highly unlikely we will have any couples by the end of the show (the closest could be AtsuLucy). Sometimes people are too intense about ships and that goes for both antis and pros. Both of the extreme are toxic. And instead of shoving down our opinions down other people's throats, we should be celebrating the very story that brought us together in the first place.

Yeah it can be hard for those who don't like shipping at all to enjoy the story and have discussions. But we have to remember the roots of fandom culture start with shipping. It's always been the case and it's always been the most popular way to discuss one's favourite fictional work. From Sherlock to Genshin to boy bands to streamers, everything has been shipped and will always be. There is a reason why AO3 works so well.

4. SO WHAT?

The ships are what brought me to BSD in the first place. I wanted to explore the world of BSD because of its characters and their dynamics. And a lot of other people have gotten into this fandom for the exact same reason. While there are unflattering moments in our fandom, that doesn't mean it's not a place for people to come together and have some fun. Whether you ship or not. Whether you like fanfictions or not. We have to accept that there are a lot of pros to shipping too. It brings our ideas together, makes us feel giddy inside or tears our heart apart, it produces beautiful fanarts and fanfictions, it makes us analyse characters, it makes us look deeper into the story....and it makes us wait for what's next to come.

And I want nothing more than to be able to enjoy shipping without the guilt that comes with it.

Shipping isn't free from its flaws, but it is not defined only by its flaws. It might not be for everyone, but it is someone's everything. So even if you don't like it in particular, let's not spoil other people's fun. One's trash is another's treasure.

~Peace out 🕊️✌️

Chuuya, singing in the kareoke: I wanna key his car, I wanna make him lunch

Dazai, whispering to Atsushi: Chuuya sounds so desperate

Chuuya: I wanna break his heart and be the one to stitch it up

Dazai: .....wait

Chuuya: Wanna kiss his face

*Dazai, smirks*

Chuuya, making a fist: with an uppercut

Dazai: oh no....

Chuuya: I wanna meet his mom, to tell her, her son sucks!!!

*ADA and PM laughing in the background*

Dazai getting out of Chuuya's apartment in the morning: 😶

Atsushi getting out of Akutagawa's apartment in the morning: 😶

Dazai: let's keep this a secret between us and not tell anyone about this in the ADA

Atsushi: deal.

Akutagawa using intimidation tactics on Atsushi because he doesn't know how to flirt: Jinko look at my eyes when I talk or else....

Atsushi: but, you are holding my wrist and pushed me into a corner, what do you want? I thought you agreed not to kill me

Akutagawa: if you don't want your sister to go missing, then let me take you to a restaurant

Atsushi: first of all, Kyouka would never get kidnapped by you and why a restaurant, are you trying to sell me drugs or something?

Akutagawa: why are you not understanding me?

Atsushi: what are you talking about? What is wrong with you?

Akutagawa: stay here, I have to ask Dazai-san for more pointers. If you run away, I will put handcuffs on you

Atsushi: ......

Atsushi: wait...I am the DETECTIVE HERE NOT YOU.

Meanwhile, Dazai watching this with binoculars: Dammit, Atsushi is even more air-headed than Chuuya. How can they not get such simple things? I should have given Akutagawa the dog collar already. It worked on Chuuya, surely it will work on Atsushi-

Chuuya, kicks his back: can you stop ruining kids eh, shitty mackerel?

Atsushi, confused after a mission: what exactly is the relationship between Dazai-san and Chuuya-san?

Fukuzawa: they are enemies

Kunikida: more like ex-coworkers

Yosano: definitely, enemies with benefits

Kyouka: best friends!

Kenji: they help each other out in times of great trouble like good neighbors :)

Junichiro: Aren't they rivals?

Naomi: I thought they were Ex-boyfriends!

Haruno: I heard they got divorced

Atsushi, even more confused: they were married????

*Everyone looks at Ranpo*

Ranpo, takes his Lollipop out: Gay.

Why do you think Fyodor chose Chuuya specifically as his accomplice?

Maybe all that time in prison he heard Dazai constantly hyping Chuuya up and gushing about him. He heard about their shenanigans and the amount of trust they had in eachother. Maybe Dazai was just complaining and pouring his heart out about their complicated relationship.

