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People Suck - Blog Posts
That feeling when you're surrounded by people you're not sure actually like you and you say something random and basic and they get like obsessed and start kinda laughing like you missed a joke but they're still being nice so you really can't tell if they're being nice or not...
we’re talking about polyamoury and everybody is making fun of it i wanna die
Unpopular Opinion
But like not everyone needs to be told that this song they like is about sex or murder or anything else that would ruin their view of the song, can we not do that. Like why does everyone have to analyze every lyric, why can't they just be allowed to enjoy a song. Sincerely, someone who had to help a panicking friend pick a new daddy daughter song for her wedding in two days because she's had a song picked for years, and a funny dance routine planned out before a bridesmaid told her she was weird for choosing a sex song to dance with her dad too.
Don't be a musical elitist Asshole!
Words
I dont have the words,
I never have.
I dont have the words of leaders,
I dont have the kind of words that hold power.
I dont have the words to tell people that fighting is useless.
War is futile but my words are pointless.
I dont have the words to teach man that war and violence does nothing.
I dont have the words to show them the horrors and destruction they cause
When they could just sit down and talk because
They have the words.
And even if I were given a platform,
To yell,
And scream;
These cowards would still go to war.
And I’d make a fool of myself because
I dont have the words.
Even if you were to extract the idea from my brain:
There’d never be enough words that can be formulated from any lexicon to even begin to understand the sentiment because:
I dont have the words.
I dont have the words to show my outrage at people’s disregard of their planet.
I dont have the words to scold the past generations for making us clean up their mess.
I dont have the words to show what their greed and negligence  has done to their home.
I don’t have the words to show people how they are condemning their children with their oversight of their planet.
Even if there was a live stream, where I could rant and cry at the world;
They’d still destroy their only home with overwhelming apathy.
And I’d make a fool of myself because
I dont have the words.
It frustrates me every day that 
I dont have the words.
I don’t have the words to show people how little their leaders care about them.
I don’t have the words to teach people how badly the bigotry can affect people. 
I don’t have the words to persuade people to be even just a little nicer. I don’t have the words to teach people why “all lives matter” inherently negates “black lives matter”.
I don’t have the words to explain why Cis and Straight people don’t get a pride flag. 
I don’t have the words to stop people is prejudices.
I don’t have the words to educate people on the differences between Islam, and though the terrorists who pervert it.
I don’t have the words to show the world the vile things are refugees and immigrants have go through just to be ridiculed by the country they’ve escaped to.
I don’t have the words to teach people why women say, “kill all men”.
I don’t have the words to convince people that anyone other than native cis white straight men should have rights. 
Even in a meeting with anyone who have the slightest shred of influence,
I could scream,
I could rant,
I could yell,
I could cry,
I could shout,
I could break down.
But they still oppress people for things they can’t control.
and I’d make a fool of myself because
I don’t have the words.
I’d scream from the rooftops,
but I don’t have the words.
If I did, I tell you every day how beautiful you are:
I tell you the sunsets are jealous of your smile.
I tell you that God’s favourite Angel is envious because you were chiselled out of the purest Alexandrite.
Id tell you Apollo’s harp is nowhere near to the sound of your laugh.
Id tell you you look like a Taylor Swift song.
Every day i try to go and tell you how pretty you are.
But you’re standing there with,
All your friends and,
All the fourteen eyes on me because I’m interrupting the conversation for…what exactly?
To stammer and stutter and make an absolute fool of myself in front of them because,
I just don’t have the words.
You’d think if you looked at what I’ve done,
“Now that’s a man who has the words”
But my brain is just a big bowl of twisted scribbles,
Rolled up into one big knot,
And whenever I try and find the words to speak,
They just tumble out in to a vomit of turmoil.
And when I try and tell you, even though I want to be more, that I just want to be friends;
the words just jumble up and travelling an endless loop from my mouth to my brain to my stomach to my mouth because
I just don’t have the words.
Yesterday you said that was the funniest thing I’d said,
And he told me, “those words were yours, you have the words”
But I fumble and care and overthink, and I can’t pick the right words.
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if I make you think worse of me?
What if I offend someone?
