Currently Fighting The Trans Masculine Urge To Cut The Sleeves Off All My Shirts

How come your kid can be whoever they want when they grow up, but when I try it it’s “identity theft” and “illegal”

I’ve always been a bit of a kleptomaniac, but to this day I’ve never taken anything that made any logical sense. For example:

A wrench off the top of a fire hydrant

A coil of rope from behind a dumpster (it wasn’t dirty)

A big ass tree branch I carried for two miles that barely fit in my friend’s car; reaching from the driver’s seat through the little door thing and into the trunk

A broken piano from the side of the road that I dragged toward my house for half a mile before giving up (pianos are heavy)

Pokémon Go!

I love jaywalking with strangers. They can’t kill all of us!!!

I was not expecting quite so many people to reblog this with a shout out to their own personal brand of anti-anxiety medication, but I guess its nice to know a lot of us are just out here tricking our brains into doing basic tasks, cartoon character high-jink style

My brain, having a meltdown like a toddler: everything is bad and awful and I absolutely refuse to function in these working conditions *dumps a shitload of adrenaline into the nervous system*

Me, sighing heavily and holding up lorazepam: would ya do it for a Scooby snack?

When I was in high school I managed to get myself haunted by this really helpful passive aggressive ghost. I’ll elaborate: one of the times I lost my phone, which was on silent, I started panicking and I asked my friend Jessie who was with me if she’d seen my phone anywhere, and at that moment the ghost threw it across the room with enough force to dent my wall.

I still think about that ghost anytime I loose my phone. If you’re out there reading this, please come back; I can’t find any of my shit.

Welcome to Florida

Sorry man, it’s the rules, if you want to rob me you have to roll intimidation

Also, a dire bear has suddenly appeared behind you and you should probably do something about that

Remember- always carry some premade character sheets and a one-shot with you so if you’re mugged, you can distract your attacker by getting them to take part in an impromptu D&D session!

I get this ALL the time

seriously you guys, make up your mind

neurotypicals: why are you so weird? you’re really weird

me: I’m autistic

neurotypicals: but then why are you so normal? you’re really normal

Have you considered:

Modern furniture is a vengeful god that was never meant to be touched and all those who dare defy it will suffer eternal pain from the pits of hell

Real talk I hate modern interior design. I loathe it. I detest it in the personal vindictive way typically reserved for middle school bullies and extended family members who vote republican. Modern furniture design is grotesque, and not in the fun freaky way I respect. It is disgusting. It is morally indefensible. It has no back support, provides no comfort, no joy, no cushion for my tush or my spine. Minimalism does not exist for you, it in fact resents your very presence and the fact of your birth. These worthless sticks of chrome and pleather furniture are shaped solely to stroke the slimy egoes of fool designers & capitalists & hipster-cum-sports bars that charge $12 for an appetizer. Such morally defunct furnishings are for observation and corporate office waiting room decoration only, their raison d'etre is stubbed toes and back pain, they exist to punish you for having the needs of flesh, how dare you mistake them for friends