I Need A Hug - Blog Posts

No better way to express yourself than to vent in your note app

You know your touch starved when your dad pats you on the head and you nearly cry

Crying atm for being jealous that my boyfriend has such great friends and hangs out with them and I'm at home being a hermit doomscrolling and i have to be asked to get up from my bed. I need to get a therapist quick.

Life update: crying because I miss my best friend since kindergarten. Fuck you corona you peice of shit, you made me not talk to her for I didn't keep track of time but I know it has been at least four months. Everyone wear masks and wash your God forsaken hands so I can see her again!

Zombie Apocalypse AU (Eustass Kidd)

Summary:

Modern AU in which Kidd is more or less happily married. Content warning includes HEAVY SPOILERS so enter at your own risk: Heavy cursing, zombies, impending doom, people dying, angst, horror, grief, murdering your loved ones, explicit violence, violence towards small children, death, typical zombie apocalypse stuff. That said I think as far as zombie apocalypses go this is some pretty vanilla stuff. But then again I literally do not consume any zombie media whatsoever, so what do I know.

"Seriously, you never listen to me. You're suppposed to pick Stevie up from kindergarden today." 

"Babe, I told you, I'm working late today. I gotta finish up today's job, the client's been all over my ass for this, he's been hounding me for the past week non-stop." 

"How is your job more important than our ONLY son?!"

"That's not what I'm saying! But I'll run into big trouble with my boss if I just ditch work today!" 

"It's not what you're saying, but actions speak louder than words. You spend every single day at that damn garage. Do you even know what your son looks like anymore?"

The conversation replays in Kidd's head over and over on his drive to work. Of course he cares for Stevie. Of course he does. His wife Becka just doesn't realize how hard he works every single damn day to pay the bills for both of them. Not like she knows what that's like, she's been staying at home to care for Stevie for the past few years. Which honestly, he resents her for a bit. He'd rather get to spend some time off of work and in the company of his son too. She's right. He knows what his son looks like of course, but he feels so damn estranged from him that it makes him want to punch something. Shitty fucking money and the need to earn it. 

It's not even that he dislikes his job. He loves being a mechanic, but his boss is a proper asshole. Kidd's been dreaming about opening up his own mechanic workshop for years. The "Damned Garage", he'd call it. That way all the wussy clients would be scared off by the name alone and he wouldn't get as many idiots coming to his garage. That was the idea at least. 

During his work day, he manages to forget about the argument by throwing himself into his work. Usually his lunch break is around 1pm, but he puts it off by two hours, having felt the need to make sure that he finish one particularly stubborn piece of repairs first. He grabs his lunch and phone, sitting down in the workers' room at the table, biting into his sandwhich heartily as he turns on his phone to check for anything new happening. 

A sharp feeling of guilt stabs through him when he sees five missed calls from Becka. Shit. What if something had happened?

Without bothering to read his messages first, he calls her immediately. It takes painfully long for her to pick up and boy does she sound pissed when she does. 

"Kidd. Why the fuck didn't you respond?!" 

"Becka. I'm so sorry, I only just saw. What's wrong?" 

"Everything is wrong. Stevie is sick. I called you to pick him up. But of course you didn't fucking answer." 

"Sick? What do you mean, he's sick? What's he got?"

"I don't know! I'm at the doctor's. His breathing is really shallow." Her harsh tone finally mellows as a choked sob comes through the phone. "I'm scared, Kidd. He collapsed at kindergarden today and he's barely conscious. I don't know what the hell is going on. He seemed fine this morning. The caretaker said he sounded like he was choking on something before he collapsed." 

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Which doctor? I'm on my way." Kidd leaves everything where it is, grabbing his car keys and making his way to his car. He'll explain this to his boss tomorrow. 

Becka gives him the address of the children's doctor she's at. When he sits down in his car, it won't start. 

Why won't it start? He's a mechanic, he regularly checks over his car, almost religiously. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! Start up you damn bitch!", he yells and slams his fist against the dashboard. Somehow, that makes the engine splutter to life. Sounds like it's got some issue, but that's the last of his worries right now. He needs to get to Becka and Stevie. The car damn well better hold out til then or he'll hijack any that he comes across. He doesn't fucking care right now. He grew up as a lowly street thug and he's not shy about using that knowledge when it counts. 

The streets feel oddly crowded for a tuesday afternoon. It shouldn't be rush hour yet, yet he gets stuck in one jam after the other. He clenches his fist so tightly that his nails start digging into the palm of his hand painfully, leaving angry, red marks. The pain distracts him from his worries at least a little. Just collapsed. Why would Stevie just collapse? If he was choking on something, maybe it was an allergy or some shit? Not that he was aware of Stevie having any. Then again, it was usually Becka, who prepared the meals for both of them, who knew this kind of shit. 