And Fyodor thought it would be funny as hell and so much drama if Dazai gets killed by his own partner.

Dazai: And he didn't even kiss me after I went out of the way to recreate snow white!

Fyodor *fake gasp*: no shit, that's toxic!

Dazai: I know right, we never work it out :(

Fyodor: hey, maybe I could get you guys to meet and talk it all out....

Dazai: you would???

Fyodor, *evil smile* : of course, what else are enemies for?

Dazai: thanks bro, you're the best!

Dazai, in his head: Just as planned, he fell right into the trap or I say.....rat hole......ah that was a bad one

Dazai, in his head: I better call Mori and ask him to get Chibi a hot new outfit, he needs to look good for my confessions.....and the best part is he can't even deny or reject me when he is acting as a vampire...hehe. I should go practice my speeches.

Ps: Ranpoe is Enemies TO lovers since they are no longer fighting. Also Jouno and Tecchou don't count, since they are technically still on the same side despite fighting.

This is the Double Black generations~

Will they continue the legacy after Atsushi and Aku?

Every valentine's day Chuuya gets desperate, passionate love letters from someone whom he doesn't know. It's full of poetic lines and cryptic messages about how they are fated to be together and are soulmates. He wonders who this secret admirer is and decides to write back to them and ask them out on a date.

He goes to the restaurant they decide to meet at and takes a U-turn back to the receptionist and cancels his reservation when he sees Dazai sitting there waiting for him. Because Chuuya.exe has stopped working.

BSD S5 is driving me insane~

I did not expect to cry because of Fyolai and FukuFuku

Why do they have to pair them up and then separate them?

Are we here to fulfil Asagiri's sadistic desires ? 😭

Does he even like us?

"This story is not for people who are good at living"

Bullshit

Then maybe you should think about your fanbase of mentally ill people on copium~

Just sayin'

(ps: at least Skk and sskk reunion happened)

Do people really think that skk hate eachother?

After the fight with Lovecraft, we have a scene where Dazai smiles at Chuuya; this is one of the only genuine smiles we ever get from Dazai. Most of the time he is playing up a facade and he is very hard to read but he always seems to smile more genuinely when he is around Chuuya, especially when Chuuya isn't looking at him.

What I think those two have are very complicated feelings that haven't changed since they were 15-18.

Skk never got to be friends, they were always partners, "Double Black", Port Mafia's prodigies. They didn't get the chance to just be kids and see the better sides of eachother, their relationship didn't grow organically over the years but became stunted at a time when both of them were only teenagers. Thrust in an environment where there's not much positivity, Skk were always at odds because of their clashing personalities and mutual dislike (and their similarities)

I don't think that dislike ever became hate. I think they did become closer as the years passed, but then of course Dazai left.

While saying Chuuya was sad when Dazai left is a way to show their care for eachother. I would say, Chuuya was REALLY angry when Dazai left (that's why he drank that expensive wine, it was out of spite). How can he leave? Does he have no loyalty to the PM? Does he have no loyalty to Chuuya? They were partners, he can't just leave without a word.

Dazai left without a word because he knew how mad Chuuya would be at him when he finds out, he knew if he thought about Chuuya there would be a part of him that wouldn't want to leave this partnership that they have had since three years. It was something that gave him excitement in this "worthless thing they call living" it was his will to live. He also didn't want the PM to think Chuuya was involved with him and helped him in leaving.

I do think Dazai leaving PM made Chuuya dislike him even more. Dazai was not only annoying, he was also disloyal.

But when it comes to Dazai, I don't think he hated Chuuya at all. His fondness for Chuuya is what makes him not want to like him. It's the same way Nikolai wants to kill Fyodor for being the only one who understands him. Dazai doesn't want to kill Chuuya, when he says "I have been thinking about ways to kill Chuuya since 7 years" it's a lie, a joke for him, a facade. He could have done that any time in 7 years but he chose not to. He knows when it comes to it, he can't kill Chuuya.

Chuuya would say he hates Dazai but goes out of his way to save him everytime. In Dead Apple, he risked his own life to save Dazai who could have been dead for all he knew. But he still took the chance, believing that Dazai would have a plan and that he would know that Chuuya is going to risk it. (Also I wholeheartedly believe Dazai has some fantasies about being rescued by Chuuya, that Mf totally does)

Their trust in eachother is so strong, that even when they are on the enemy side, they are able to work together, putting their differences apart. They have never had a "real" fight like Atsushi and Akutagawa, it's more of snide remarks and calling nicknames, like their teenage selves.

