Bpd - Blog Posts

Honestly, I don't even need to to be someone's first thought. I don't even need to be the second thought, I just need someone t o think of me.

Ending the cycle is so hard. Why did nobody stop it before me?

Woosh , , and new flags [ three !? ] arrive

Cluster A, B, and C flags !!

[ no ID, help appreciated !! - A, B, and C in order ]

I tried thinking of colours that were considered odd, paranoia-related, or eccentric, and that's how we came up with the first flag !! We wanted one slightly bright colour to really represent the word "eccentric" in the definition, and thought that fit best.

For the second flag, we tried thinking of colours more associated with love, hate, egocentrism, nervousness, and sadness !! The burgundy, we mostly thought of NPD, ASPD, and BPD for. The yellow, Histrionic. I feel like the blue comes from all of the PDs in this category , , considering lack of attention, insults, or slight things we deem wrong tends to make us sad or angry , , or things similar.

For the third flag, we thought of anxiety, obsession, anger, loneliness, and irrationality. I came up with yellow, green, and blue. The colours aren't for particular disorders in the group, but if I had to describe it, I'd say the blue fits AVPD, the yellow fits DPD, and the green fits OCD.

The white for all of them represents the ability to grow, the hope we could have, the love that is very possible no matter the PD.

I hope the flags aren't too complex '^^ , ,

To simplify them, the very bottom and top band could be removed, along with the white if wanted.

tagging for , , yeah @mogai-sunflowers - @kirby-in-wonderland - @hypnosiacon - @cupidcoining (it won't let me tag for some reason 😭😭.) I tried tagging those who might be interested or I know have PDs , , reblogging to tag others who you'd think would like it is appreciated !!

// CW Vent art //

I had a bad episode.

Collaborative sketches from us on how bpd feels.

Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing  Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?

I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything.  Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.

I fucked around and my bpd ass caught feelings and now I think I have a new FP. Welp.

me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway. 

me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.  

Wow my bpd is acting up fiercely this morning. It’s so...annoying.  The paranoia...it’s sickeningly overwhelming Like I see you’re online, you’ve been online for a while, you haven’t even looked at my message.  Did I upset you? Did I do something wrong? Do you secretly hate me? Are you... leaving me...?? Who is stealing you away from me? Is it them? God it gives me such anxiety in the deepest pits of my stomach. Its such a feeling that screams “You need to be perfect! You’re not perfect! BE BETTER BE BETTER! HE’S GOING TO LEAVE YOU”  I need to be perfect or he’ll leave me for someone better. I’ll be replaced in an instant if I slack.  It makes my skin crawl... I just want to cry so fucking bad. I want to break down. I want you to hold me so tight and close, and tell me you’re not going anywhere, ever. Never ever.

Please don’t leave me, I love you. I really do.

Little Intro

Hi, My call me Dee! I'm a 23-year-old NonBinary[Neutrois] Spoonie. Over the past few years, I've gotten a few official DX’s after suffering for years since I was really young. Its been hard trying to come to terms with things and accepting my mind and body for what they are and the illnesses I do have. It's taken this long to stop fighting myself and consider extensive therapy and medicine. I tried when I was younger but being a mentally Ill and hurting kid I didn’t want to accept certain things. Especially when society makes things like mental illness so taboo. But I’m 23 now and I realize I went through nothing a child should ever have to, and yes I survived but at the cost of my mental and physical well being. Coming to terms with that, and that I can't and will never be fully able-bodied is hard. I'm hoping that eventually, I learn to accept and love myself the way I am and stop comparing myself to others. A bit about my conditions:

Mental:

•C-PTSD

•Anxiety/Panic Disorder [Severe]

•BPD

•Bipolar

•Depression [Severe]

•Dissociative Disorder

•DPDR

•OCD

•Paranoid Personality Disorder

•Maladaptive Daydreaming. [not sure if this counts much.]

| I also think I have OSDD-1b but I'm too scared to tell my new Doctor just yet.

