Personal Rant - Blog Posts

Is it just me or is Kinito just a digimon? Of course there’s the Kinito companion and digimon has the digivice which is basically the same thing(except you can fight your digimon). However, I’m think more like how digimon are in the show. He can travel between the real world and digital world, and speaking of HE HAS HIS OWN DIGITAL WORLD! I know it technically your world but it’s still the digital world.

Anyway, what do y’all think their digimon companions would be if they had them? I’m think of making a crossover of Kinito and digimon so I want to hear your thoughts.

Hi are you okay? You just haven’t posted in a while so I just wanted to ask

I wanted to answer both this anon and the others who have sent me messages in the past few weeks.

In the last few months, I've been dealing with a lot of problems, both in school and mentally. I've been having a full on mental breakdown for weeks, and had to find a psychologist to clear things up. This ended up with me being diagnosed with both depression and ADHD (in my country its psychologists who diagnosed neurpdivergences but I know its different in other countries).

Meanwhile my poor mental state led me to almost failing my school year, so after I passed by miracle I decided to just focus on school and family for a bit.

As of now, I'm slowly starting to get my life put back together, but I think I'm going to go on writing hiatus for the very near future.

The fics I had already announced and those who you guys have requested are still in my drafts, and once I'm in a better moment of my life I'll finally finish them and post them, and I'll probably open requests again. But I fear this won't happen anytime soon, at least not until I'm done with my last year of high school.

I'm so sorry for having let down those who were waiting for my fics and for disappearing so suddenly, I honestly have been going online on Tumblr just to text with some friends I have here but i probably should've wrote this post a long time ago.

That being said, I'll start going back online from time to time, mostly to answer your questions and discuss with whoever is interested in discussing the books and series/movies that are in my masterlist.

Once again, thanks to all the people who have stuck around even during my absence, you guys mean the world to me and I hope to pay you back in the future with some more works.

It's crazy how after both playing the Arcana and studying ancient history I can confidently say that Count Lucio is basically the same as Emperor Augustus.

I mean, their lives are so similar it's scary.

Both weren't rightfully meant to become leaders of a kingdom/empire/city, but they got that title thanks to another important figure that owned that power before them and passed it down to them.

They brought peace and promoted their victories and their right to command through art and games (the Latins used to say "panem et circenses" which literally means "bread and circus <games>", indicating that the best way to command with the support of the people was through food and fun times, which for both Vesuvia and Rome meant gladiators and Arenas).

Nobody talks about this but Augustus KILLED HIS HALF BROTHER, he threw Caesar and Cleopatra's child down a goddamn window to secure his right to the throne- and he's still remembered as a hero and the one that brought peace to the people of Rome!!!!

Also let's not mention that he wanted to promote the traditional family values yet he got married three times and left one of his wives with a message right after she had his baby. Like, baby popped out, message arrives: "yo we're divorced now".

Like, is Count Lucio that bad compared to THIS?

I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING

(this is a rant of mine that CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR ASRA'S ROUTE IN THE ARCANA, so read at your own risk)

So, Asra right? My first love interest in the game, the person that basically built my ideal type,.. him.

It is common knowledge in this fandom that his love for the MC is completely unending end unconditional, right?

Well, I might disagree.

This idea came to my mind a few days ago, and from then on I spent my days contemplating life in despair and depression at my realization.

Asra's love IS FUCKED UP and I think it is more of an addiction to the MC rather than pure, unconditional love.

Let me elaborate: first he loses his parents, then he finds Muriel but he still lives in fear of losing him every time he had to fight in the Arena, then he had you, who for about 6 years had stayed by his side, with no signs of leaving anytime soon.

He wanted you all to himself, the only thing that remained stable in his life. That is, until the plague. That's the time where the selfishness of the purpose of his actions really comes to light: he wants everything and everyone to be just as he wants.

I mean, let's face it, no matter how much he might have pleaded and begged you to come with him and leave the city, he still left you there, alone, risking your life,... just so that he could be safe. Screw where you were, he was sure that at the end of it all, you would've still been there, waiting for him.

Because out of all the people in his life, you were the only one that never left

But it all changes when Julian's letter reaches him, and he comes back to Vesuvia. And you're gone.

I really think that his grief was mostly due to the loss of something stable in his life, rather than the lost of the love of his life.

After all, it didn't take long for him to start a relationship with Julian, and I don't care if some might say that it's some sort of coping mechanism, if Asra was able to do it all while still working to get you back, hitting it with Julian knowing that he was gonna have you back soon... that's just fucked up.

Also, his protective tendencies when MC comes back are rather possessive in my opinion: he keeps you like a trophy inside the shop, while he keeps wandering around the world, fulfilling his own selfish desire to visit as much as he can, while still keeping you in your cozy place, inside the castle.

That is also the whole point of the Reversed Ending of his route, that he could consider his own happy ending: he has you, all to himself, forever.

