Actually Bpd - Blog Posts

TW! DRUGS, ALCOHOL, OVER DOSING,REHAB, EATING DISORDER, RAPE, MENTAL HEALTH, SELF HARM, SUICIDE

Now we skip a year to the beginning of the year. Year 9. 2022.

On October 24th 2021, i was walking to a friends house. To get there you had to walk down a dark, forest like path. I wasn't wearing anything too revealing. Nothing more then slight cleavage. This guy, must've been in his mid 20s, came up behind me. Grabbed me from behind, and raped me. My innocence was stripped away, only because i was wearing a top.

This event lead me into a horrible spiral of depression. I was 13.

I started drinking, everyday, for 2 months. In school, at home, out side. I felt like i needed to get away from this pain. I was made to be mature, the child i once was had gone. I was caught, i was excluded, i was put into treatment for recovering alcoholics.

I stopped eating for months. I needed control. And somehow eating was the only thing i could. No one noticed, i'd always been quite fat, so it was seen as me loosing weight. Everyone was proud of me. No one could see the true intentions. I was dying, slowly killing myself to end my suffering.

One day, whilst i was at a party, drinking, someone gave me a massive load of cocaine and heroin . And there forth i was an addict. In school, at home, outside, in dirty public bathrooms, i was always doing drugs. I stole weed, lighters, filters and rolling papers from people. I stole bongs and grinders from shops. I needed it. It made me forget. It made me happy. I was 14. I was shooting up heroin every week, snorting cocaine every day. My friends encouraged this, told me it was my life and i could do what i wanted. I needed the help. They only really got concerned when i almost over dosed on heroin in the park near my house. I was sent to the hospital, where i am now. They are sending me to rehab on the 21st. They said it was what i needed.

I started self harming again, almost slitting my wrists everyday to end it. If i couldn't be happy, what was the point in being here.

I was diagnosed with autism and am currently waiting to be diagnosed with bpd , which all my therapists said i most likely do have, it gave me some clarity, although i will never tell anyone any of this, only you.

This is my story, of what has happened, before you judge someone, think about what they have been through.

Fare well - Radio

The thin line between

Being emotionally so drained you can't feel shit anymore but you rationally know it will pass and you love them

And

Knowing you love them but not being able to feel it so the bordi tries to convince you that you never loved them and you should push them away

But

As soon as you meet up again you can feel the love and warmth again and realise you really love them so you get really scared again to loose them

Only to

Spiraling into this endless, toxic circle of "I hate you, please don't leave me"

Maybe, borderline is not the monster i see in it.

If I loose control and start to struggle with life, borderline kicks in.

Maybe its not to make it worser.

Maybe its desperate, trying to save my inner child, deeply burried under all the supressed emotions.

Maybe it just doesn't know how to do it a healthy way.

The World of Black & White thinking.

The World of a person with Borderline.

No grey. No purple, nor blue or Red.

Its just Black or White. Liking or disliking, loving or hating.

Perhaps, i call you my light. Oh, The love i feel for my light can feel so beautiful and warm. Go on, cheat, hurt me, break my heart. As lang as you are my light, i dont care. Just make me feel loved and cared for. I will do anything for you.

No matter how selfdestructive i will end up, oh i love you.

But if The light dies, and youre just a Black hole.. oh, i hate you. So much it hurts. I remember everything you did wrong and now i use it against you.

But what about tomorrow? Will you be my light again?

The urge to rip out your arms during derealization.

Sadness & disappointment turns into anger & frustration.

My body throbbs, the tension feeling like a millions stabs with a needle; I can't breath and the air burns in my lungs instead of letting me take a breath.

I yell, i cry, i try to get rid of it by hitting random objects.

I don't feel the pain i should feel from the hit.

I feel how I get dizzy, my ears ring, my skin tingles and my body feels as if its not my own, i want to get myself out of it.

It goes on until i get numb, tears continuing to silently roll down my cheeks.

I realise that i yelled at people, i apologise, i feel guilty and ashamed.

I plan my death, until I realise they aren't mad. It was a misunderstanding.

All caused by some dumb rumors.

Why can't i just stay calm until i know the truth?

Oh, to feel unlovable...

What even is love?

I don't know how it feels.