I don't think Chuuya is aware of these complicated feelings, he has manifested his dislike of Dazai's antics and personality to a point he had hidden his care for him. On the other hand, Dazai is very aware of these feelings, he knows he cares. So he fakes it, acting out as usual the idea that he hates Chuuya, because he knows loving and caring for someone does not end well for him (look at Oda). He doesn't want to lose another person he cares for.

In retrospect as memeable and funny those two "confession" scenes are in S5; it's the first time Dazai is not lying, he is acknowledging his care for Chuuya in a way it feels authentic and real to Fyodor, so they could trick him. It's their plan, yes, but the reason it feels real is because IT IS. No wonder Chuuya shot him so many times ("Dazai's being stupid again, making me feel things, embarrassing me in front of the enemy").

This isn't a shipping post, I do ship Skk, but their bond is so deep that you can look at it in a platonic way and very little would change.

This is gonna be controversial 😅....... anyways~~~

I don't really like to use the word "queer". But for the purposes of the poll that would be used (I am not meaning to be offensive!)

I was really curious as to what people think about this since almost half of the posts I see are about the gay stuff in BSD (most of which are really good posts). The shipping is also mostly leaning towards m/m and w/w (and I am a multi-shippers)

So I wondered what the actual fuck is going on? What do you people think about it? I am not long enough here to form an opinion so I wouldn't state mine.

What is it that makes bsd so.......gay?

(I know about Rimlaine being an actual couple. Nikolai and Ranpo I heard are also gay. I know irl Dazai had a crush on a boy and other BSD authors having questionable sexualities. But this poll is ONLY about BSD anime, manga etc. And not concerning the real life authors)

(Also Q is referred to as they/them and are non-binary with no one knowing their gender. I am pretty sure Higuchi says something about that in Wan)

I came into the BSD fandom this year and.....jeez it was a wild ride. I don't know if I came at the worst of times or the best of times. I used to find it hard to believe that so many ships can exist but now here I am, becoming a multi-shipper (props to Dazai being a man-whore)

I just realised the lack of female characters right now.....anyways (Also where are my Hetero ships? Love Atsushi and Lucy but other than that? Ranpo x Yosano is also cute but it's....not enough)

Ranpoe is not included because they are happy together and married (not tragic).

Kousano is not included because they don't interact much (at all? I don't remember)

Other rare pairs or more normal (?) ships are not included

These are the most popular pairs that I could think of that are also tragic.....all of them are tragic tbh (I included HiguGin cuz I wanted at least one ship that wasn't m/m)

I am a newbie so....I am not looking for any fights 😅, just the opinions on the bsd fandom.

(ps: Had a small mistake. It's Sigzai NOT Siglai, I guess it's autocorrected)

(pss: I forgot Hawmitch, which is the only straight tragic ship I could think of now! Srry!)

(psss: Odazai for me is in the tragic platonic pairs so I didn't add it! Although it's a ship that makes sense, I like it in the platonic way)

"why can't they just be friends" not in the homophobic way but in the "their platonic relationship in the source material is far more dynamic and complex than the sanitized personalities they gain as a result of shipping" way

Waking up in the house of a man you haven't spoken to in years is certainly odd—at least for Dazai.

...Turns out being pathetically drunk has some advantages.

[Chapter 2/2] Soukoku <3

hey guys, remember the post i made two and a half hours ago about making a soukoku songfic (Feel Better by Penelope Scott) with Dazai's POV? well.. enjoy the 2k words!! edit: uploaded on ao3 and attached link!!

A nice pace—it was the best description Dazai could come up with whenever he asked himself to describe what sort of a life he was living now.

Not too slow like it was before joining the Detective Agency—he needed some action, but not as violent and urgent as his Port Mafia days.

But something prevented him from outright admitting that.

Sure, the usual hectic nature of the office was enough, and his co-workers were alright, but something felt off.

Dazai’s pen glided over the sheet, the ink melting into the page precisely as he directed the object to.