I think that the best side of Asra comes out when you play the other routes, because he has to come to term with his own issues and with the fact that at this point he cannot keep you to himself anymore. And with time he'll come to realize that what he feels for you is more of a spiritual connection, probably thanks to your own aura and magic, rather than a real romantic connection.

That's it, thanks for coming to my ted talk babes

FIRST OF ALL

Thank you all so much for the support, it really means a lot for me cuz I was so worried that my writing wouldn't be liked. BUT, this isn't the reason I'm posting rn.

So as you might know, I'm a history enthusiast, ESPECIALLY about ancient Greek history and mythology. And I've been reconnecting to the PJO fandom a lot lately, and since many people started to take interest in it too after the new series, I thought this was the right time to talk about a thing that never sat right in my head.

Athena's children.

Don't get me wrong, I like how they depicted their birth in the series, but after all I've studied during all these years, all the texts I personally translated from the original Greek inscriptions and all, I still don't think that Athena would ever make kids of their own.

She's a very jealous deity (think about the Arachnis myth and many many others) so why would she give birth to an offspring that would inherit part of her own wit and intellect, knowing there's even the smallest chance that they could surpass her own skills.

She wouldn't really see a point in making kids.

But, and this has happened various times in mythology, she gladly protects other heroes as long as they fight and win in her name.

So, my idea to perfect even more the PJO world, I've been thinking for a long time that Athena's cabin could consist of demigods from various godly parents, maybe some even unclaimed, but all satisfying Athena's standards. Idk if this is just me reaching insanity or if this is actua a good idea, it made sense in my head😭😭

Anyway, that's it, thanks for coming to my Ted talk :3

ALSO quick reminder that requests are still open and won't be closed anytime soon💗💗

okay, I'm feeling angsty lately so here's am idea for all talented writers out there (could maybe be considered spoilers for the aot finale but idk so be careful):

Eren goes mad and wants to destroy everything after his s/o has died by the hands of Marleyans, kinda as if by losing them he lost his last hope in humanity.

idk guys I like suffering during the holidays (kinda like family dinners)

A Message to the people messaging me the same thing.

Can you stop trying to get me into some type of 18+ website with you! I've literally got five random invites to on how "worked up" you guys are for the past few weeks. Please, understand that I am not in this website to get lade, or any type of intimate interaction. I'm just here to look at fun fanart and making some of my own. Enough with the inappropriate messages and leave me be.

“You don’t act like your source!”

shut the hell up I’ll beat your ass

"The incest part of spy x family ruins it" SHUT UP, your wrong, Yuri Briar is a complex character and to put it as a "weird incest thing" is wrong.

First, Yuri has never implied he wanted any sexual relations with his sister, the most he has said is he loves her and wants to marry her, and that isnt weird if you put in the context that Yuri and Yor are both children who suffered from the war. They didnt have parents to take care of them, that burden was put onto Yor as the older sibling. Yuri looks up to her for that and wants to prove to Yor that he can protect them too. Yuri doesnt understand the complexities of love because he was never taught it, he loves his sister and wants to protect her and has gotten his feelings confused for wanting to marry her. "but hes so weird around loid" IN HIS CHILDHOOD IT WAS ONLY HIM AND HIS SISTER HE IS GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE TRUSTING OTHERS.

They grew up in a war, A WAR. Thats going to have a mental toll on your character, Yuri has taken this by wanting to protect who he loves. Yuri doesnt have anyone outside of Yor he is going to be confused on what his love means.

Loid has mentioned how he is jealous of Yors and Yuris relationship because its so close, and they have eachother to rely on, something Loid didnt get as a child. Loid doesnt see Yuri as a threat to him and Yor.

You can see how he grows through the story and accepts that Yor has found another person to trust and rely on and he doesnt have to carry that burden alone. He has slowly been letting go and giving Loid a chance to be there for Yor and Loid has proven he can and will be there for her, and yuri is grateful and even takes up tutoring Anya, it doesnt work out but he still tries to be supportive to his sister.

In conclusion Yuri briar did not ruin the plot of spy x family with a weird incest trope, if you look at the dialoge and think deeper in on the story, you can observe Yuris growth as a person.

apologies if this doesnt make sense i just hate people who missread the story of Yuris character

That casual moment of realizing you’re an otherkin and the kintypes have weird overlaps and/or conflicting feelings.

Enderman kin - supposed to hate water

Seafolk kin - I love water

Dragon kin - I want to be in the sky not water

It kills me-

This realization of my kintypes explains a lot:

Endfolk kin:

Hate eye contact, love purple and darkness, I’m tall and lanky already but feel like I need to be TALLER 👹

I like picking things up like an Endfolk too :}

Seafolk kin:

I specifically feel like a leviathan sea folk, I’m a 50 foot long, glowing scales, head fins, large clawed, lots of frills and fins, CHARCOAL SKINNED BEAST, yet a gentle giant!!!

