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Disabled - Blog Posts
long kinda vent ahead hooray. it's kinda system-flavored this time. tastes like lemon. 🍋
sometimes it's really hard being a system, especially one that is so, like, hyper-aware of everything i have. every disorder, every disability. thing is, i can't do anything to fix myself!!
i've literally told my own mother about separate identity states and the memory loss and whatnot. she said to my therapist that i "was right about the dissociative thing," even if we were only diagnosed so far with unspecified dissociative disorder. the dmdd diagnosis typically leads to an adulthood diagnosis of bipolar, which i'm actually scared about. i fit much more into borderline, just like my mom.
ugh, i don't know. i don't even know what i'll be diagnosed with, come adulthood. i mean system-wise. we're a trauma-endo system (which some fuckheads will already think is enough to not warrant a diagnosis, thanks for that) that doesn't switch from the main host a lot. we have good communication when i can switch out from the front, but we don't have complete memory loss. if anything, it's more like emotional amnesia and the memories are kinda gone too, but they can come back at a later date.
for example, our medic fictive had to call the cops (they didn't even do anything either, but it was our mom's last resort) one night at 2 am last year. i don't remember it well, but i remember it happened. he was terrified that night and he couldn't switch out.
but what the fuck could we even be diagnosed with? i want a diagnosis. i want to figure out exactly what is going on with my brain. most of my parts aren't exactly same-y. they're different people, at least most of them are. sure, we have to mask a little bit, but they think and act a little different than me. we have the memory loss, but i've always had a horrid memory, even before our late syscovery in january of 2021. but i sometimes feel like it's not "bad enough" to warrant a full-on did diagnosis.
it just confuses me. a lot of the times before, my mom would see me looking up disorders and go "oh, shi's just looking hirself up again." but i'm just that aware of what's wrong with me. people either see me and disregard my research, or i just don't know how to help myself. those are the 2 results. yes, i have a therapist. yes, i open up to her and she makes me feel safe, much more than any other therapist i've had in the past.
i just don't know how to help myself. to help us. i want to live in functional multiplicity, mostly because i get so tired and i get so lonely. i don't want these people to be gone at all. if anything, they give me someone to talk to, even if our headspace isn't permanent and we don't remember our own conversations, even if we jot them down. my memory absolutely sucks. i can't remember faces, names, or even voices sometimes. i can't remember people.
basically, i love and yet hate being disabled by anything my mind and body throws at me. i like the community, i like learning about myself. i hate the symptoms, i hate the confusion and the doctors not being able to do their fucking job. ahem, looking at you doctors who only tested me for SLEEP APNEA, which i definitely do not have. now they want to test me for narcolepsy... which i probably don't have, either.
sometimes i wish what it was like to be of sound mind and body, even if it was for just one singular day.
i made a reddit post asking if i could use a cane without getting 'called out' for it (post stemmed from an argument with mom the night before, abt how basically she got mad and suddenly went on a tangent abt how were lazy and dont need a cane when it would likely assist with some possible disabilities) and i guess people downvoted our post? and i thought we would get support or something but people have been mostly questioning it since we are very unsure ourselves and it just feels like we shouldnt have made that post at all. only one person has been like 'if you need a cane, use it, no matter what someone else says' which is nice but the others have been questioning at best. and we didnt un-upvote our own stuff so we can tell others downvoted it. what the fuck even is reddit
like in our post i said it would help with possible cfs and pots, as well as breathing problems caused by excess exertion, flat-footed walking, and balance issues. i thought it would be obvious that i meant it wouldnt stop any of those but it would provide assistance but... i guess not? i thought it was obvious that a cane meant i could lean on it or something to provide just a little bit of relief for our feet and body but i guess it isnt obvious to the disability reddit. idk. like ik it wont stop any of those, but;
1. for fatigue and exertion-caused asthmatic issues it would provide me with a little bit of a rest spot since it isnt just my body doing all of the hard work
2. for the almost fainting of possible pots, a cane would let me lean on something without having the total possibility of falling, ive almost fell before because i havent had anything to lean on
3. with balance issues, same thing. it would probably allow me to trip over my own feet less. because 1, you have to be thoughtful abt walking with a cane. i know that damn well, and also it might let me hold on so i dont fall flat on my ass
4. and with my feet, it would relieve a bit of pressure i have on my feet when walking for long distances.
