Neurospicy - Blog Posts

A real thing that happened yesterday

Me hiding in the bathroom BC I'm overstimulated and my family is loud:.....

My sister hesitantly knocking on the bathroom door: Did you fall in?

Me:.....yes?

should i write a wattpad smut novel or do my homework and graduate highschool what do yall think.

"TV show about kid who is 100% neurodivergent that got canceled too soon but gained a cult following years later" starterpack

I want to be with a guy who is little autistic, but kinky. Who has a lot of nerdy hobbies and gets over simulated with noise, but still wants me to morn in his ear. You love's me so he start learning my love languages and I his. Who will buy me flowers because I like it. Sometimes even explaining me importance of different flower and there cultural significance. Just cute little nerdy boy.

The Premium Package: Bonus Round

Bloodwork came back positive for GAD65 antibodies. So now my rheumatologist is assuming not just neuropsychiatric lupus, but also Stiff Person Syndrome and GAD65 autoimmune encephalitis, based on my imaging and other test results.

I guess we’re just collecting neuroimmune disorders like trading cards now. Got brain fog? Muscle spasms? Random hallucinations? Congratulations, you might qualify for the rare holographic edition.

At this point, it feels less like getting answers and more like unlocking increasingly cursed DLC. The collector’s set is not supposed to be this complete.

Eating with the big spoon just to feel something

do NOT leave me alone in a room if u dont want me to sort shit

I find it so fucking funny how I've managed to amass a friend group of nearly all neurodivergents. Like-

There are about 3 people in it that have no chance of getting into the grippy sock vacation.

And the other 17?

Well.

There were about 10 of us going to Home Depot cause we're helping one of our group to get stuff for their new deck and just. We're in the outdoor garden part and one of my friends just slaps my arm and points at 2 crows and the only word that leaves their mouth is

"Crow"

I turned and saw the crows and just even louder stated "CROW" and everyone in our group just turned and stared bug eyed at the crows in pure silence for a solid 5 seconds before another friend piped up and said

"Those are some nice birbs."

And we all nodded and mumbled our collective agreement.

You know what I find personally annoying about AIs?

Not professionally as a kinda-techbro. Not morally as a human being. Not ethically as someone who trying to be a decent person. Not semantically as a philosophy major. Just personally?

The same behavior y'all hate in people like me, you adore in a chatbot.

BREAKING NEWS:

following your therapist's advice actually does help.

What is it like to be a normal person? I've never experienced it before.

I'm here with you on this. It's such a scary thing to have to look them in the eyes and see a different glance staring back. It's especially hard to have to rationalize everything that happened in your head, just enough so to make sure your friend has some sort of clue what you're talking about when you explain the situation later on. Cause they're gonna ask. And you'll have to answer. And it's so nerve-wracking. Ugh

Nobody talks about how hard it is to face people again after you've had an episode in front of them

Once they've seen you do full-force into self-destruct, they always look at you with a sense of wariness and like you're not the person they thought you were

The shame makes me want to rip my skin off

Dearest swirly brain,

I know that most days you hate yourself.

You hate feeling so out of control, so burdensome.

Dark fog and rapid heat consume every fold, every corner.

You want peace, or relief.

But dearest swirly brain, you are more.

You are a culmination of decades of feelings and LIFE.

Vibrancy and light and contrast.

You are always moving.

Evolving. Changing. Learning.

You are so wildly and authentically human.

Tried to explain floor time to my mother tonight and I physically could NOT

hihi moot that's also not neurotypical!

HIHI!!! yes i love collecting neurodivergent moots

wow omg! how revolutionary! we get complex emotions just like allistic people! okay so what the fuck???

why the hell did I suddenly gain autism hypersensitivity to all of the fabrics in my clothes????

Like yesterday I was wearing a shirt I've had for around 2 years now, never had a problem with it, in fact its been one of my comfiest shirts until now, but suddenly (in a span of like a day or so) it just became so uncomfortable and I became aware every single point it was touching in my body, and I had to take it off completely (I'm currently rotting in my home so no big deal) but that has never happened to me with any other shirt before.

I'm now wearing my current comfiest shirt #1 and even with this im somewhat feeling everything, not as bad as with the other shirt though.

Autistic experience or everyone experience?

I was only diagnosed as an adult, so I’ve been thinking back and wondering if specific sensory experiences are more of an everyone experience or autistic experience. Let me know if you have felt these and whether or not y’all have/are autistic.

-vitamin filled drinks of any sort burn your throat

-honey in tea does not soothe the throat it makes it dry

-volume of public toilets flushing is unbearable

-there is not a single type of comfortable clothing tag. They are all evil

-squishy/slimy with chunks is an abominable food texture, which makes anything from porridge to pie to stew very hard to manage

-tennis shoes have to be tied the exact same tightness

-leaning against warm store deli cases and cars pleases the inner lizard greatly

-stuffing urself in a very small space where you are hidden and gently squished is Very Good (unless ur claustrophobic, which I am not)

-have to climb. I am in a tree. Wedged in the top of a doorway. On the roof. Somewhere I haven’t been told not to go.. anyway my parents tossed me at rock climbing gyms

-fridge is good hum. Lights are bad hum.