With dragon kin, I kinda already knew (I have a dragon sona)

Green scales, 3 pairs of horns, dark green & purple webbing for my wings, larger than most dragons, tall and imposing yet also lean and long.

I want to fly, I want to swim, I want to blip through the fabric of reality and leave purple sparkles in my wake.

And all this is also paired with already being a magical and supernatural and mundane entity that’s SOMEHOW BECOME AN ELDRITCH DEITY AND I ACCIDENTALLY IMMORTALIZED MYSELF WITH SHEER SPITE WHEN I WAS 9

*Insert Sad Eldritch blob here*

Gndzgbdfhvdf (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

Emojis to try and describe myself:

Endfolk: ✨💜🖤👁️‍🗨️🪻🌑☮️🔮🪬👾🐦‍⬛🐈‍⬛🍬🪁🎆🧬

Dragon: 🌿🐉🦎🎆🌌🦚🏔️💎🔐🔆💚💜📜

Leviathan Seafolk: 🌑🌊🦈🖤🔊📜🩻🔮🎆🌪️🪷🪸🦚🪼🐋🦭

Eldritch Deity: 💜🌌✖️👁️‍🗨️🕸️🥀🌒🌋🎆🪬🔮🧬🔐🔗📖

OPINION RANT TIME WOO LESGOO CUZ SOME OF YALL ARE FUQED UP IN THJE HEAD

ok so can we talk about the whole 'turning straight ppl gay' thing- like.. huh? if you have a straight char WITH a girlfriend or something and then have ONE guy friend the fandom will go totally crazy and be like

'OMG HES SO GAY THEYVE KNOWN EACHOTHER SINCE CHILDHOOD PLES PAIR THEM UP AND MAKE MY HEADCANON BE TRUE SOFT BOI X EMO!!!'

also do you know whos saying this straight girls for some reason????

?????????????????????

like why tf do u need these two guys to kiss just kiss your own highschool boyfriend that youll break up with in a month ya yaoi-crazed freak

like if you swapped roles with a gay char, boyfriend and one girl friend then ONE person headcanons their straight thats homophobia??

(future me: ITS EVEN FUCKING WORSE WHEN THEY DO IT TO IRL PPL LIKE GIRL- THATS A MARRIED MAN WITH 2 CHILDREN JUST TRYNA ACT OUT A CHARACTER AND NOW U TRYNA DRAW HIS HYPERREALISTIC PP TOUCHIN ANOTHA MANS BOOTYHOLE)

AYIUFEKHAJAAAA istGGGG we need to stop ASSUMING and FORCING peoples sexualities LOUDLY like plz just keep that shit locked up in your mind idc if theyre roomates or not in your highschool fanon fic just keep that stuff away from me -me, a literal and openly queer person to show how weirded out i am by this stuff

also the whole 'race headcanon' shit like dude they were white in the books they were white in the movies why are they latino all the sudden?? i know black lives matter n all but changing a persons race is uhhh yeah

mob mentality is fucked man we all fucked when the twitter (no fuck the name 'x' it sounds like a porn site) trending floodgates open and they find out what next impossible natural human behavior to make 'boyfriend goals' like mf mafia army men that would stalk,kidnap and rape u until you got stockholm syndome (that was literally the plot of a smut fic i read- SOMEBODY WROTE THAT THINKING ITS HOT??)

AIGHT WHO TF PITCHED THE IDEA OF MOON RISING (wings of fire) BUT ITS CATS???

YOU.

if ya running out of ideas for a book, then just end it! yk how many new warriors readers would love to catch up atleast ONCE before a new book comes out??? PROB A MILLION! yk what theres also a million of?? THINGS U COULD DO INSTEAD OF WRITING A NEW BOOK! work on the graphic novels-maybe a coloring book would be fun, WORK ON BETTER MERCH- i mean your figures are ooookay but the PLUSHIES??? cheap asf- mapleshade looks like an evil lint ball. OOH HOW ABOUT A VIDEO GAME THAT FANS HAVE BEEN WANTING FOR YEARS?? OR A SHOW?!- LIKE THE ONE U SHUT DOWN, MADE BY BELOVED AND DEVOTED FANS WHO ARENT BAD LIKE WCUE...WHICH YOU TEAMED UP WITH AND ACTIVLEY PROMOTE.

sorry for rant im just anrg

I crave the feeling of you around me even after everything you did. I think about it daily and I would still go back to you in a heartbeat. I once told you all I wanted was for you to be happy. I professed my love to you for years and you used me for your own benefit. You cheated, lied, and stole years of my life and you still have me wrapped around your little finger. I miss you. I miss us. I miss the feeling I had when we were together. I know at some point you loved me too. You just had a shitty way of showing it. I know it's toxic and if anyone else was in my situation I would smack some sense into them. I wish we had never met. I wish I could have ended it differently but if I didn't do it I would still be with you. We'd probably be married by now. I would have given up seeing my family again for you. I would have given anything for you and you fucked up. I fucked up. It's been years and I'm still finding out new things about when we were together. It makes me sick to think that I would still be with you after all of it. I hate it. I hate myself. I will never be the same because you ruined it. You ruined me. You ruined everything. Then I ruined everything a second time. We did this. We both caused the chaos and we're both going to burn in it.