idk i guess reddit hates me (joking)
Question for other cane/mobility aid users: Do you use your cane/mobility aid around your home? I’ve been meaning to actually use my cane while walking around my house but I feel. Bad? About it and want to know if other people do it :D
it's becoming very apparent that i cannot live according to someone else's schedule
hey who the hell didn't tell me that having a panic attack makes you feel like you're physically going to die
for someone who doesn't give a fuck, i sure do give a lot of fucks
Guys i don't even know what to do, i am so stuck and every move i can make is wrong. My job gives me money and something stable for rental applications, because i want to move out of my parent's house so so badly and have been trying for so long. At the same time it is actively breaking me down mentally and physically, and i would prefer to leave my job alive. But i can't quit without having something lined up after, and i really can't keep changing jobs just to have to quit after a few months. I know that I'm gonna have to figure out some way to sustain myself on my own and that is bloody terrifying. And that also means that i can't move out, which would also affect my friends, but i really need to get out of my parent's place god help me
I'm having debilitating and/or concerning symptoms that are being added/changed on a near daily basis. Something is very wrong but the only thing i can do is wait for my next test. What if that one comes back normal too? What if i get fired for being too unreliable? What if it kills me? I'm so fucking anxious and there's literally nothing i can do
People: omg are you sick? What's wrong?
Me, who was trying and failing to hide it: i mean im not the best atm but why do you ask?
Literally me:
I'm in a bit of a pickle.. i need a mobility aid so that i can stay at my job without my disabilities interfering as much, but i can't use a mobility aid bc my work isn't accessible so either way i guess i can't work there..
istg my body is trying to get me to quit my job no matter what it takes
*takes adhd meds* oh nice I actually experience hunger now, yay for having several warnings before entering the hunger danger zone
*hungry constantly* ok well you didn't need to do all that
Me, a disabled person: *trying and failing at 4 jobs* sooooo how do y'all get started on getting yourself out there and getting art commissions-
I keep forgetting that the body and brain that I have are actually Severely Fucked and Debilitating, and that most other people don't have to deal with any of that
I always have to make sure I fit the standard of the people that have it on easy mode, no fucking wonder I'm so exhausted
How to release pent up emotions without feeling them no glue no borax
I wonder if I'll ever get to the bottom of all the fuckin things wrong with me
You know, sometimes I struggle to call myself disabled. And it’s not because I think the word “disabled” is inherently negative or demeaning. (I’ve long since grown out of that mindset.)
Really, half the time I feel like, “well, I can still hold my own in hearing spaces! I don’t even use aids! I don’t have it that bad. I’m not disabled enough.”
But even so, if I’m not focusing hard on the person speaking to me, I probably wont be able to understand them.
If a room has background noise, or if someone is standing on my left side, hearing them will basically be impossible.
If people aren’t right in front of me they really have to project or else I won’t be able to understand a word they say.
It takes so much energy every day to make sure I’m hearing and understanding everything around me.
I am disabled.
Yet general society has pushed the narrative that disabled people cannot function ever. To truly count as disabled, you must always be cared for. You must always be in a wheelchair. You must always have aids. If your struggle isn’t immediately obvious, are you really disabled?
And that’s bullshit to me. Because all it leads to is being infantilized, looked down upon, and scrutinized endlessly. It’s especially bad for those who are neurodivergent or otherwise mentally disabled.
We shouldn’t have to live like that. We shouldn’t have to justify and prove our suffering to everyone we meet so we can get the accommodations we need. We shouldn’t have to be looked down upon for being disabled.
One of the cool things about learning about disabilities is that I'm finding words I didn't have to describe things I didn't know were abnormal.