Physical:

•IBS-D

•Fibromyalgia

•PCOS

•Psoriasis

•Terrible sinus/ear issues that we don't know what it's from yet.

•Eating Disorders. [A and B, as well as BED]  •Sluggish Gallbladder

Medications:

Going to start Vistaril soon for my anxiety. Hope it helps. If anyone is on it too let me know how it helps for you.

Tldr; I'm using this blog as a way to help vent and come to terms with things about my mental and physical health. The past few years have hit me so hard. A lot of trauma memories resurfacing because of trying to recover from abuse and a bad childhood. The stress of this flaring up my body and a lot of invalidation from my mother and family. I just want to at least make a small place for myself where I can feel that I somewhat belong, even a tiny bit.

So..Lets see where this goes. :)

bpd is my psychic ability

"tu problema mental no es excusa para tratar a todos horrible."

"no podía con tanto, me hacía mal."

"matate de una vez así todo esto se termina."

"te mereces todo lo que te pasa."

"no tenés idea de lo que es la ansiedad."

"¿de qué estás cansada si no haces nada?"

"ponele onda a las cosas, vos no ayudas."

"estabas bien ayer ¿ahora qué pasó? no entiendo."

"estás mejor ahora, ya se te pasó."

"estabas linda cuando hiciste dieta."

"si realmente se lastima aunque no quiera ¿por qué no lo hizo en el brazo donde tiene el tatuaje?"

"me vas a terminar matando a mi."

"es muy fea, no la puedo ni ver."

"sos demasiado egoísta."

"no estás mal, solo querés llamar la atención."

"no sabes lo que es estar mal, sos muy joven."

"no, no te queremos con nosotras. andate."

"deja de ponerte mal, podes transmitirle eso a tu perro y se puede morir."

"ayuda un poco, deja de estar tirada, no haces nada."

"¿por qué nos haces esto? ¿no ves que estás matando a tu mamá?"

"nos estás enfermando."

"no tiene sentido que estés mal."

"me voy a ir de esta casa, ya no aguanto más. no se por qué te tuve."

estoy demasiado cansada de todo. física y mentalmente. mi cabeza no para ni un segundo y lo único que quiero hacer es dormir para siempre. estaba estable pero eso fue una mentira, lo disfruté mientras duró, quizás no tanto pero al menos fue algo extraño y lindo. ahora caer en la realidad de nuevo es peor. la gente piensa que soy un amor, hasta que me conocen. estoy harta, no quiero que nadie me conozca. las únicas personas que me conocen se fueron y es lo mejor que podrían haber hecho pero tengo un vacío tan grande que es imposible de llenar. solo hablo con gente de interntet, que también me dice mierdas y me hace sentir mal pero si no hablo con gente de ahí no hablo con nadie. estoy sola, estoy muy sola. ya no aguanto más estar en mi casa pero no puedo salir. si no lo hago ahora no lo voy a hacer después. se que falta poco para que caiga y se que esta vez va a ser diferente porque quiero rendirme, quiero dejarme ir.

perdón ma pero es lo mejor para todos. solo soy una carga, una persona tóxica que solo lastima a los demás. no sirvo para nada. siempre supe cual va a ser mi final, creo que es obvio aunque no tengo ganas de hacerlo por ahora pero no sé. ya no aguanto ma, perdón por romperte el corazón pero no tengo cura dios, no ves que solo soy un peso? una enferma? lo único que hago es arruinar vidas, por eso todos se van y por eso no quiero hablar con nadie, por eso me aislo. es lo mejor para todos. se que no lo vas a entender ma pero sos lo único que tengo, si no fuera por vos yo no estaría hace rato