Therapeutic Rants

Ranting here because a) real therapy is expensive b) we need to stop treating friends as therapists, and c) if I keep this internalized, it might just eat me alive.

Being alone again.

Well, officially, it is over. After two long years of friendship, one year of a relationship, I've lost them. Dare to say that it was a peaceful ending as I continue to sharpen the blades they left and patch the oozing wounds. Dare to say it was hell for even trying to be with them.

I have a savior's complex; I know it well. You see, when I was a child, my parents weren't emotionally stable. I had to learn how to regulate grown adults behaviors to maintain the peace in my house. So, in relationships, I suppose I do/did the same. Keeping the peace only delayed, not prevented, the war.

At first, with my phone now silent, I thought I could ignore the feeling. It's so weird to constantly check for notifications and then remind yourself, "it's over". I suppose this is the right thing to do. To turn off my phone for a couple weeks and take a walk outside. But that would only delay and mask the feelings.

Why did I end that relationship?

Well, I could no longer simply ignore myself in it. When we first met, we connected by stories. They saw a talent that I had hidden away and encouraged me to write. I was finishing a brief story for my English class and decided to send them the draft for them to read. And that sparked our relationship.

They would always ask if I had a new idea ready or if I ever finished my thousands of 'work in process' pieces. Every time I had a story done, I would send it and they would read it almost instantly. Over the time, they told me how much I've improved and I slowly gained myself back. I felt real once again.

We would analyze our favorite parts and character scenes. It was so much fun to connect with someone without weird glances and judgmental comments like in previous relationships. I could be weird with someone!

Fun until one moment.

I was scrolling, as one does, when I came across a drawing of a old ship and accidently fell in love with their story again. So much so, that I had to write my thoughts on them and draft an idea. I was so excited to share and tell the other about all the details I've researched: their connection, they people believed they were together in game, why they made sense, and then filled them to prepare them with my idea, a brief 1,000 word or so story.

So, armed with fan arts and my story, I sent them first some fan arts for the characters and then the draft, excited to see what they would analyze. I already had my favorite parts outlined on my printed out version. I made a little board for the pictures, too.

And then, there was a sudden change in tune. The "shoe dropping" moment.

At first, they claimed that they were busy or had other projects to get done. They have mediocre responses to the fan arts (like saying, "oh, cool" vs "omgg, they are so adorable! Who are they?) They never claimed those excuses before but hey! Different days, different times. It's fine.

But then their true nature reveal itself.

The sudden issue was the fact that the story had two male characters in a relationship. None of my previous ideas/stories had a relationship like that. I was simply expanding on my horizons and trying new things. Mind you, there was no details in the story unlike the stories I could find on A03 (yall are crazy). Heck, I don't even think they kissed! They cuddled or something. But with the fan arts, that was enough for them to pause and stare at me.

But because of their family issues and upbringing, they couldn't bring themselves to read it. At first, I didn't see it as homophobic, I saw it as preferences. Everyone has them! But over time, I realized it wasn't a preference.

I deleted that idea out of "respect" for the other and only sent them stories I knew that they would like, the ones that we've analyzed and talked about before. But there was a change, too, every time I sent a story. It was like they were looking for a gay scene after I reassured them that I didn't include it. Granted, I also began writing those relationships on the side because I just like two characters falling in love with each other. Forgive me.

But that only boiled and boiled until one day that I couldn't take it anymore. No longer did they read my stories with the same joy that they once did. Rejection is a feeling I've felt since a kid. No one likes the weird. It got to a point that I felt I was hiding myself in order to keep a relationship going. Sacrifices are made together not separate.

After first talking about it to them, they assured me that they would try again. They were sorry and explained their family situation which, again, is fine. But we live in a world in which gay people exist. So, simply ignoring or treating them differently doesn't make sense.

So, I sent them one of my other stories to try again out of good faith. And I waited. And waited. Reminded them. And waited.

Until we broke down again. They said that I would hate them if they revealed something. I told them that I wouldn't. They, at first, said they tried. But only reading five pages of a thirty page story in one hour? Really? I know I have my moments, but over an entire month, you couldn't have read more? The opening scenes were just the world they lived it! lmao. I tried to understand why they would say one thing and do the other. I really liked our conversations, but I couldn't ignore that anymore.

So, I called it off.

Still, it hurts because you half way expected them to prove you wrong and half way expected them to prove you right. Regardless, you can't change someone's mind.

Hopefully someone can relate to this. This is fun, you should try this, too.

Best.

