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System Stuff - Blog Posts
When you struggle with identity loss so you just adopt that as your identity.
Me: Scrolling thru Tumblr
Theo: Fucking fronts specifically to make me go back and like a post I didn't care enough to like myself
And that's how literally every post on our feed was liked.
Do any other systems just... like... look through stuff they made/said before they knew they were a system and cringe so hard?
Like. Personally, we made up an entire alternative explanation for what we were to avoid being associated with alters... but uh, funny story, here we are now :]
System Tree
Quick recap of terms:
Split - When an alter "splits", forming two or more new alters from the original one.
Blend - A temporary fusion between alters.
Primary Alter - An alter who is most commonly present, the "default mode". This is a term we personally created for our own system.
Additionally, "whole" is in quotation marks because of how systems form! There technically never was a state a being whole, but because M/N refers to a potential final fusion and blend as well as us before we became a system, we have chosen to use that term.
Calling alters "alters, parts, headmates, peices": 🚫🚫🚫🚫
Calling alters: "those bitchass motherfuckers" ✅️✅️✅️
As a semi recovered persecutor, this, I understand and know that my actions have hurt and scarred the people in our system. It's fully understandable for them to hate me, I'm not upset that they are, I've hurt them, or people they care about, you can be mad at someone or hate them without demonizing them for something out of their control, and it's important people remember that
Reminder that while persecutors aren't evil, or bad for the trauma they went through or hold to have resulted in how they act — you're allowed to be upset with them, dislike them, hate them even for the actions they take against you/your system. You are allowed to feel hurt by their actions.
Persecutors shouldn't be shunned or demonised, but that shouldn't remove them from the responsibility for their own actions (if they have control over their actions, some alters don't, but of course even then you can still be upset).
Suffering trauma from within your own system is hard, and you're allowed to be angry, upset, disgusted, whatever you feel about it.
Bit of system rambles
Something that's, always kinda bothered me as a system is, how it feels like almost every other system we know just, magically has a great memory, like they sometimes have larger chunks of memory missing but, that's like, it, now please understand this absolutely isn't us fake claiming any of them
It's just, we struggle so much with memory, even without switching out we can barely remember what we've done,, 5 minutes ago, and it's like that all the time, for us it's not just those chunks of memory missing, it's fucking everything, what did we do an hour ago? I don't know, a few minutes ago? Whoooo knows? Not me, we struggle so much with our day to day memory it's fucking impossible. The body's family jokes and laughs about us having "on set dementia" because of how horrible it is, we're never trusted to remember things because we just can't, I hate how it feels like everyone but us has such,, limited issues with this
long kinda vent ahead hooray. it's kinda system-flavored this time. tastes like lemon. 🍋
sometimes it's really hard being a system, especially one that is so, like, hyper-aware of everything i have. every disorder, every disability. thing is, i can't do anything to fix myself!!
i've literally told my own mother about separate identity states and the memory loss and whatnot. she said to my therapist that i "was right about the dissociative thing," even if we were only diagnosed so far with unspecified dissociative disorder. the dmdd diagnosis typically leads to an adulthood diagnosis of bipolar, which i'm actually scared about. i fit much more into borderline, just like my mom.
ugh, i don't know. i don't even know what i'll be diagnosed with, come adulthood. i mean system-wise. we're a trauma-endo system (which some fuckheads will already think is enough to not warrant a diagnosis, thanks for that) that doesn't switch from the main host a lot. we have good communication when i can switch out from the front, but we don't have complete memory loss. if anything, it's more like emotional amnesia and the memories are kinda gone too, but they can come back at a later date.
for example, our medic fictive had to call the cops (they didn't even do anything either, but it was our mom's last resort) one night at 2 am last year. i don't remember it well, but i remember it happened. he was terrified that night and he couldn't switch out.
but what the fuck could we even be diagnosed with? i want a diagnosis. i want to figure out exactly what is going on with my brain. most of my parts aren't exactly same-y. they're different people, at least most of them are. sure, we have to mask a little bit, but they think and act a little different than me. we have the memory loss, but i've always had a horrid memory, even before our late syscovery in january of 2021. but i sometimes feel like it's not "bad enough" to warrant a full-on did diagnosis.
it just confuses me. a lot of the times before, my mom would see me looking up disorders and go "oh, shi's just looking hirself up again." but i'm just that aware of what's wrong with me. people either see me and disregard my research, or i just don't know how to help myself. those are the 2 results. yes, i have a therapist. yes, i open up to her and she makes me feel safe, much more than any other therapist i've had in the past.
i just don't know how to help myself. to help us. i want to live in functional multiplicity, mostly because i get so tired and i get so lonely. i don't want these people to be gone at all. if anything, they give me someone to talk to, even if our headspace isn't permanent and we don't remember our own conversations, even if we jot them down. my memory absolutely sucks. i can't remember faces, names, or even voices sometimes. i can't remember people.
basically, i love and yet hate being disabled by anything my mind and body throws at me. i like the community, i like learning about myself. i hate the symptoms, i hate the confusion and the doctors not being able to do their fucking job. ahem, looking at you doctors who only tested me for SLEEP APNEA, which i definitely do not have. now they want to test me for narcolepsy... which i probably don't have, either.
sometimes i wish what it was like to be of sound mind and body, even if it was for just one singular day.
hi all! anyone can interact with this post regardless of syscourse stance, but ive realized that the carrd to the syscourse code was deleted for whatever reason. im not sure of why as such, heres a link to the last web archive of it, for anyone who wants to continue to use it without scouring the internet for answers to the questions. (if the original creator of the carrd sees this post and wants me to delete it for any reason, i will!) click here for the wayback archive!
This is how people gain followers on Tumblr in a nutshell.
Also, he just picked her up and now she lives rent free in the corner of his mind. Actually, he's the one paying rent because he's giving her the ingredients she desires.
I love that Jinshi was like, “this girl is the weirdest person I’ve ever met. I’m keeping her!” That is the kind of instant and complete acceptance we little freaks need.
piccolo fanfic where the reader reveals they have D.I.D. when Piccolo mentions Kami and Nail in his head bc they think he has it too WHEN.
Hiya! I’m Mikan! I wanted to post my blog on here so you guys can follow it >:3/nf
-💊🩺💉🩸
New system pin goes hard 🔥🔥🔥
A few of my alters wanted to make an account so feel free to follow it do you want
It's so wild to me still how different some of the others are. And it's no wonder I would try to supress the differences. It can be kinda scary and uncomfortable to suddenly feel like you hate something you love or feel suddenly angry for no reason. And that's just being influenced by *one* of them. It's so strange sometimes of course my instinct is to think it's not real.
Noticing and acknowledging and even accepting what it feels like to co-front has been a very big hurdle for us. Maybe because I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone else describe the sensation in quite the same way as we experience it. It's a little hard to explain properly but I found some images that kind of translate the feeling.
tw: images may mess with eyes or impose feelings of unreality
Most of the time we feel like 'ourselves' (i.e. the one correlated with our irl name/Des) but who is easily influenced by the others.
Only, when one of the others front, Des doesn't necessarily leave front or even develop amnesia and can usually still speak. It feels like the above images, with two beings occupying the same space. Afterwards Des will remember the basics of what transpired but as if it happened to another person or was a dream--with details missed and emotions muted or lost from the time.