His fingers drum against the steering wheel impatiently. Fuck, fuck, fuck. If only he had his bike here, he'd be able to weave through the traffic without having to wait so damn long. 

It takes him what feels like hours to get even just two blocks further. That's when he sees a couple on a motorbike on the lane to his right. This is his chance. 

He gets out of his car, ignoring the incessant honking that follows him as he makes his way over. Before either of the two notices what's happening, he's pushed them off their bike. 

"Sorry, emergency!", he yells, but he doesn't feel very sorry as he revs up the bike and starts on his journey towards the doctor's address. 

He leaves his car standing there in the middle of traffic. Fuck if he cares, he just needs to make sure that Stevie's okay right now. The police'll be all up his ass over this later anyways, it won't be any issue returning this bike. It's a good bike, he reckons, nice bit of horsepower below him. 

The couple had been some idiot goody two-shoes anyways, respecting the traffic rules to much to weave in between the jammed cars to get to their destination. He definitely deserved it more right now. 

When he finally gets to the doctor, it feels like something out of a nightmare. People are screaming as they're running out of the building. 

"What the fuck is going on?!", he yells at the passers-by, but none of them are willing to answer. He curses once more, running into the building, calling up Becka's number once again. 

Fuck. "Cell phone service not available", his screen reads. Then why the fuck is he paying them a damn fortune for his contract every month?!  

Inside the house it's chaos too. Everyone seems to be trying to get out all at once, making Kidd need to punch his way inside. 

He gets yelled at for this plenty but he's easily able to block off any punches and kicks that come his way in retaliation. None of these people actually know how to fight, unlike him. 

"BECKA?! BECKA!", he screams once he's inside. "BECKA, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"

But he's not sure that she'd be able to hear him over the chaos all around in the first place. He keeps shoving people out of his way as he makes his way to the first floor. Something in his gut tells him that if Becka isn't one of the people running outside - and he hasn't seen her amongst those, at least - then she'll be at the epicenter of whatever the fuck is going on right now. 

She'd be slowed down anyways, having to carry their son. He's sure he would have spotted them if they'd been part of the crowd rushing past him seeing as his tall frame is towering over most of the panicked individuals, but he can't be perfectly sure. 

Most of the people seem to already have cleared out of the first floor when he finally makes his way up there. He tries again. "BECKA?! BABE, ARE YOU HERE?"

He doesn't hear anything in response, but what he can hear is what sounds like the pounding of fists against a wall and muffled sobs. 

He makes his way towards the source of the location, his gut churning with worry. This feels like a damn fever dream and not reality. 

When Kidd gets to the room the noises are coming from, he stops dead in his tracks. There seem to be a half-naked man and child pounding against a door? 

"Oi, what the fuck are you-", Kidd starts up, but stops as they turn around when they hear his voice. 

Their faces are all but covered in ugly green pustules, red around the edges and oozing something that's either blood or pus, he's too disgusted to want to look closely. 

Yet he can't bring himself to actually look away either. They just stand there, staring at him, not replying, not responding in any way and Kidd's pretty sure that this is the eeriest thing he's ever experienced. 

His face falls on the young boy. Must be around Stevie's age, though it's hard to make out any of the boy's features granted there's a giant, welting pustule right above his left eye, covering all of it and even some of his skin below, amidst a face that looks almost burnt in how red and wet the skin looks. 

Kidd's just barely able to keep down the retching motion that his throat wants to make at the sight. He's seen some shit - especially during his time on the streets - but never something quite as disgusting as this. 

"Daaaaa.... ddy?" The boy suddenly says. Kidd freezes in his tracks. The voice sounded so slurred, so wrong, like the words had been forced out with great strength. But he'd recognize that voice anywhere. 

"S-Stevie? Is that..." He can't bring himself to finish the sentence. It can't be. This must be some kind of really fucked up nightmare. It can't be true. 

The boy walks towards him slowly, dragging his feet, one of his arms spasming uncontrollably at his side. Fuck. What the hell kind of disease was this? Where was Becka? 

If only he'd had his fucking phone turned on. He should have been here so much sooner.

And who the fuck was the man whose shirt was torn apart at the front, standing beside this monstrosity that bore Stevie's voice? 

The man still hadn't said anything. He tries to now, but all that comes out is a weird, indecipherable gurgle. Kidd wants to run, run as far as he can and leave this shitshow behind. 

But what if that is in fact Stevie? He can't just leave his baby boy behind. Not when he's clearly suffering from whatever kind of fuck-ass disease this is. 