Personal Thoughts Pt. 1: I'm afraid to start painting

Just me rambling on my own blog. I want to start painting, but I'm a little nervous to do so. I know practice makes perfect, but I feel like every time I paint it looks like a kindergartener picked up a brush and went crazy. I hate feeling as though if I mess up there's no way that I can fix it. Maybe I'm just overreacting. After all, I use markers and ink sometimes and those things gs are a lot harder to fix than paint, but I feel like I have more control over those than I do over a brush? Ehh.

First Post: Hello

This is more for my sake than anyone else reading this. This blog is for my sake and not anyone else's. This is meant to be a friendly place where I can express my thoughts feelings without worrying about losing friends. That being said, I highly doubt I'll ever post anything really controversial on here. This blog is supposed to be fun and uplifting- a joke really. And I just want to move forward with that in mind.

why the fuck are you all i think about it's been over a year since we've been together and were still best friends but god all i fucking want is you and i fucked it all up and it's all my fault that we're not even together anymore because i couldn't love you in the way you needed to be loved and it fills my heart so impossibly full to see you happy with him but fuck it makes me the most miserable ive ever felt because i know i'll always be alone i'll never have what i had with you again and i don't think im ever gonna forgive myself for giving you up but you deserved better than me for a lover goodnight tumblr

literally all i want is someone who's excited to talk to me im tired of desperately sexualizing myself in the hopes that that'll come i just want to be loved and wanted lol

Do you guys ever wonder about the names made in x reader stories? Especially anime x reader stories.

For example, "Simon." I'm so sorry but HUH?? I honestly feel like it's not really a good idea using English names in an anime fanfiction- If the character is a foreigner then sure! But if their Japanese, why use a name like "John" or something?

I think some of you have noticed in my fanfictions, especially "A Drop of Blood" in Wattpad. I used a few original characters throughout the chapters, I used Japanese names, like "Riku Hiroto" and "Akuma." Both names having some sort of meaning and it's actually Japanese.

Writers, please use Japanese names if you are referring to Japanese originated people in your stories 😭

Anger

I had a breakdown again earlier today.

Like something hot and red and ugly and just so much hatred with no target to shoot it on. For some reason I thought is this how Jason Todd had felt? Or maybe is this how Bruce Wayne felt once he grew up and realized how on earth does people like Joe Chill can get away with so little and he in that one night, lost everything he knew?

With so much hatred and anger and just this huge hole in your heart that felt more like it was ripped away from you rather than just being taken? Is this how being angry at the world feels like? Angry at everything that has happened? Is this how craving for vengeance feels like?

I remember being told that revenge has a smell and it is sweet, and almost dizzying like an aphrodisiac.

I remember clutching the front of my shirt and felt how stuck my scream felt in my throat and I can’t just scream it out with my brother across the hallway and my sister downstairs.

I can’t do this, I can’t keep this in, I can’t keep on doing this.

I remember a time we were told that the whole family has anger issues.

Dad is a bomb, ticking and ticking with the time always border lining on 0 every time he tries to pushes us too far to the edge and he seems eager for us to push him back in retaliation.

Mom keeps it in until something bad & ugly & stupid & disrespectful happens from us, and there comes the screams and the glares and the disappointment.

My brother’s anger is physical, he hits you and pulls in some punches just to make you hurt the same way he does.

My sister’s anger is physical as well, but in the way it’s childish because still, she is still a child.

More often than not, her anger pushes dad’s clock to 0 as well and that will sometimes reign in Mom’s disappointment and if it isn’t her pushing it to explode, it will be my brother’s idea of rebellious retaliation.

And I’ll stand there.

Just a soldier, standing still in the minefield as the shots keep flying and the bombs kept giving way.

Silence become my defense as it was never really my weapon.

And growing up with the understanding how much power and destruction a bomb can hold, well I know how dangerous a wrath’s path can be.

So, I reign it in. So, I push every single pure, pure anger that threatens to boil to the surface.

My grief sometimes overcome my anger I think, enough so that I forgot that I can be angry sometimes.

My anger, I think, is physical as well.

My anger, I think, is the opposite of who I fights to become.

My anger, I think, is not a bomb, or a silent glare or a bursting scream.

My anger creeps in, my knuckles throb with every poison that rushes through my vein.

I don’t get angry, I don’t, I won’t, I never.

I don’t get angry because if I do, I don’t know how I’ll face the aftermath of it.

I can feel it, when it pulses, when it tries to fight through the restraints. I can feel it when my veins are filled with adrenaline and the want, the need to just, hurt. I can feel it and I know it’s there ‘because I can feel my eyes harden, I can feel my legs muscle constrict with the will to run towards the anger itself, I can feel my grip tightens around on itself ‘because I want to hit and punch and injure and hurt, hurt, hurt.

And I buries it in.

I learn to let out the insults because it soothes the fire but if you’ve been trapping the flames in an oxygen cavity and keep adding to it without ever giving it a chance to see the light of day, a verbal fight does little to calm it.