Precise. That was his life. Something he personally and perfectly curated it to. Of course, he was a genius, and with that came some useful methods to manipulate his surroundings to just what he preferred.

For some reason, he'd been doing the opposite as of late.

Likely to distance himself from the mafia. Obviously he continued to hide behind his mask, but his mannerisms were so much more genuine.

There was only one person he'd shown that side to before.

The grip on his pen tightened and his movements paused, making the ink pool over the specific spot and ruin the word that was previously placed.

His previous train of thought far gone, he shifted to a new line, and began to write, this time with less grace.

I don't wanna feel better

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over you

I wanna sit with you in bed

I don't wanna feel better

I'd give anything to miss you again

I don't wanna get over it

I wanna get under it instead

It felt as if his inner-consciousness was regularly at war with his brain. Thoughts of Hatrack somehow always seemed to invade and plague his mind.

Of course he could keep his mind hushed during the day and force himself to pay attention to work; but in the quiet confines of the night, however, the designated time he kept to truly tear his feelings and thoughts out as the room was darkened in solitude other than that lampshade…

The lampshade was nothing but a personification he created in his mind. The lampshade didn't actually care. No, the lampshade shouldn't care.

He hated that he wanted the lampshade to care, though.

…He was surprised at that particular thought. Was he healing like the lampshade told him so?

A book sits on top of clean and messy blankets

On a bed that fuckin' creaks at night when I get in it late

And late at night, I'm chugging Gatorade

And someone's breaking up when I crack up

Because I know I'll never know just what to say

Ever since he'd left the Port Mafia, all he had done was write. What else was there to do before joining the Agency?

So he wrote.

He filled out books with diary entries. Alongside keeping journals, he began to write poems.

Just like now.

He was honestly surprised how he hadn't done this earlier in his mafia days—it was so much easier to express his thoughts in writing than saying it out loud.

Of course he'd tried. He tried. He tried for him.

Eventually it's impossible to continue, even if the person deserves it.

I'm a communist, a terrorist, an MPDG thot

Or I'm a sad girl in a dorm room, living out the shady Christian plot of

Twilight or The Bible or The Lover by Duras

Or I'm just really fuckin' selfish and really fuckin' lost

It really felt as if he were in a reimagining of some cliché tragic romance, and only for him.

Surely Slug had forgotten all about him. And even if he hadn't, surely he'd have such an impression that, if Dazai’s name were brought up, he'd dismiss the topic with a scorn.

That certainly was the case. Dazai was never wrong in his calculations, after all.

…But, what did he think of that deduction?

But someone loved me, someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me and I fuckin' loved them too

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something

I had my cake (I ate it, it ate me too and, God, no)

I don't wanna feel better

Some things always fascinated Dazai.

The fact that he could be the object of affection, for one.

Being so wasn't the same as respect; he had the respect of so many—Port Mafia members when he was still one, his co-workers in the Detective Agency, but to truly be the muse to one’s love and kindness?

His first thought would go to Odasaku. But that was familial.

His second thought made him wonder how he always managed to fucked things up.

We kept our liquor in a suitcase underneath my bed

And we drank it to go out or just stay in or to feel sad

But in a hot way, a way I'll fuckin' never have again

The sun has began to set

Of course Dazai and Slug knew each other as teenagers. And of course they’d drink anyway, because they'd done much more illegal shit than underage drinking.

Dazai drunk a lot. Alone, with his former friends, and even now with the adult members of the Agency—but nothing could meet the odd domesticity of him and Chibi cheering after a mission in his apartment.

Sometimes they drunk because of their shitty lives. Sometimes they drunk just because. Sometimes they drunk as an excuse to stay in his bedroom.

Sometimes they drunk to have something to blame as they awoke a day later in the bed unclothed.

The lamp flickered.

I'm a socialist, Marxist, libertarian slut

I am an awkward teenage virgin and I sort of kinda laugh a lot in bed

But other times, I cry or don't make noise at all

I'd give my life to have a room that feels that small

Dazai is known for his exaggerated expressions—it looked as if he wore his emotions on his sleeve.

It was all a mask, of course. Why would Dazai be that vulnerable voluntarily? Someone would have to force it out.

Someone had.