One of the worst things about learning about disabilities is that I am constantly going "oh! I could use that, lol, that would help me a lot! ... I'm stealing from real disabled people(by imagining using a mobility aid) and also why is everything designed to be so hard for people who need canes???"
A guide to designing wheelchair using characters!
I hope this helps anyone who's trying to design their oc using a wheelchair, it's not a complete guide but I tried my best! deffo do more research if you're writing them as a character
severely disabled intersex trans person needs help saving up for rent
hello there, i am a severely disabled intersex trans person who deals with crohn's disease, arthritis, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, schizophrenia, and other health problems. i have been getting sicker and sicker due to my crohn's disease, it has been very difficult if not impossible to eat most days. i'm struggling with unintended weight loss, nausea, vomiting, diahrrea, constipation, severe pain in my intestines and stomach, and other GI issues daily, which make it very difficult to function. i'm also dealing with severe fatigue due to this- a lot of my days i end up sleeping all day, and i've been bed bound for a few months now. i cannot work a traditional job due to these issues, so i have an online shop where i make ends meet.
$0/$211
my apartment complex did their yearly rent increase, so my rent is a little higher than it was before. if you're interested in helping, you can do so in the following ways:
pay pal: glittergraphicnightmare @ gmail. com cash app: $glitterGraphix venmo: $Equinoxian chime: $Equinoxian
thank you to everyone who reads, shares and supports, the help means the world to us. take care of yourselves
I debated whether or not I should make this post, but decided that I have to, because there are so many people, especially in America who do not know this. And it is SO important. So please take 5 minutes of your time and read this.
Let me explain to you why Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s statements about autism are extremely dangerous and should deeply concern you (not only if you are autistic)
For that you need to understand a bit about the history of autism, so you can see the parallels to what is happening now.
The whole "high functioning autism" thing exists for a reason. Not the one you think though. You have probably heard that "high functioning autism" was called Aspergers Syndrome before. This concept was created during the 1930s and 1940s in Austria (although it was not called Aspergers syndrome back then). There is a lot more to this, but for the purpose of this post I will keep it short.
The nazis saw every disabled or mentally ill person, including children as unworthy to live. The main purpose of the Asperger Syndrome was to separate the children into two groups. The ones they could use for their causes, indoctrinate with the nazi values and force to work. And those we would call people with high support needs today, the group they deemed as not worth to even be alive. (This does not mean that "high functioning autistic people were not also killed, they were.)
This diagnosis was a death sentence for those children. To be clear, the nazis did not only kill autistic children and adults but also mentally ill and disabled children and adults.
The next thing you have to understand is that a shocking amount of people knew about this back then and there were parents who willingly and even gladly handed their children to those institutions, knowing they would kill their children, because they themselves saw their own children as worthless, a burden and not valuable to society.
Back to what Robert F. Kennedy said. One of his first statements was "They will never be able to pay taxes." (Refering to autistic children, especially targeting those with high support needs) And that tells you everything you need to know. Because that is how he and a concerning amount of people determine the worth of a person. If they work, if they pay taxes, if they consume and contribute to the economy. If not, they are seen as worth less than working people.
Sounds familiar, does it? Because the nazis used the same measurements to determine peoples worth. That is no coincidence.
They always come for the vulnerable first.
They always come for the minorities first.
It is this belief that a certain group of people is worth more or less than others that is so dangerous!
Because many people already see neurodivergent, mentally ill and disabled people as less. Less worthy, less useful, less human. So it's easy for him to go ahead with those statements, because it does not concern the majority of people.
So please educate yourself about the topic, read into what happened in Nazi Germany. Read about how it happened, how everything started! Because if we don't pay attention to this now, it might be too late!
HELL YEAH
DISABILITY PRIDE MONTH!!!!!
This is my first disability pride month with a diagnosis!
"Pride month is over"
WRONG! Your pride month is over! Me and all the other disabled queers are having pride month two: disability edition
Hey! If you want to learn about my journey with having a bleeding disorder you can follow my new blog!/nf