I wish I could speak some
I wish I could find the words or the courage 
I wish there was a VR world where I could practice saying it so I can get it right.
And I wouldn’t make a fool of myself because
I’d have the words.
I know I don’t have the words to stop wars.
I know I don’t have the words to fix climate change.
I know I definitely don’t have the words to save people from bigotry. But maybe one day,
I can have the words to tell you how I feel about you.
- A.F.A.Makar

i hate feeling invisible when I'm surrounded by people
it's like i'm not even there, everything I say is ignored
no one notices when i'm trying to talk to them
i wish i actually was invisible at this point
Ooooookay.
So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.
So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.
Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.
So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.
But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.
And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.
Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am
I put SO much into people just to be disappointed
… At this point I need drugs rn before I slit my throat open
Getting rating bombed on your Audio Fiction podcast for being a guest on another show by a single person over many different accounts is WILD. And so very immature. I just started my show a few months ago and already see in the sparse data I have how much it has impacted growth and discoverability. Kill em with kindness and move on I guess?
I have an update on this. After I posted this, this person had an absolute meltdown, got progressively more unhinged with insults etc. Called me a "choppy beluga" more than once. I looked at their profile and its a grown-ass man with kids.
Finally just told him I hope he gets the help he needs and blocked him but holy crap.
I'm furious right now. Not even going to blur this moron's name to protect their identity. msallycat88 is me, btw.
Here's the direct link to the Instagram post if anyone has something to say.
I'm furious right now. Not even going to blur this moron's name to protect their identity. msallycat88 is me, btw.
Here's the direct link to the Instagram post if anyone has something to say.
Followup to yesterday's rant about Facebook. Some moron literally just said to me, that its "kind of annoying" that Pedro is in so many big franchises that all have sequels (TLOU, F4, Mando etc).
God forbid he have a flourishing career so he can have money to pay his bills, buy food, and...gosh I don't know....survive?
And then he doubled down and was like "I don't want to see him as Joel and Reed and the Mandalorian thats like having just one guy as batman and superman."
So...don't watch the movies then? Its....not that hard...to just not....fuuuuuck people are dumb.
Why is it that the responsibility of communication always falls into me. Like you don't have anything to say until I text you, you don't want to tell me anything about that new promotion or partner until I want to call you up for comfort from a friend, you don't have anything to tell me until I reach out. Then like if we see each other in public it's always " You haven't called in a minute, is everything okay with you" or " We haven't talked in a bit" or "You should call more", if you truly wanted to talk then why don't you call? Why is it when I am mad or when I cry (which I don't do often) is it you want to tell me about all the good things happening to you while I just want to rant to you, or you want to complain about the fucking barista making your drink wrong?!?! Why does my life have to be put on hold for others or you have to compare you or your partner working a bit more to buy a fucking house together to my fucking fiance proposing then cheating! Or the fact that your mom/dad forgot to show up to your game ONE FUCKING TIME to my parents never showing to support me only to talk down about how shit I am to my parents not having one fucking photo of me or an achievement of mine but has my siblings finger paintings from kinder, to my parents not going to both of my graduations from high school and college! Like I want to complain that I couldn't do what I loved because I got shitty ass knees that affect my hips and lower back, I don't want to listen to you compare it to you breaking your leg when you were seven! Then they all get mad when I say anything like what the fuck am I suppose to do, not tell you how shit you treat me? Let you walk all over me?! I call you once in a while to talk to you about you but when I call once in a pink fucking moon to talk about me, I'm the bitch for not wanting you to compare yourself to me when it doesn't relate. I like when people try to relate by telling their problems that actually relate to what I am going through, not you saying dumb shit like "oh when I was 12 I moved and lost my friends but it only took a minute to get new ones" to my "I feel like I am being abandoned by my loved ones that I keep trying to please, did I do something wrong, am I upsetting others?". Like no you not seeing your partner a lot because you are putting in extra hours at work to afford a home together does not compare to me being scared to leave my cheating partner because I will have no where to go. Yes that is a problem and something we could talk about when I am not on the verge of a panic attack because of my problem. Then when say all of this people are like you are the problem, you are the reason people don't reach out to you. Like how am I at fault!!!???