me doy miedo, no puedo mirarme ni al espejo del asco que me da. no me puedo levantar de la cama ni para bañarme aunque este más aquerosa de lo normal y la verdad es que no me importa. no me importa nada. solo lo hace todo peor, todo grita que me vaya de una vez. no hay nada que me haga querer quedarme más que vos ma, solo vos. y lo peor es que te arruino por completo, te enfermas por mi y no podes estar tranquila porque no podes dejarme ni ir al baño sola por miedo a que pase algo. dios mio, es mi culpa y solo mía de que tu vida sea un horror. lamento tanto que tengas que lidiar conmigo, se que si estuvieras solo con mi hermano todo sería mejor. los escucho siempre reír mientras yo estoy tirada en la cama mirando a la nada.

necesito que me dejes ir de una vez por todas por favor, no puedo más. no se lo que es vivir, solo existo. no tengo recuerdos felices, no sé qué es eso y se que nunca lo voy a saber. no importa cuanto tratamientos tenga, nada va a servir. es solo una ilusión que dura unas pocas semanas, ustedes se la creen y piensan que ya pasó pero no es así. y se que nunca lo van a aceptar pero no tengo solución, soy así.

just

let

me

go

please

It's actually so comforting to have classmates with mental illnesses or issues. Like, yeah, I'm not alone in this shit!

therapists saying you're surprisingly self aware is like being called a pleasure to have in class for adults

I love 'bad' mentally ill people

I love people who struggle with violent thoughts and urges

I love people with no empathy, who can't 'make up' for it in compassion

I love people who's dissociation makes them flakey and distant

I love people who's mood swings get in the way of making friends

I love people with anger issues, and psychosis, and hypersexuality, and everyone who's ever been seen as 'scary' for their diagnosis or symptoms

People support neurodivergents as long as they're "uwu baby"

People say they support nds one hand but

Call hypersexual people gross and "needing to touch grass"

Hate and bully people with narcissistic personality disorders

Make fun of people with OCD who have irrational compulsions

Would not support a BPD person during their maniac episodes

Call maladaptive daydreamers "weird" and "a soft main character type beat"

and so much more

If you’re someone without a personality disorder trying to defend people with personality disorders, you get told that you’ve been manipulated and brainwashed and can’t be trusted.

If you’re someone with a personality disorder trying to defend yourself, you get told that you’re manipulative and dangerous and can’t be trusted.

There really is no way for us to win.

Some of y'all be like "Oh yeah I support Cluster B" until they:

Have debilitating cognitive problems

Are depressed

Have emotions that aren't aesthetically pleasing

Don't know healthy coping mechanisms

Have a different view of social norms

Struggle with relationships

Do actions that for you are "obviously purposefully evil"

Explain the thought process behind their actions, not excuse them

Have trauma that just by existing doesn't invalidate yours but somehow that thought scares you

It's almost like you don't support Cluster B, hm.

We love people with low and no empathy here!

hey i just wanted to give a shout out to people with personality disorders real quick. your disorder doesn't make you evil, it doesnt make you an abuser, and it doesnt make you unlovable. you're just as deserving of respect, care, and support as people without personality disorders. stay safe, i love you and i hope you have a happy holiday season. we're in this together <3

Homicidal Ideation

homicidal ideation is the term for having active thoughts about murdering others. these thoughts can be intrusive, however they can also often be voluntary.

misconceptions:

‘people who have these thoughts either have killed someone or will kill someone in the future’ - this is false. most people who have these thoughts usually have disordered behaviours (most commonly as a result of personality disorders) and struggle to find healthy ways to cope with their emotions, therefore provocation and stress can easily cause thoughts of inflicting harm onto others. this doesn’t inherently mean these people are dangerous, nor does it mean that they’re going to act upon these thoughts. most people who experience homicidal ideation never act on it and use it more as a way to process their distress/frustration internally.

