Inspiredtrans - Naamloos

your mental health will take everything from your life until it eventually takes your life

I want to be supportive of women and girls getting to be their masculine self nowadays but it's really hard because I'll always be a bit resentful and salty about the fact I wasn't even allowed stuff like the Cars movies and playing with hotwheels. Telling my family I wanted to shave my head partially is probably my first gender related traumatic event.

Maybe I'm wrong for feeling that way, but I can't help but feel a lot of mixed emotions when seeing women, and especially little girls nowadays, get to be happily masculine as kids/teens or even young adults.

I think I genuinely want to end it all. Nobody cares about me, not in a way that matters anyway. I constantly get discriminated against simply because I'm a foreigner, and they make it incredibly difficult to navigate all the legal stuff in my new country. And even if I do have everything in order, sometimes I still get denied simply because "fuck you, that's why".

I'm also struggling with severe mental illness and trauma, which at this point I only expect to be neglected even further. Not to mention dysphoria and being trans amplifying the above tenfold.

I just don't see the point. I want to withdraw from society. It doesn't deserve me.

If only it worked like that :')

I'm not saying I'm mentally ill, but today I bought a new teddy bear because I had been looking at it for a couple weeks and finally caved into the temptation. Yet the moment I put it down on my bed, I felt an overwhelming urge of guilt and disgust and the need to throw it away and apologize to my old, trusty teddy. And now the new one won't stop looking at my with its devilish eyes and I actually want to get rid of it even though it's like brand-new but I also DO NOT want to touch that thing anymore.

the fact that trans women can talk about their specific oppression without acknowledging trans men, but trans men cant talk about our experiences without acknowledging trans women, or we will get treated like we are somehow the real oppressors.... is not great not gonna lie

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so resentful, that I wasn't so hateful at times. Hatred does consume your soul in a way. But I can't help it. And for the love of God sometimes I wish people would just understand that.

Like all throughout places like special ed school, or even support groups, I would get bullied relentlessly by people who were neurodivergent or had a mental illness of some kind, and I'd get told "they can't help what they do, just ignore it" or "be nice to them regardless, they already have it hard as is", but I, with the same neurodivergenies and mental illnesses, never get afforded the same treatment. Why don't I get treated like that when my mental illness or trauma makes me say some fucked up shit? Or have violent thoughts? Or have outburts?

Even here on tumblr all I hear is "support people who get angry or violent from mental illness" and stuff like that, but the exact same story. They say something genuinely hurtful, they get defended because they "can't help it", but when I have an episode, I get degraded even further.

Just fuck all the way off. I get it. I fucking get it. I'm the unwanted here. Everybody else is more important than me. But you don't have to be mean about it, and at the very least, don't degrade me for something you defend or even praise others for.

I've been getting told "it'll get better since like age 11. I'm 20 now. Let me tell you it has not gotten any better, and never will be.

The idea of "socialization" as a trans person is so interesting, because a lot of trans women talk about how they generally don't experience male socialization (I say generally because all trans experiences are different, but the general idea of true). They experience closeted trans women socialization, which I can't even begin to speak on what entails.

So in contrast, you would expect something similar to be true for trans men, and in a way, yes and no. There is some truth to seeing how men are expected to act (stoic, unemotional, etc) and internalizing that. But there is also the experience of growing up as a little girl where so much focus is put on the idea that you should grow up in service of others. That is internalized so readily in just watching your mother and sisters cooking and cleaning up thanksgiving dinner while your dad and brother sit in the family room watching football. Its in how your body is told to be covered until it can benefit the men around you (i.e. school dress codes). Its in how you, as the smart girl in class, need to pick up the slack in group projects with class clown boys, but you are still less intelligent and deserve to be talked down to. Its in how you are told to be quiet and diminish yourself and act for others and never yourself. And because you are expected to grow up as a girl, this is how you are expected to act.

But then you aren't a girl, you are now a man that lives in service to others, has internalized this idea of diminishing himself, is stoic about his emotions, and lives in a world where the crimes of cis male patriarchy are thrust on his shoulders as his responsibility. Any of his anger is seen as either violently male, or hysterically female, and so you get none of the support you need and are only ever really critiqued.

Idk, just thinking about trans men again.

Sorry not sorry but sometimes I really am done having to put up with mentally ill folks. Like the fuck do you mean you can make fun of my sexual assault and abuse I've faced and then go "whoopsie daisy, it's just my BPD making me do that, teehee" and then when I call them out, I'm the ableist one??? The fuck??