I only know the feeling of obsession.

I LOVE you for some days, but then there is NOTHING. I feel nothing.

I don't know if i love you, i don't want to hurt you.

At some point you make me feel safe, on the other you scare me.

Fuck, i don't know what to do.

If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.

The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.

But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.

If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.

And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.

Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"

And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.

But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.

But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.

And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.

Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.

The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?

No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.

I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.

I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.

You are my favorite person.

I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.

My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.

You showed me how to live.

You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.

I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.

TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.

Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?

Snap

Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.

Snap

No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.

Snap

Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.

Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.

Snap

You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.

Repeat.

Every day.

Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.

Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.

I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?

I don't need you.

(Please hold me and wipe my tears.)

Talking about healing-

I see rarely people talk about how wrong it feels to let yourself getting healed, getting help. it is not wrong at all of course, its good.

But it feels wrong.

Like, its hard to explain. Speaking for me, i struggle with myself (as far as I remember) since i am 6/7 and it only got worser.

And now you wanna tell me i can drop most of it?

Something inside me doesn't believe I can be happy. I can't find things that makes me happy for longer than a hour, max a day.

Something inside me doesn't want to.

Because i found to much comfort in my own suffering. The only thing that always was with me, that never left, are the feelings that came with my mental illnesses.

I just don't understand how i am supposed to feel like. To think like.

I want to heal myself, to get better, be better for persons around me. I want to learn to control my bpd.

But I am really scared.

I'm so tired of life, of not knowing who i am or how i am. Lately i can't even feel pity if someone tells me something sad.

I can't see people as white anymore until Splitting is suddenly over. I only splitted during being depressed for a long time now and since yesterday i feel like I never was depressed and i feel some weird euphoria and nothing at the same time.

Friday during therapy I got really pissed at my therapist for constantly asking me how i feel or why i feel like that because i don't know myself. I wanted to run away. I said sorry afterwards tho.

How long will it takes her to drop me?

Or actually helping me heal?

Because i don't know how to help myself anymore.

"Your trauma makes you stronger"

No, my trauma gave me depression, quiet & self-destructive bpd, anxiety, insomnia and a inner child that desperately wants to get healed.

Scared of being alone, only pleasing other people desperately trying to have friends, to not be the outstander.

I was a child. I wanted to be protected by the persons that hurt me. I wanted their help & their love. And now I am the person struggling to accept care even though I want it because it makes me feel trapped & dependent. I am the person struggling to show love.

Who am i?

(Just a little vent, TW a single mention of selfharm and suicide in the end.)

In one moment i feel nothing at all, i found comfort in it.

Then, someone talks in another voice, and my mind gets crashed by selfhate and believing anyone is fooling with me. That often triggers Splitting, rage or depression.

No matter wich bpd episode; boredom, euphoria, anger, sadness, frustration, Splitting, lovesick, anxiety, dissociating, overthinking..

In big crows i am always on fight or flight.

Every single one feels so wrong, so different. Overwhelmingly and unbearable, causing my body to hurt and feel so weak.

Afterwards my mind feels so dead, guilty and ashamed. Like i don't think at all but still think so much if somebody can understand that.

If people ask what my Traits are, how could i say 'caring' if only care in a few of these episodes?

How can I say I will always listen? I really want to, but if I am in episodes i can't listen anymore.

What can i tell them, what wouldn't get destroyed by a episode?

What can i tell myself?

The only thing that stays with every damn episode is the thought of suicide or selfharm. But that's something rarely someone I meet will ever find out.

I know, I am more than bpd. We all are more than this illness.

Yet, from time to time i can't help it and ask myself, who am I.

Take care <3

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

Something that definitely isn't talked enough about as a symptom from many borderliners are Hallucinations.

I myself have auditory hallucinations. Its really weird but luckily not scaring me yet.

Romantisized Borderline.

If you have bpd this may triggers you!

Why the fuck would people even do that?

"I wan't a borderliner as my significant other."

No you don't. Its hell for you and for them.

You want someone who is absolutely obsessed, to the point just a wrong breath make them think you hate them.

You want someone who's probably is suicidal, self-destructive and self harming? "I can fix them." No you can't. Neither i think you can stop them.

