Depressing Shit - Blog Posts

This drawing is best experienced while listening to this song (its where I got the name from)

i might be exaggerating just a TINY bit but like..........you know..........

I've had this project in mind for like a year now, its extremely personal to me and explores my feelings of isolation that are self inflicted because idk how to make friends

It’s like 1:00 am and I keep having these weird thoughts so I’m just gonna post them here because I feel like if any site is gonna get me it would be this site. I keep having these weird thoughts because I’m super insecure but I’m also super nice so my brain sometimes just puts me in weird, impossible situations. The most common though I have is if I ever met someone who looked exactly like me or if I ever met another me that was the exact same as I am now how would I react. My brain typically does this when I’m being self deprecating and I’m overwhelmed so my first thought is typically that I’m ugly but then my brain starts berating me for being mean to this not real person who looks exactly like me. I then go in circles about this for about an hour until I force myself to sleep or I get distracted by something else.

rotting in bed

today I want to spend the whole day rotting in bed with my melancholy thoughts

The words, the colors, the sun

fail to showcase my heartbreak

when I have yet to accept it as mine

and only mine to grieve.

I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.

Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.

Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.

I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.

Another person to grieve.

Another relationship to remember, woefully.

Low and low, I sink

lo and behold, I crumble.

My core self was quiet because I was told to be. And hence, this. Sigh. So many to blame but a lot to remedy. First, the need of the hour: removing triggers of all my illnesses. Let's get to that, yes.

I fasted all the way untill supper. I drank some tea, slept, and went up to the roof and listened to a podcast by shrouded head and binge watched YouTube. It's not even dinner time yet. It's 6pm and I'll tidy up by 7pm and shower then I'll start on dinner around 8pm. The sky is nice and gloomy this evening and I feel so lonely, dispaired and hopeless... I wonder if ill ever not be lonely someday?

I’m beautiful but I’m broken.

Ich bin eine Art Schmerz, eine Art permanente Wunde, die sich erst schließt, wenn ich aufhöre zu atmen.

I dont see my therapist again until school starts and I've just unlocked a new trauma. I can only talk to one person about it and I'm freaking out. I hate this. I hate life. I'm so uncomfortable and upset and disgusted by everything. I was just starting to like myself.

I dont know what to do anymore. I try so hard and I always end up back here. I'm tired of trying to fight to get out of this. I'm just gonna stay in the dark and hopefully I'll be able to this.

I've been struggling so much. You don't even see it. I've been trying so hard to make things good again but nothing works. I put all of my effort into making us okay that I've started struggling in school. This is the worst I've ever done and I dont know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I'm so damn tired

I feel so alone. I try to talk to you but I dont know how anymore. I ruined things between us and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not even lonely I know I have you but at the same time I'm so alone.

Life has lost meaning. Life has lost purpose. I'm so lost and numb without you. I can't do this anymore.

Had to reset the clock today. It's been a bad week. I want to lay in bed and rot now

Why do people pretend to be your friend? Why talk shit about how I look? Why not just fucking tell me or keep your opinions to yourself? My appearance does not define who I am as a person. It doesn't define my professionalism or anything. Why pretend?

Why cant I just do it? What's wrong with me?

I just want him to love me again.

When eating does anyone else feel like throwing up as soon as the food touches your tongue? Especially when it comes to meat?

I feel like I need them more than they need me. Even if I am that one that ruined everything, I still need them. I crave them. It feels like they could care less. It's what I deserve.

I wish I had the courage to end it all.

How am I supposed to live after I've hurt the person I love the most?

WHEN I CATCH YOU WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!! AAAAUUUHGHHH

...

Everyone: moving to the USA is going to be the best thing to happen to you!!

Me: *one month into living here gets diagnosed with depression*

SHIT SHIT SHIT GUYS

IT CANT END LIKE THIS

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD NEXT EPISODE BETTER HAVE A HELL OF A LOT BECAUSE I CANT-

ALSO IF WE DONT GET SOMETHING WITH FREDRIKA AND STELLA IM PUNCHING SOMEONE