‘having these thoughts about people in your life means you can’t possibly care for them’ - also false. caring for someone doesn’t make them an exception to mental illness and it doesn’t stop your mental illnesses from existing. to think that someone’s love for you is only valid as long as they’re not displaying traits of mental illness is unfair and is hugely misinformed. to love and be loved by someone who is mentally ill is to accept that they will display symptoms of their mental illness. you are not the exception and they do not love you any less by showing traits of being unwell.

‘so you endorse murder’ - no. that’s not at all what this means and if you seriously think this then your grasp of severe mental health issues is too limited to be commenting on such topics.

‘you’re evil’ - for being unwell? don’t be a cunt. if you seriously think that having a disordered manner of processing emotions internally makes someone ‘evil’ then that sounds more like an issue with you being too sensitive and having a lack of understanding, not an issue with the mentally ill person experiencing these thoughts. don’t make your inability to understand mental illness into someone else’s problem.

as someone who does experience homicidal ideation, it’s also important to not make the mistake of assuming everyone who is mentally ill experiences these thoughts either. i had an anonymous ask earlier today that directly associated the fact i’m mentally unwell with murder and homicidal thoughts, to immediately make this assumption just because someone is mentally ill is disgusting.

Just a reminder that ableism against personality disorders, especially cluster b personality disorder, is alive and well.

Not having empathy doesn’t make someone evil. It doesn’t make them an abuser. In fact, people without empathy are better in certain vital positions. We’re better at being first responders, 911 operators, and other tasks that would overwhelm empaths. We work better in critical situations than empaths do.

Thinking that any disorder makes someone evil is ableist. And when you take into account the sexist bias in diagnosing women with BPD and the racist and classist bias in diagnosing POC and prison inmates with ASPD and NPD? It’s not only ableist, it’s all kinds of -ists. Plus, it’s really rich for someone who claims that empathy is what makes someone good to have so little empathy for people with disorders that are literally trauma-based.

So yeah if you see someone being a dick to people with PDs? Say something. Because they’re definitely not going to listen to us.

‘how do you expect people who have been abused by someone with NPD to refer to their abuse then?’

by calling it what it is: emotional abuse.

it’s not difficult.

slapping the word ‘narcissistic’ on the front of abuse is blindly assigning blame and associating the abusive behaviours with NPD, despite the fact that nowhere in the criteria does it state any abusive behaviours as a symptom.

i understand that people who are severely mentally unwell are more prone to abusing others, however to point the blame at a disorder (and therefore at everyone with the disorder) is ableist, irresponsible and grossly misinformed.

to put it into perspective as to how bad the stigma surrounding NPD is, i have been diagnosed with NPD and have been told i should be killed because of it, that i will inevitably abuse my partners i have had, i’ve had partners in the past be harassed by people saying that it’s ‘just a matter of time’ before i abuse them without any of these people ever even knowing me. i see endless amounts of things online calling all narcissists evil, as well as having my own experiences with abuse disregarded because they do not believe someone with NPD could be anything other than a perpetrator, despite the fact NPD is induced by trauma. the list goes on.

your choice of wording does matter and it does damage people with NPD.

Reblog/interact if your blog is a safe space for all people struggling with their Cluster A, B, and C personality disorder regardless of whether they are high or low-functioning in their disorder.

sonic sez

the biggest betrayal. bffr

It's very common for people to push those with demonised personality disorders to the end of their tether via manipulation, bullying, abuse, etc. and then get upset with them when they inevitably snap.

It happens a lot within the neurodivergent community, too! People spread lies about us, do things that purposely upset/trigger us and then when we start to get upset/stand up for ourselves/etc. it's "sEE??? we were right about them all along!!!!"

“Go to therapy” Are you gonna pay?

Not a day passes by without me being mad as shit that ableism against demonized mental illnesses is normalised.

We are not criminals. We are not dangerous. We do not owe neurotypicals a complete explanation on why we developed our disorders and why we aren't serial killers that kidnap people.

Fuck hollywood, fuck ableist criminology and fuck saneism.