You want someone that is extremly lovingly and affectionate only to become distant, ignoring and maybe even offensive in a eyeblink because they got triggered into Splitting or rage?

You want someone that probably feels offended if you need time for yourself or do spend time with your friends and don't answer your phone.

You want someone that may shouts and yells in one moment, only to cry and feel guilty in the next moment, maybe begging you to stay?

You do realise that its not just from time to time, but every fucking day? If they have a bad day's maybe even hourly moodswings?

You want just to help them? Thank you, but that's not your task in a relationship/friendship. Take care of yourself because the chance that you just ruin yourself is high.

Fuck, imagine cuddling in bed in a comfortable silence, they overthought something and suddenly push you off, just because a single though.

Wanna know what the worst is?

Maybe you noticed that I am extremely aware of my bpd. But that doesn't mean i can change, or fix myself. Because with the sudden overwhelming emotion, my mind is drowning in things like selfhate and that everyone will leave, no more awareness or control. I think its like that for many borderliners.

Please don't romantisize something people are suffering from. Thank you.

Maybe I should just give up and let them take me into psychiatry. I don't fucking care anymore anyways.

Can you help the hopeless?

Well, I'm begging on my knees

Can you save my bastard soul?

Will you wait for me?

I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover.

Forgive me, father, I love you, mother.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

---

Love this song. Its my comfort song since years, seemingly to perfectly describe how i feel.

Me, looking in the mirror: hm i don't even look that bad.

Also me, 5 mins later: nevermind.

I had a fp from 2020 to 2023-

I wasn't diagnosed back then. They never knew how much and bad they managed to trigger me in the last year.

Anyways, i never had a episode infront of them except going all silent.

I thought our friendship would have ended, as with 2024 i started to only visit the stables (where we had to meet every day normally but due to stress i made with them the decision that they would take care of my pony until I finished apprentice.)

When i felt.. okay, not stressed, not bad, not extremely tired.. of course I started to have a better mood at the stable since then.

Since a long time i call them in the mornings to wake them up so they don't oversleep and still do, but, fuck.

They are so fucking nice to me again since 2024 began and we stopped seeing each other everyday, since I wasn't forced to go to the stables anymore because i don't have to feel guilty because of my pony even though I really love it.

My ex fp is so nice to me again i can't handle it 😭 especially every morning on the phone.

I don't know how to work with this & this feelings.. they are still able to trigger me badly too.

Why is that so fucked up? What should I do?

I am scared. Also i want it to stay like now. BUT IT SCARES ME.

Since i got my first tattoo i wanna have more (impulsive ones) 😭

Someone stop me i'm broke.

Plus, I found to much comfort in that pain oop~

Romantic homicide- d4vd

Exactly what's happening during a split.

Something bad is 'bout to happen to me I don't know it, but I feel it coming.

Might be so sad, might leave my nose running.

I just hope they don't wanna leave me.

Don't you give me up, please don't give up

Honey, I belong with you, and only you, baby.

This song is so bpd related.

I hate you, but please don't leave me.

"Stop using your bpd as a excuse." excuse? if you want this shit, here you go. how can i explain these personality changes when not with my PERSONALITY DISORDER?

i just try to fucking communicate i`m sorry i really am. but hey, your words kinda work as a punishment thanks for the trigger because i am fucking sorry.

Episodes

First of all, English isn´t my first language. Secondly, please be aware that every Borderline Personality Feels different. Lastly, Triggerwarning! i am not sure how this affects others.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I can handle your Episodes!" They say,

Until they experience the first Depression episode, realising that i may accept their hugs but won´t feel better. Perhaps trying to say nice words, unfortunately triggering a Rage Episode.

They realise, that they actually can´t really help and that (surprise surprise) Episodes do change the Personality. Until they experience the first splitting episode, realising that i won´t insult them or hurt them physically. They will feel like i hate them, because with this episode having the upperhand, i do.

until they realise that i am not the girl they started to like anymore, perhaps i don´t even know myself who i am at some points. And if i get back to the person they got to know first, back in the infinite emptyness i found comfort in and have my own mind back, feeling guilty and sorry. Are they able to handle it? every single day?

because i can´t. i am trying to help myself, get therapy, taking meds. i don´t want them to suffer because of me, i am scared of getting emotionally attached again. scared to loose them before i even got them.