It felt as if it were yesterday, clinging onto his shirt and bunching it all up in his hands as Dazai buried his face into the shorter man’s neck at an awkward angle, sobbing uncontrollably.

Or sometimes they’d sit together in the comfortable silence.

It wasn't as if he didn't trust the Agency’s members and couldn't be as vulnerable with them because of it, but simply that only when all of them were combined did they equal to what he had with Chibi.

Would he really mind if he’d have to make a switch in spending time with him, than the ADA?

'Cause someone loved me, someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me, I loved them too

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' earned something

I have a right to die, a right to live, a right to choose, too

And God, no!

Of course I don't wanna feel better!

Can you fucking imagine?!

The concept of having a reason to live had always confused Dazai. It was possibly his biggest question in life which he usually never gave a second thought to.

Until, of course, the reason arrived. In full force.

Chibi’s reaction to Dazai simply staring at the vein he’d nicked too hard once—the frantic begging for Dazai to take things seriously, the panic in his eyes, a whole storm, not only in his irises, but visible on his face.

He sort of stopped.

He isn't aware why he doesn't go all out while trying out methods anymore.

…To think that blatantly false statement would mock his intellect, yet it was his own thought from his own mind.

He didn't need to think further, simply observing the pen going over the ruled lines in order.

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over it

I wanna rip the stars to shreds

I don't wanna feel better

Of course he'd had one night stands here and there in the aftermath of leaving the Mafia.

For him? It was good enough.

He knew it'd be fruitless to look for love, so obviously he wouldn't even bother trying.

Of course it hurt, of course it fuckin' hurt

It hurt like nothing in the world sometimes

That I was super scared, and we were all a train-wreck

And also somehow making it

I think I might've died there twice, and I would do it all again

Port Mafia had fucked him up.

No, to only write one sentence to describe what he had gone through would be an understatement.

The only reason he could even recognise that was because of a special few.

Slug, Odasaku, and now the Agency members. The Agency members who made him unknowingly recognise how easily an environment can be uncontrolling and non-manipulating.

But, despite the change in scenery, which was clearly doing wonders for his mental health—something felt wrong.

Off.

Sure, life at the mafia was terrible, but it felt home, because that was all Dazai knew once. And as the years passed upon his leaving, he came to the revelation that he'd go through with it all over again for him.

I'm a nihilist, a soldier, an OCD-machine

Or I'm a healthy baby-girl who traded sunshine for disease

But when my head hit my cheap pillow, I could tell I had a heart

And I wanna tear this fascist Milky Way apart

Being a weapon never bothered Dazai.

He never even had a reason to live, so when Mori came along, Dazai played his games.

Continuing his way of living with an attempt here and there—the usual. For him, the glass would always be half empty.

Or atleast supposed to.

Getting a reason to live is weird.

'Cause someone loved me, someone fuckin' loved me

All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something

And it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food

Port Mafia was his entire life once.

And they were partners once.

For the important part of his life, Slug was all he knew. He knew and didn't at the same time.

Sure they told each other things, but it was always either the heaviest childhood trauma or an exchange of insults—no in between.

In spite of the insulting remarks, he felt so understood.

He actually felt as if he had worth.

It was a nice dynamic.

His frantic pace of writing practically turned to scribbles.

I guess I loved you, I guess I really loved you

All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew

And now you're over there, and I'm way over here

What am I gonna do?

Guess he would admit it.

And he frankly, didn't care.

He didn't care that he'd lost his only chance. He didn't care if the one person who saw him for what he truly was, the one person who’d shown him love and affection in his own way, didn't care.

Good.

Chuuya would feel better without him.

He didn't care if Chuuya believed the opposite. He didn't care if Chuuya believed that having someone who cared about him would help him feel better.

If that truly were the case?

I don't wanna feel better

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over you

I wanna sit with you in bed

I don't wanna feel better

Somehow, his mind, his treacherous fucking mind, wanted the opposite. Not the calculating, rational one—no, the emotional one.

He wanted to get over him, he really did—but why would his hand write the opposite? Why did his subconscious steer his strokes in the other direction? Why had he done so the entire poem?