I learn that after letting out the insults, to give it time, time to turn it into guilt and grief instead.

Dr K thinks that what I’m doing might as well be the equivalent of driving a brake-less car down the hill only to run into an explosion then crashes down into the ocean with nowhere to escape out of the car.

Like letting in the adrenaline rushes through you only to trap everything in and let it consumes you.

I’ve told her that the analogy was exaggerative, I think.

I’ve crashed at the moment now.

I think it’s ironic that I used the rain and the sound of the crashing waves to calm me down.

I hate being angry.

I hate it because it isn’t me but it proves that it’s a primal instinct of mine when I didn’t bother with my mask.

All of us have masks.

I’ve seen Dad used it around his colleagues or when the topic of Grandpa comes up or when Grandma was talking about her time just around the corner.

I’ve seen Mom used it around her ‘friends’, true or not, and I’ve seen it around us when she’s far too tired and she’s far too aware of her greying hair.

I’ve seen my brother using it the most around us, never being able to settle into his skin even with those who he should trust the most.

I’ve seen it with my sister, the way she brushes off any signs of emotional vulnerability other than irritation ‘because she thought everybody would use it as a weapon against her intelligence.

I’ve seen it in the mirror of the 5-star bathroom at school, the one everybody goes to because it’s the only ones that works. Most of the time, anyways.

I’ve seen it on my friends and I’ve seen it crumbles in the anticipation of days leading up to what was the most important event of our lives as high school students back then.

Someone asked me, if I’ve cried it yet, implying if I’ve succumbed to the world-heavy pressure of the future yet. If I’ve sat down and bawled my eyes out as I realized how short on time we always seemed.

I told them, no.

There are a few strays of tears I’ve let past in the days leading up to it but I know if I sat down properly and let it out – I don’t know how much it’ll take for me to stand up again. Or if I’m ever strong enough for it anyways.

I hate grief.

And I hate my anger even more.

And as my vision blurs with the tears in my eyes that I won’t let out, and my knuckles are white as I grip the box holding in the razors tightly – I wish, I wish I never knew how safe and suffocating a mask can feel.  

Am i gaslighting myself?

Early this year i was told by a doctor that i have developed a shellfish allergy, after having a few bad reactions randomly, and have since stopped eating all forms of shellfish. I used to be able to eat shellfish perfectly fine and the development of the allergy was really out of nowhere.

I wouldn’t eat any shellfish but i would feel really bad because my family now has to stop making shellfish dishes which we used to have a lot and is even more inconvenient given my other food allergies.

I would tell myself that it’s probably nothing and that i was just being over dramatic and it was probably just paranoia.

But then a couple days ago i had a really bad reaction from a shellfish cross contamination, which should prove that it’s completely real and that I’m not overreacting right? But it’s still... not that easy.

I still feel bad about having these dietary restrictions that affect the people around me and wish i could just suck it up.

Howdy, I’m Sonny, your local enby demiboy and I’m here to talk about ✨names✨

Okay so this is mostly a personal rant (feel free to skip)

Ok so

The summer before 8th grade I had determined I didn’t like being called my legal name or the (god damned) nickname that came with it. So I started thinking about names that could pass as nicknames for my legal name.

I was listening to musicals like I often do and in the heights came on, and I guess you can see where this is going.

I chose my name in honor and reference to Sonny and kept that spelling as a way to convince that it was derived from legal name.

And so I started introducing myself as Sonny. It made me happy, when people call me Sonny I would be more excited to answer, and my mom started introducing me to her friends as Sonny.

Mind you, I changed my name before I determined it was okay for me to question my gender.

When I accepted that I wasn’t cisgender I started to think of ways I could either come out to my mother or gain comfort without.

I have determined that I shouldn’t come out, not with how my mom see’s people who fall out of the binary and even those who just don’t associate with their AGAB.

But I started to drop hints that I dislike how my figure falls. Y’know specifically the stupid flash sacks hanging from my torso.

This is about the time that things started to change.

My mom stopped introducing me as Sonny.

It was slow at first

“Oh this is Sonny”

“Oh this is my DAUGHTER, *legal name* but SHE goes by Sonny”

“This is *legal name*”

“This is *god damn evil nickname*”

I don’t know if she suspects something, but she’s the type to confront you if she is suspicious.

That’s how I got dragged out of the closet as asexual.

But I just wanted to illustrate how bad it can make you feel when someone ignores your name.

When she stopped using my preferred name, it felt like she decided I didn’t have to be respected.

I don’t need to be acknowledged correctly.

I don’t have to feel comfort or joy when someone addresses me.

I don’t think that’s just me.

My heart hurts so to distract myself Imma tell you why vision tests are stupid.

Ok so I recently got my learners permit so I had to take a vision test but that one wasn’t bad. But it made me think about how much bullshit vision tests are.