But i don´t judge them for leaving again neither, because i am aware of how rough it can get. Yet i can´t change it, everything getting numb with a new episode. My own head yelling at me, insulting me on the worst way possible.

How could they understand without having it themselves? the feeling of fire inside of you, the pressure, the pain, the helplessness, the anxiety, the overwhelming emotion rolling over your body, daring to crush you.

so much the touch of others scares you to death, scared they would let you explode, their voices blurred and seemingly only there to judge even if they aren´t.

Its just to much.

Do they still think they can handle my episodes? even if, do they truly want to?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Maybe, just maybe we all can figure our way out of hell alive some day. Find a person who can handle any of our personalitys, without letting it crush themselve. Don´t give up. Thanks for reading, have a nice day &lt;;3

I hate radqueers as much as the next guy but telling anyone to kms is disgusting

taking a step back and having some more research about this, yes it was wrong of me some of those people might’ve been minors groomed into this, (feel free to fully dm me if u want help want to get better im here and ive been groomed like that before lovely’s) but for the adults that are grooming those minors. yeah go kys my stand points

hi. i don't expect you to understand or change your perspective, but i just wanna give you an understanding of my trans/trisbpd label.

i DO have it. i developed it later in life from trauma. this would make me "cisbpd" if we're being technical about it, but calling it "transbpd" feels like i can take the power back from my trauma!

maybe some transids ARE invalid. not that it will stop them from existing. if someone is willing to "fake disorders" with the transabled label; there's probably something mentally going on to make them do that. bpd has made me commit attention seeking behaviours too!

there's also a thing called body integrity identity disorder (bid/biid) which is when people feel they're supposed to be disabled, and dysphoric in the fact they aren't. is this okay? fuck no. i hope these people can recover. but not giving them space, consideration, and surgery could be way more harmful than professionally amputating them.

because they WILL and HAVE gone to unprofessionally do these things. it's unfortunate, but it is harm reduction.

i understand how the transbpd label can help u feel like ur able to take that trauma back and ik how much it fucking sucks to have bpd, but as ive seen the transbpd label has been used for people that WANT to have bpd without the trauma and glorify the bad behaviours that come with it, ive seen a post where someone was telling transbpd people how to fake having a fp and putting stigmatised abusive behaviours for how to act. and thats flatout not okay at all thats my problem with the transid label, i feel it makes an absolutely mockery of trans people and people actually with disorders ans disabilitys as this label gets used it can actually harm people that are “cisid” from getting proper help as mental health professionals might not take them as seriously and obviously having more of the public internet stigmatise and say people actually suffering are faking and attention seekers.

cisid and transid isnt vaild, cisgender is idenifying with the sex you are assigned at birth, you can’t be born with a mental illness its from trauma so that cant make sense at all. transgender is not identifying with the sex you were assigned at birth. again you can’t identify with a mental illnesses if you don’t actually have it or have the trauma that goes with it. the people that fake it cause harm to us great great harm.

i agree people whi fake disabilities need help, actual help for their mental health, ive had a family member with münchhausen and münchhausens by proxy, she was my grandmother, she convinced my mother she was sick everyday of her life to get pity and forced my mum to undergo unnecessary surgery that has impacted my mother for the rest of her life, from that trauma i was rarely taken to the doctors and ive only been to the hospital once and that was after i left my mother, im only finding out now that i have horrible hip problems as i was never checked for hip displacement at birth and now it might be to late for me and now it’s impacting my everyday life i couldn’t continue work from the pain of just being on my feet and im still fighting to get doctors to see im in pain. i only found out from my adoptive mother (shes a nursery) that i have extremely low blood pressure that causes me to almost faint every time i stand. theres been so many problems i only found out now at 16 that would’ve been fixed if they were checked when i was a baby. this is why those people are harmful, münchhausens is such a harmful disorder and people that want to be sick can cause serious truama to others.

the biggest problems i have with radqueers is the support of pedos, zoos and necros its straight up disgusting and shouldn’t be supported at all. i hope u understand this rant of my personal reasons of not supporting these labels and i hope i can actually change your mind on it :)

ask her smth.. ASK HER SOMETHING NOW!!!