…He really did want to sit in bed with Chuuya one last time.

the urge to write a soukoku songfic (the song in question being Feel Better by Penelope Scott) from Dazai's POV

man I love writing angsty fanfiction

please tell someone has written a fic with soukoku having a bathroom scene™

imagining a soukoku animatic with wet by dazey and the scouts as the background

Waking up in the house of a man you haven't spoken to in years is certainly odd—at least for Dazai.

...Turns out being pathetically drunk has some advantages.

[Chapter 1/2] Soukoku <3

everyone: shes probably studying for her finals

me: would dazai be the 'husband' in mitski's 'me and my husband' or chuuya?

Was I supposed to find out for myself that dazai and chuuya were just like that (tm)

Made a rushed fanart for Chuuya because it's his birthday :>

I did 16yo Chuuya so it could be his sweet sixteen lmao

Welp I saw this so I'm technically tagged

I'm horrible with deadlines and one of the most procrastinating authors you'll ever meet, probably 😔

Anyways, WIPs;

[bsd] the shelf life of those fantasies has expired [working title]

[bsd] I picked the petals, he loves me not

[bsd] rewrite the stars

[bsd] freak show [working title]

[bsd] love (loss) of my life [working title]

[bsd] burning brighter than the sun

[bsd] boy and the tramp [working title]

[bsd] fifteen

[bsd] beasts [working title]

[bsd] the lake [working title]

[bsd] as we dance in the pale moonlight

[bsd] stole my heart [working title]

[bsd] forget-me-not [working title]

Yep they're all bsd, no I'm not okay. And I suck at titles so most of them are working titles 🙏 (I swear I'll come up with something once I actually finish writing)

Anyone who sees this and writes is also tagged lol

WIP Game!

Rules: In a new post, list the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

—

hiiii @marichild ty for the tag. don't look at how many open lc wips i have right now, sorry these are pretty much all lyric titles.

[alnst] fire-eater

[alnst] [suahyuna]

[bsd] [soutsuji genderfic]

[lc] destroy you like i am

[lc] make a fucking fool of me

[lc] negotiating with the truth

[lc] pour salt in the wound

[lc] trouble for me

[lc] should probably, probably not

cairo, come back home

underhill

oasis

[backstory] take me home / i don't wanna be alone tonight

not tagging anyone but— if we're mutuals consider yourself tagged? actually also if we're not mutuals. i have approx 30 followers assume u are all tagged.

Character profile;

Name: Dazai Jisatsu 

Name origin: "Jisatsu" may or may not directly translate into "suicide" from Japanese 😭 I mean it's fitting though? 

Gender: male, he/him

Family: Osamu, Chuuya, Shiwasu (older twin sister)

Ability name: A Human's Sorrow

Ability description: my friend (@mi1ikan) came up with this mishmash of Soukoku's abilities; basically, Jisatsu can "kidnap" and take an ability user's ability just by touching them, and he doesn't need to keep constant contact to keep nullifying. The longer he keeps the ability "captive" the more it damages his health though (similar to Chuuya's damage during Corruption). The more abilities he kidnaps all at once, the faster his health deteriorates. When he "kidnaps" an ability his appearance changes, his hair goes from brown to orange and his eyes go from blue to a reddish-brown (so he can't really hide when he's taken an ability)

Age: 19

Height: 5'11

Occupation(s): student, Port Mafia executive 

Likes: alcohol, dogs, teasing others, fashion, going for drives to clear his mind

Dislikes: pain, dogs, rats, hard work, death

Birthday: August 13th

Hair color(s): brown (changes to orange)

Eye color(s): blue (changes to a reddish-brown)

~~

I really can't draw oh my God he looks like a serial killer and a fuckboy at the same time 😭🙏 I'm sorry my art skills can't do his justice 😔

This series of artworks/characters has been really fun tbh, I really liked making Jisatsu. (And while illustrating all these semi-OCs I'll still be experimenting with digital art lmao)

He's the second youngest person to become a Port Mafia executive (at 19; Dazai holds the record at 18). His sister Shiwasu is also an executive at 19, but since she's older she's third youngest (they were both promoted at the same time).

