Latest Posts by borderlinepersonalitydisaster20 - Page 4

Without my mental illness I wouldn't know who I am but, because of my mental illness I have no sense of self. Like the logic is super crazy.

Can’t feel anger without physically punching walls or holding in the intrusive violent urges so much that it makes my arms physically burn and hurt

Can’t look at someone who’s even moderately attractive without desperately falling in love and imagine a whole life together

Can’t feel “happy” or moderately excited without feeling like my chest is about to burst and the only way to get it out is to literally vibrate and yell

Can’t feel sad without spiralling immediately into just wanting to stop existing

Can’t feel nervous without teeth chattering chest burning about to throw up

Or just don’t feel anything at all when (apparently) I am supposed to

bpd culture is wishing you could feel emotions normally

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i dont think i am meant to have love in my life

I want to pULL all MY TEETH OUT

they said that if you’re procrastinating then rest one day and just plan everything out and start working the next day but now I’m procrastinating the planning so what do I do now smack my head into a wall or what.

Im so delulu. I’m stuck feeling like I’m living in a dream of some kind. Like I’m just a stumbling energy of some kind clunking around and into things at times. I literally forget people can see me sometimes.

And other times I feel like a young god.

violent tendencies are starting to get out of hand almost jumped at and choked out a jabroni on the train today for no reason. It physically hurts my head when I don’t act out on my violent thoughts.

craving validation from exactly the wrong person. slay

might be a bit sensitive but it annoys the shit out of me when people throw the word anxiety around and don’t really mean it. Like when something annoys them and they say “it gives me anxiety”. No. Because you are not having anxiety okay having anxiety is when after you make any and every decision your chest gets tight and you feel sick to your stomach and immediately regret that decision and your head starts going ekekwkfbwijdfhjwdnfnidksjdfjsknddj. it’s like a clamp around your head. It’s not synonymous with disliking something.

where is the off button

a delusion does not mean a person should ever be dismissed, brushed off or disregarded.

delusions are beliefs that are extremely hard to shake regardless of how self aware we are.

a delusional person is not quirky, not rambling nothingness for the sake of attention, they are serious.

from believing youre dead or dying (cotard's) to believing your halucinations were real, these things are terifying for us. theyre real for us.

just because you know its not true doesnt mean we're making it up. we deserve to be heard, listened to and helped just like you and your issues.

delusional is not and should never be nor should it ever have been an insult. its a serious issue. take it seriously.

bpd culture is growing up too soon and staying the child forever

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What can I do with this want.

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath — 3rd January 1959

Get out of my head! Get out!

I don’t know how to explain it but just being alive causes me pain

The world is too loud, existing is overwhelming, people expect so much more than I can give

I fail at being alive every single day

I feel so ashamed to be so broken

But I don’t know how to be any other way

bpd culture is needing everyone to love you constantly

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FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, FUCK EVERYONE, I HATE EVERYTHING. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE OMG

What is the line between being delulu and being actually insane. I write you letters and poetry you’ll never see. I’d set myself on fire to keep you warm. I want you to dig your hands into my shoulder blades and grab my heart and pull me into your chest. Let me slowly bleed out over you.

The way I was so upset and tired and I started to dissociate and drift off and then I got a text message from you and my mood instantly changed. I couldn’t stop smiling and I was bouncing on my feet. And you have no idea. Text me back u rat I need saving again.

Sometimes my anger is too much

The way it feels like the way I imagine it might if you smashed all the glass in your house from screaming and then used those shards to construct new eyes by digging them into the already existing ones.

The same way i imagine it might feel if I pressed nails into every inch of my skin

Like open heart surgery without any anaesthesia

Like constant electrocution

I’d rather any of those than to feel my own anger over the fact that you never text me back.

I don’t know if I’m in love or if I’m mentally sick. All I know is the gaping hole and aching I feel in my chest fucking hurts.

everyday I wonder,

how much longer can I do this ??

and then the next day passes,

and the next, and the next, and the next,

and all of a sudden it’s been three years.

and I am still, just sitting here, wondering,

how much longer can I do this ??

I will be like "I'm fine" and then another fucking event will occur