I could list more but I shan’t rn

There is a very specific and painful uncomfortable infuriating frustrating dreadful sad feeling of desire, when you care so much about something, and you just want to tell someone about it.

To take a character and make someone else care about them they way you do

To show someone how fascinating a topic is

To demonstrate how intricate a story is, how intertwined the world is

To bundle up the bright, overflowing bundle of care/excitement/intrigue and share it so someone else can experience it too

…

But sometimes, perhaps often, there is no one to tell.

No one you haven’t bothered recently. No one who has a similar interest. No one who will be willing to read the outpour. No one who would care. No one you haven’t already handed a new interest.

And that desire to share, give, offer, show, and tell someone sours. It melts into a charred mass of dread in your stomach that seeps into the subject itself, if only a little.

Autism thing #476

People often think your favorites are strange. Not because of your choice, but because you’ve given it enough thought to have one.

Nothing is better than being comfy and snuggled into a weighted blanket pulled up around your chin.

Unpopular opinion:

Dim room lighting is the worst.

I’m not talking about tech brightness, just room lighting. To me, light is for seeing things so either the light is gonna be full bright or it’s gonna be off. I do not desire poor vision.

Anyone else have subconscious conversations they aren’t paying attention to and then all the sudden key in like “does anyone wanna explain what’s going on?” But no the thoughts just skitter away like shadows

Anyway so my brain wants to Baja blast someone or smth into the stratosphere - dunno why

Verbal stims of a family

Me: sneep snop, hergldeebergle, deedleedlee, well flip my flapjacks, fridge nuggets, *various noises I cannot imitate with letters*

Dad: *husky dramatics,* *intentionally poor imitation of Elvis songs,* *duck noises made with side of cheek*

Mom: not a verbal stimmer

Gpa: BEEDLEBOM, humbug, buster the cat, *downward whistle-trill* (DEE-dee Du-De-Dooo), buzzard bill, hobo Joe

Gma: *loudest slightly-off-tune whistling ever,* *singing,* *mindless chatter to accompany tasks*

Y’all heard any of those in ur families? Do your parents and grandparents have different ones? Feel free to share

Sometimes growing up an undiagnosed Audhd bean means you didn’t get bullied but you didn’t make any lasting friendships either

Nonverbal communication of a semiverbal human:

Thanks: asl open-palmed gesture, mouth to other hand (or a nod with a closed eye smile)

Help: wide intense eye contact and emphatic gesturing. Rigid movements

Happy: silly facial expressions, The Fangirl Gesture, wiggly squidward arms, relaxed posture

Anxious: repetitive cyclical motions in hands, arms, face, and feet. Pinched mouth, tension, squishing self into small space, rocking on balls of feet, tapping teeth together, shaking out hands

Sad: slow movement, quiet, rubbing hands or arms or neck. Zoned out, sighing

Anger: rubbing palms with thumbs aggressively, clenched jaw, avoidance, scratching forearms or legs, tugging on own hair, furrowed brows, no eye contact at all, hiding, leaving

Care abt u: buying things u spoke of, pebbling, talking to you often as manageable, sitting with you doing nothing, sitting with you when choice seating, bonking head into your shoulder/ upper arm, smiling at u upon eye contact when first seeing, looking into things u spoke of, trying to figure out how to resolve your problems, inviting you to adventure, showing you creations, sharing special interest

Need comfort/support: Sudden head/shoulder leaning into your shoulder or back, standing slightly to the side and behind you, dramatic groan and flop onto a surface, shoving self into small space or burying self in smth heavy

Don’t Like/ uncomfy w/ You: avoid you, only act cold/professional with you, intense eye contact, only ever American Stranger Smiles at you, doesn’t perpetuate conversation

Sound effects of a semiverbal and what I do them for:

For fun:

-hnarglebarg

-heedlyhoodly

-sneepsnop

-weyll flip my flapjacks!

-keskeh keskeh keskeseh

-binglebongledingledongleswingleswongle fo-fingle-fo-fongle

-kekekekekkekeekkekeke

Calling someones attention to something or to my presence:

-heehoo

-eh!

-hm!

-ezqueedly me

Expression of discomfort:

-mmmMMMM 😡

-*big sigh of chest hurts from anxiety*

-*narrating everything I’m doing with lots of “um” and “ok, uh,” etc*

-*musical fake laughter*

-I contain multitudes

-what’s your favorite day of the month?

Sounds of “I want something from you” usually accompanied by gestures:

-M!

-N!

-Eh!

-*name of person said dramatically*

Notes: I am not a child I just struggle with word finding and formulating my thoughts, especially when I’m struggling with my senses.

Most of the people I spend a significant amount of time with start using some of my stims and odd forms of communication. I often don’t need to do anything other than hum the correct intonation of a phrase to get my point across.

If you don’t know why I would say random things when stressed, its a combo of when I was figuring out (and making fun of) small talk combined with “I need something to leave my body and rn it’s gonna be words”

To all my fellow verbal stimmers,

Y’all ever have to have the awkward convo with a new person like

Me: stimming

Person: what’d you say?

Me: ah… I was… just making random noise 😅

I think that Planets by Jerobeam Fenderson is capable of resetting my brain