Jisatsu is a happy kid, and while he's a bit of a tease he's not an idiot. He gets work done (although not quickly) and he's capable of taking care of himself, he's liked by most people

Next is Ranpoe :D

List of songs by Taylor Swift that fit Bsd characters and relationships bc why not;

Fyolai - I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

Fyodor - Dear Reader

Dazai or Ranpo - Mastermind

Soukoku - All You Had To Do Was Stay

Shin Soukoku - invisible string

Shin Soukoku - Enchanted

Shin Soukoku - Treacherous

Shin Soukoku - Midnight Rain

Yosano - mad woman

Chuuya - Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?

Shin Soukoku - Haunted

Shin Soukoku - Ours

Soukoku - happiness

Soukoku - Cornelia Street

Soukoku - I Knew You Were Trouble

Shin Soukoku - Sparks Fly

Shin Soukoku - Timeless

Dazai - Antihero

Akutagawa - Breathe

Soukoku - I Almost Do

Shin Soukoku - Back to December

Ranpoe - But Daddy I Love Him

Dazai - Clean

Shin Soukoku - Come Back...Be Here

Atsushi - Clara Bow

Shin Soukoku - Call It What You Want

Shin Soukoku - Delicate

Atsushi - The Archer

Soukoku - Death By a Thousand Cuts

Kyouka - Daylight

Tachihara - epiphany

Shin Soukoku - I'm Only Me When I'm With You

Soukoku - Forever Winter

Soukoku - Fifteen

Soukoku - Hits Different

Soukoku - High Infidelity

Soukoku - Getaway Car

Akutagawa - mirrorball

Soukoku - Gorgeous

Shin Soukoku - Lover

Gin - Soon You'll Get Better

Shin Soukoku - Glitch

Soukoku - I Bet You Think About Me

Atsushi - I Hate It Here

Shin Soukoku or Soukoku - I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

Sigma - my tears ricochet

Shin Soukoku - If This Was a Movie

Akutagawa - I Forgot That You Existed

Kyouka, Atsushi or Yosano - Innocent

Soukoku - Is It Over Now?

Shin Soukoku - Jump Then Fall

Soukoku - King of My Heart

The Armed Detective Agency - Long Live

Shin Soukoku - Last Kiss

Shin Soukoku - Love Story

Atsushi - Mean

Dazai - marjorie

Kyouka - Never Grow Up

Shin Soukoku - Our Song

Ranpoe - Paper Rings

Soukoku - Style

Atsushi - seven

Shin Soukoku - "Slut!"

Shin Soukoku - Sweet Nothing

Soukoku - Sad Beautiful Tragic

Soukoku - Say Don't Go

Shin Soukoku - This Love

Ranpoe - the lakes

Fyolai - tolerate it

Atsushi - Tied Together With a Smile

Soukoku - The Story of Us

Soukoku - The Way I Loved You

Shin Soukoku - Untouchable

Soukoku - Wonderland

Yosano - Would've Could've Should've

~~

Well that ended up longer than I expected. And I'm probably forgetting some lmao

Okay so! The results are in :D

I did not think 169 whole people would vote omg 😭 ty to everyone who voted!

Sskk won, kinda unsurprisingly bc sskk is just perfect, so I'll be drawing and revealing my (kind of an OC) sskk love child first. I'll actually be designing and making every ship kid on this poll (and maybe a few that weren't mentioned), this poll was to pick who would be revealed first (⁠~⁠‾⁠▿⁠‾⁠)⁠~

So, in order of who will be revealed from first to last is;

Sskk (26%)

Skk (24.9%)

Ranpoe (15.4%)

Fyolai (8.9%)

Suegiku (7.1%)

Kunibram (6.5%)

Kenjikyou (3%)

Rimlaine (3%)

Steincraft (2.4%)

Tachitani (1.8%)

Other kids of ships that I haven't officially decided on yet (the remaining 1.2%)

I'll be giving each kid a character profile and just some extras on them, and this is just for fun, don't take it too seriously please :>

Can't wait to share my art (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

I'm aware my art isn't very popular or anything lol but please pick which kid you'd want to see me draw the most<3 (I'm also aware every kid on this list beside Kenjikyou's would be biologically impossible but uhh let's say there's just some ability user or whatever who can let two men have kids or smth, idk I'm here to draw not to have logic mk 😔)

I'll also name the kid and give them a bit of a story when I end up drawing whoever they are :>