When you take a vision test and they have you do your eyes separately but you have to read the same line?

Idk about other people but I already memorized what the line says because the doctor always makes me read with my dominant eye first, so I know what the line says even if I can’t see it clearly?!?

And I tried to convey this to my doctor and she was like well then you can read it, which no?!?

So now I have a lighter prescription than I used to and I can’t see well for shit.

I need to rant, feel free to ignore.

Ok so

Every year I go to camp

I have been going for 4-5 years but last year due to COVID the session got canceled.

This was devastating to me because this camp is my second home, it brings me the most joy a location can.

I was absolutely stoked that I would be able to go this summer with some adjustments for COVID.

Until I found out that this’ll be the last summer.

My camp is part of this bigger organization that does a lot for its communities since it’s start but has been really going through it over the span of COVID and because they simply can’t afford to function with all of there locations, there closing most of them, including my camp.

This is my last summer.

I’ll never get to be a LIT.

I’ll never get to finish raggers.

I’ll never get to see my counselors again.

The turmoil this brings me isn’t something I like to show, but I need to get it all out.

I’m sorry.

I hate my love language

Hi I’m your local friendly AroAce.

And my love language is gifts. As I’m writing this I’m currently sitting on the floor making stuff for my friends for Easter.

I love to make gifts for people. Or even buying stuff for them. I will sew them a stuffie, draw them a picture, pain and item for them, make a piece of jewelry or otherwise.

But the issue is,

I like presents too.

That doesn’t sound like a problem except that the people in my life don’t really do gifts.

My parents will typically do something that I was already in need of as my present and my friends will typically just mass produce some sort of pastry for the group to share.

And I know it’s greedy and selfish to want something more, something with more meaning.

But I can’t help it. I don’t talk to them about it because I know I would sound greedy and selfish. I just need to rant about it.

I’m sorry.

"My mental illness makes me funny" is SUCH BULLSHIT. When I was deep in my mental illness, I was the most boring,tiring,self obsessed person ever. All I could think and focus on was my suffering, I didn't care about people around me, I pushed everyone who tried to help me away, and I literally cried and slept all day. You think I could have been fucking funny back then?! My humour comes from how much I enjoy life now that I can participate in it, how excited I am about every little new thing that I can try and how much beauty I find in human connections and making others laugh (This is not to demonise people who are still deep in their mental illness but I'm just so tired of the way mental health is treated and portrayed on the interent. It's not funny or quirky it's important shit)

I just got done watching The Gaslight District, and holy crap, it is so good. I loved the animation and character designs, and the world building was so cool! I really hope it gets picked up! Anyway, you guys should check it it out! So small warning it does have some gore and violence in it, so if you're sensitive to that, don't watch, but anyway, I'm really looking forward to seeing more episodes of it!

Oh yeah so it turns out working a job while still living with your parents, specifically when one of your parents works the exact same job, fucking sucks. Like, I told my workplace I couldn't do 6 am shifts, they scheduled me for a 6 am shift. I would honestly just skip the shift as a 'fuck you I set my boundaries' but they can literally call my parents on me. I am currently staying up late and eating unhealthy food in hopes that when morning comes I will be deemed too sick to work this fucking shift.

Honestly I would rather be fired than work for a place that doesn't respect my boundaries with shifts but again, parents. This job is hell and I hate it and I hate working for a corporation that treats me like a robot.

Just a personal post about my experience on this site

The only social media I’ve ever really used my whole life has been YouTube and Pinterest, and I only joined Tumblr a few months ago because my sibling encouraged me to. The internet has always kind of been an overwhelming place for me; too many people, too many ideas. And I used to get really insecure when interacting with or even perceiving fandom. I struggled a lot with the feeling of “I really love this piece of media/character, and the fact that other people love it too makes me feel like it’s somehow an intrusion upon my profoundly personal connection with this thing” (thankfully I've mostly grown out of that). Online spaces made the world feel too big and me feel too small. Maybe a part of the reason I joined Tumblr was to combat that. I often felt a little like the odd one out in that the internet was never this place of community and connection for me like it is for so many others. I’ve always just felt overwhelmed by it. Now, I’ve curated a nice little corner of the internet for myself, although I do have to keep things in check sometimes and not overwhelm myself through overexposure to content.

Since joining the site and creating this blog, I’ve learned a lot. I have a lot of bad days when I second-guess my wording in every post I make (which I know is silly, because I just make fandom content and random stuff that only a few people will ever see, so the stakes are incredibly low, but anxiety doesn’t care). I have days where the world still feels too big and it's overwhelming to look at posts. But I’ve also begun to learn to express myself more, and that’s vital for me, especially as an autistic person learning to unmask more in my daily life. It feels silly to say that being on this site has been a rollercoaster, but that’s the truth of how I feel. This whole experience has forced me to confront my issues with self-expression, my relationship with external validation and people-pleasing, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and figuring out healthy self-regulation. Again I feel very silly saying all this about Tumblr of all things. But it’s true.