Kidd crouches down, trying to not appear as disgusted as he feels. "Stevie, baby. Where's mommy?" 

"Daaaaaaaaddy." Again, the creepy, slurred voice. Stevie can talk full sentences, so what the hell is this about? Is the disease affecting his brain in some way. 

"Yes, baby, it's me." He nearly has to throw up as he accidentally breathes in too deeply, the rotten scent filling up his senses and making him dizzy with disgust. 

"Kidd?", a female voice suddenly sounds, slightly muffled. It sounds like it's coming from behind the door that Stevie and the man had been pounding against. 

Kidd feels like he can suddenly breathe a little easier. "Becka? Shit, is that you?"

"Yeah. Be careful. The doctor attacked me." 

"Wait, that fuckass dude is a doctor?", Kidd asks. 

Just then, the man tries to speak again, but it's a weak gurgle once more. Even Kidd's kid can speak better while afflicted by whatever the fuck this is. 

Kidd tries to ignore him, focusing on Stevie. "Baby. We'll take you to the hospital, okay? 's gonna be alright. Please don't be scared." 

But taking his focus off of the man seems to have been a mistake. As Kidd is still crouching down in front of Stevie the man seems to undergo some sort of change, his entire body convulsing seemingly at random where he stands, odd, disturbing noises coming out of him. 

Before Kidd can really react the man's suddenly flung himself at Kidd. Thanks to his well-honed reflexes, Kidd manages to let himself fall backwards to do a roll and get out of the man's reach just in time. "What the fuck is your problem, dude?!", he yells at the apparent doctor. 

But when he sees the doctor's face, a cold shiver runs down his spine. His eyes are turned so far back in his head that only the white can be seen anymore and he's coming for Kidd yet again. Kidd lunges for the stool standing in the middle of the room, needing something to defend himself with so as he won't get in direct touch with the disgusting pustules covering all of the man's face and upper torso. 

When the man lunges for him once again he crashes the stool into him, the flimsy wooden construction breaking apart and leaving Kidd with nothing but its two legs in hand. "Fuck!", he curses once again. 

The man seems momentarily paralyzed but goes for Kidd again immediately after recovering his bearings. 

"I'm gonna hurt you if you don't stop this shit!" Kidd's warning feels redundant at this point, but part of him still wants this shitshow to just stop, for the man to calm down and everything to return to normal. 

Kidd parries the man's uncoordinated yet strong attacks by smashing his two sticks against the man's attacking arms. He doesn't even make any sounds of pain, doesn't seem to react much to what must be brutal bruises forming on his arms, he just unrelentingly tries to attack Kidd further. 

A part of Kidd that isn't focused on the fight right now but on protecting Stevie is devastated that his little boy needs to see this shit, but it can't be helped. 

When the man simply refuses to abate in his attacks, Kidd starts bringing down the stool legs on his head repeatedly, jumping out of the man's reach any time he tries to grab him, desperate not to want to get in touch with whatever this fucking disease is. After countless brutal hits and the man's head actively starting to be deformed, he finally goes down. Kidd's arms are hurting from how much power he had to exert as he stands there panting, a disgusting mix of blood and whatever else was coming out of the man and his pustules on his makeshift weapons. 

He lets them fall to the floor as he then turns to open the door that Becka had been hiding behind. Becka jumps into his arms, holding onto him and sobbing desperately, clearly having been terrified out of her mind. 

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.", she keeps repeating, trembling wildly. 

"Is okay. I've got you.", Kidd reassures her, holding her in his strong yet exhausted arms. "I'll always protect you." 

Becka takes a while to calm down in his arms, but he needs that time nearly as much as she does. This is certainly not how he'd expected a visit at the doctor's with Stevie to go. But if Stevie had the same thing that the doctor had...

He can barely finish that thought as Becka suddenly gasps in pain. 

"Becka?!" Panic floods him within seconds. Becka stares down in horror, looking at her leg, which Stevie had bitten into with all of his might. 

He was so small and yet he seemed to have exerted so much force that he'd not only bitten through the fabric of her trousers, but into the skin underneath as well, drawing blood. 

"OW!", Becka yowls, kicking her leg to try and throw Stevie off in panic, but to no avail, he's latching on like a rabid dog. 

"FUCK; KID!", Kidd yells and grabs Stevie, trying not to get in touch with the disgusting stuff covering his body but unable to avoid it entirely in how much force he needs to exert to drag Stevie off of Becka. Even then he needs to grab his mouth and pry it apart to get Stevie to stop biting into his mother. 

He throws Stevie off, positioning himself in front of Becka in case Stevie tries to go for her again. Why the hell does he need to fight his own kid? What the fuck? 