That's not even to mention how freeing and encouraging it has felt to see how shamelessly people express themselves on here. It's a landscape of radical self-expression, fearless passion, and a kind of transparency I haven't really seen anywhere else. As someone who has repressed myself all my life and am doing the work to unmask more... I can only look on in awe. It's nothing short of inspiring and beautiful, in all it's unfiltered, deranged glory. Thank you to all the people who are openly unhinged on here, because it makes this a safe space for everyone else to express themselves, too. I aspire to that.

All this has also shown me that people are much kinder than I always expect them to be. People here listen to what I have to say, and most are so encouraging and welcoming. Having a few mutuals who always at least like my posts makes me feel… seen. Like I exist and someone else cares at least enough to take a second to give a little positivity. (Shout out to my very kind mutuals. You all always brighten my day when we get to chat in the comments. It genuinely means a lot to me). Not to be too vulnerable, but I've always struggled a lot to make friends, and while I may not be there yet, it’s been lovely to connect with anyone at all. Just getting to like and comment on other people’s posts feels like a nice bit of socialization in my day, however small it may be. It's really encouraging. Makes me feel more human, I suppose.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I went outside my comfort zone in joining this site, and really realized that (shockingly) going outside your comfort zone does in fact lead to growth. That is, when you don’t push too far and end up overwhelmed. I’m looking forward to growing more. Making posts about things I care about, or just nonsense. Writing fanfiction. Being feral about bg3 and other art I love. It’s all really been pushing me in a good way. Maybe someone else relates.

Me the entire time I was reading this blog :

God I fucking hate Olaf the snowman so fucking much holy shit. Holy shit, every frame he's in, every scene, every gif, every jpeg, he's got this painfully vacant, stupid as shit, fuckass look on his stupid lumpy face. Absolutely no part of his ugly as sin piece of shit character design is endearing. His stupid fucking legs? Who the hell makes a snowman with legs. His dumb flaily fucking twig arms? His shitty, lumpy bastard head? The three thousand percent unnecessary dumbass shitass fucking SNOW BUCK TOOTH that no snowman has EVER FUCKING HAD IN tHE HISTORY OF GOD'S GREEN FUCKING EARTH? God, I hate him. I hate him so much. So FUCKING much. Every time I see a stuffed toy Olaf or an Olaf gif or a shitty goddamn commercial, it ignites my primal rage response and I'm overcome by the need to punt this shitty little homunculus into the fucking sun. "Bhurr blur, I'm Olaf the fuckshit snow fucker, I like warm hugs". Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. You look like Tow Mater summoned a patronus. Your dumb fucking twig hair makes your whole shitty head look like a hairy skin tag. I hate your dumb fucking lumpy carrot nose and your stupid, empty googly eyes and your over-the-top goofy ass upbeat asshole personality. Any scene he's sad it invokes all the wrath and fury of a spoiled child having a meltdown over a chocolate bar in a w*lmart checkout line. And I know its irrational. That's the worst part. I know he's just a shitty fucking side character in a stupid fucking children's movie, I know it doesn't matter, I know I shouldn't care. But that's part of the problem. The part where no matter the might and fury of my hatred, the locus of my homicidal intent is alltogether inconsequential. I find myself laying awake in the dark in the early hours of the morning consumed by the spirit of Wrath itself, all the force and might of a flaming hurricane directed at a bottle of piss in a ditch by the highway. The absurdity of it all burns me to my core. What better things could this energy be directed towards? And yet my disdain for this stupid, useless, insubstantial failure of endearing character design utterly eclipses the intrigue of all other pursuits. I hate him. I hate him on a level of my mind reserved for the worst of the world's array of sinners, and I can't even begin to justify it. Shitstick the snow dick is, for all intents and purposes, the animated corpse of all of humanity's saccharine pretenses- every condescending, passive-aggressive statement of meaningless upper middle class suburban drama distilled into a single, hateable form. The fucking. Fuck. I have no words. There is no cuss or epithet in any language that can encapsulate the height of the emotions I am experiencing. God, I hate him so much. I hate him so, so fucking much. I want to light his ugly little dumpster body on fire. I want to graphically beat him to death with his own stupid fucking nose. I want to punch him to death. You know that weird feeling you get, when you see a picture of something so cute you find yourself overcome with the bizarre, inexplicable urge to squeeze it? It's EXACTLY like that, except instead of cuteness it's disgust. The wordless knowledge that his existence as a fictional work is evidence of all the failures of mankind. I find myself possessed by the will of a Holy Angel gone rogue with the belief that God has made a mistake, and I alone must correct it. This is the trial by which Samael himself fell from grace. This wild, meaningless rage. A thousand blades of shining steel cast with inhuman force in the direction of a plastic grocery bag floating on a breeze. What horrors must I have committed in a past life to be plagued by this torment now? I must Unmake this fictional snowman