Becka hisses in pain, trying to inspect her leg. 

Normally Kidd would never speak to his child like this, but he's so angry and overwhelmed that he can't keep his cool. "What the fuck, Stevie? How could you attack Becka!" 

Stevia doesn't seem particularly dazed at having been thrown off, getting back up, his one visible eye rolled back, only the white visible. "Mommyyyyyyy...... hurts....." 

Kidd can't help the tears welling up in his eyes at seeing his son in this condition. He'd hurt him. He'd hurt his beloved Stevie. But he had to defend Becka. What choice did he have in this impossible situation? 

"Becka, are you alright?", he asks over his shoulder, trying to keep an eye on Stevie even as he checks in with her at the same time. 

"Hurts like a damn bitch, but I'll live.", is the quick reply. 

"The fuck do we do?", Kidd asks her. What could they even do? 

"We need to lock him in somewhere and get help. I don't know what's happening to him. I don't know how to help him." 

Kidd can't see Becka's face either, but by the tone of her voice, she's definitely crying too. 

"Fuck.", he curses. "Stevie, do you understand what I'm saying?" 

He pushes Becka backwards a bit behind him as Stevie keeps approaching them again. "Huuuuuuurts....", the little kid groans. 

He doesn't know how to do this. If he grabs Stevie there's a good chance he'll be bitten too. With the doctor from here already on the ground unconscious - or in the worst case, dead - it might be a while before they were able to get help again. He needs to make sure he'll stay as uninjured as possible to take proper care of Becka, who might already struggle to walk with her leg now. 

So he picks up one of the stool legs again, a grim expression on his face. 

Becka nearly chokes on her spit as she sees this. "Kidd. Kidd, oh god, no. You can't hurt him!" 

"He's not going to listen to us right now, babe. I need to protect you." 

"That's our baby!", Becka pleads desperately, grabbing the back of his shirt to shake him. 

"I'll be careful.", Kidd replies gravely, shaking her off. 

Stevie tries to lunge for him but because of Becka's location being right behind him he can't dodge, so he has to block the attack with the stool leg. Part of him crumples and dies at having to hurt his own flesh and blood by beating against his wildly flailing arms and legs like this, but his survival mode lets him focus on the fight at hand first of all. 

Kidd goes on to take the initiative, pushing Stevie back towards the room Becka had previously been in with a flurry of feigned and real attacks. 

Stevie doesn't respond to the feigned attacks at all, not flinching back from them at all as one normally would have based on their reflexes. 

Kidd has already seen enough to know that something's seriously fucking wrong, but that's the nail in the coffin for him. 

He can only push Stevie back into the room by actively hitting him. Normally his little boy had been so weak, never one for being super sporty and preferring to draw and sing when the other kids ran around yelling and having fun, so he has no idea where all of this strength is even coming from. 

He can't bring himself to think about how much he's injuring the poor little child's frail bones, how much this will hurt Stevie when he's back to normal. 

Finally, he manages to slam the door shut right in front of Stevie's face, turning the keys over quickly. 

He hadn't even really noticed it during the fight itself, but now he realizes that tears are streaming down his face, actively blurring his vision. 

Kidd turns back around to Becka, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible, but she backs away hobbling from him when he gets closer. "You monster! How could you attack our little boy! You filthy, filthy pig! You bastard!" 

She keeps screaming, hurling insult after insult at him. 

Kidd just stands there and takes it. It hurts him deeply to see his wife saying such hurtful things to him, but he can't blame her. God if he doesn't hate himself for doing what he's done just now as well. 

"Becks...", he starts up but is quickly shut up by her screaming at him again. 

He can tell that she's starting to work herself into a state of hysteria so eventually he can't take it any longer, walks up and wraps his arms around her in a hug, even as she starts pounding her fists against his chest, still screaming at him for being such a horrible monster. 

She continues for quite some minutes before finally calming down, her screaming quieting down into miserable sobs. 

"I'll always protect you.", he mumbles into her hair, breathing in the scent desperately to try and calm himself, to find some semblance of normaly in this fucked up situation. 

He hadn't wanted any of this. He hadn't wanted his promise of protection to turn against the very product of their love, their only child. 

He surpresses his sobs, only allowing his tears to stream down freely as he holds Becka with all of his remaining strength. She needs him right now, more than she's ever needed him before, more than she ever would have needed him in a normal life without this kind of fucked up situation. 

I was crying on the bus ride home and then when I got home I went to take a shit and afterwards. Then I started crying again but I couldn’t because my grandma is off work for once so I just silently cried as she was just doing her own thing.

The amount of hugs from Steven I need from is unbelievable