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Depression - Blog Posts
I would definitely try to kill myself before school; if that didn’t work I’d just slap on a bandaid and get on the bus like nothing happened.
It’s like 1:00 am and I keep having these weird thoughts so I’m just gonna post them here because I feel like if any site is gonna get me it would be this site. I keep having these weird thoughts because I’m super insecure but I’m also super nice so my brain sometimes just puts me in weird, impossible situations. The most common though I have is if I ever met someone who looked exactly like me or if I ever met another me that was the exact same as I am now how would I react. My brain typically does this when I’m being self deprecating and I’m overwhelmed so my first thought is typically that I’m ugly but then my brain starts berating me for being mean to this not real person who looks exactly like me. I then go in circles about this for about an hour until I force myself to sleep or I get distracted by something else.
i just want more attention.
i just wanna be reconigzed.
i want people to see me.
but the only way they will is if i hurt myself.
so maybe ill cut more often.
but that would be selfish of me.
so ill stick to craving for now.
I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. I have not done one of these in a while. I feel hopeful because the day that I will take hormones is coming closer and closer. Soon I will alleviate my dysphoria and live as who I truly am. I am on sick leave now due to all the issues I mentioned. I do not know what to say - I just need to alleviate the dysphoria sooner. I know that it will not solve everything. I feel lonely because I am not able to connect with people on a deep level and I have terrible social skills. Heck, my social skills are so terrible that writing these journals and sharing them with people from my school does not feel embarrassing in the slightest. The only things I cannot say are illegal stuff. An example of something that is illegal is murder. Obviously I am not gonna write in the journal that I murdered someone if I really did do it. No, but I have not done it. Anyways, I still cannot get my mind off of something which I mentioned earlier. That mysterious thing which drives me forward. The mysterious thing is further away than ever before, but oh so close. I think that it is best to leave everything behind and return into my shell where no one can see, hear, or hurt me. I am safe in my house, right? Ofc I am, why would I not be? It is only when I step outside that those sc(k)ary people look at me and laugh, then they say something to their friends and both of them look behind themselves and laugh. They all laugh at me, I am just a joke to them. The only thing left to do is to run away forever and never return. I know, maybe in the future I can upload my mind into a computer and play Minecraft all day. Minecraft is a game where no one bothers you and if they bother you, THEN YOU FUCKING KILL THEM. Minecraft is a game where I am safe and where there are no rules to put me in danger. Minecraft is a place where nostalgia rules. No, no no no! The milk is not in the bag, IT IS NOT IN THE BAG, SHUT UP! The milk is my soul and the bag is my computer - a world waiting to be explored and a world where no one judges you. I am addicted to gaming, I am addicted to the internet, I am nihilistic, I am depressed, blah blah blah; you get it. I WANT MY ESTROGEN, GIVE ME HORMONES! Anyways, I am getting off-topic. I am basically screwed, the end.
Tw: vent, a bit of violence, gender dysphoria, and depression.
I am starting to lose hope. I do not think that anyone will ever love me as much as I love them. Depression makes it really hard to express my feelings. Everyone I care for will eventually find someone else they love more. I know that it will always happen. It is always gonna go wrong. I fear nothing more than failure and my life is just a big compilation of me failing everything. I cannot let go though, which is the scary part. It is almost as if you chop your legs off because they were walking into the school cafeteria on their own. The cafeteria full of eyes that see you (I must never go there). Then your body starts rolling on its own into the place, which sets you up for your ultimate demise. It is moments like this that I crave the nothingness, I crave to no longer exist, and I crave a release from my pain. I hate myself and I hate that I was born to look like a freak. I want to die, but I can't...The only thing left to do is to continue my obsession, it is too late to abandon it now, because she has overtaken my mind. The worst part of all this is that I am never gonna pass as a female because of my stupid body that I want to rip into pieces with surgeries. I am gonna change everything about myself until there is nothing left of me. I am just a big pile of waste, which is infested with trauma, ugliness, gender dysphoria, depression, anxiety, failure, the inability to do anything right, and a universe full of pain to show for everything I have gone through. Idk whether to give up or not...
Let it burn
Dream: Go to sleep
Bruce: ..........
Bruce: No
Dream: >:0
Dream: hOw dArE yOu dEfY mY OrDeRs ?!
Just 2 awkward, lonely boys trying to live through another day (please let them be)
War movies that I personally recommend
1917 (2019)
Anthropoid (2016)
Flammen & Citronen (2008)
Napola (2004)
The Pianist (2002)
Idi I Smotri (1985)
Schindler's List (1993)
Nanjing! Nanjing! (2009)
Der Hauptmann (2018)
13 Minutes (2015)
I normally don't do these alot but this is really starting to hit me hard. Do I even inspire people in art? If so what did I even inspire them to do?
...
Sorry just kinda had to let that out.
Because we all need to hear this sometimes.
I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks and I just really needed to hear these:
You are NOT a burden
You are valued
You are NOT a shitty friend, even when you think you are
You don’t need to have it all figured out yet
It’s OK to have bad days
And it’s OK to hide from the world if you’re having a bad day
Because sometimes you just need to have some time to yourself
And that’s OK
You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to
What happened to you in the past is NOT your fault
Don’t feel guilty for not being productive
It’s going to be OK
Breathe
Relax
Recharge
YOU ARE WANTED
YOU ARE LOVED
YOU CAN DO THIS
I BELIEVE IN YOU
Sometimes I catch myself not breathing.
No air filtering in through my lungs.
My brain fuzzy and slow without it.
My chest still and my shoulders hunched.
Like some subtle subconscious part of me just decided this was it.
Time to give up.
An explanation of inconsistent writing:
Someone close to me is undiagnosed bipolar and our household is suffering for the lack of accountability this has caused.
They have trauma associated with someone from their past who had it, but instead of trying to get ahead of it, they're so deep in denial that they are blaming everybody else for losing the car keys, when they find them the second they bother to look.
All of my goals have suffered from this. My free time is so full of anxiety that I can't write more than a handful of words at a time unless struck with inspiration.
To everyone following me on AO3, I'm sorry my updates and writing are so inconsistent. I'm doing my best.
Reid Reading Solitaire by Alice Oseman
Possible spoilers below
I never thought I would identify with a character as strong as I do with Tori Spring. I've never thought I could be anyone who matters to someone, and I still don't now, even with the friends I've found after growing up learning how to be on my own, especially when second-guessing everything you feels like it's all you ever do. The backpack chapter reasonated with me, every time I get overwhelmed, I make a decision completely blown out of proportion to make something feel right about me, to stop the panic and racing thoughts.
Then there's overthinking what to say, around family and friends and strangers, what to feel, what your morals are and what separates you from your intrusive thoughts. Every thought you have in conversation is about what other people see in you and how you relate to the conversation in the slightest, making you aware you're such a bloody narcissist. Contradicting yourself often, which confuses everyone else and frustrates you the most. But while those people contradict themselves, you feel both the confusion and frustration, almost for the other person.
You try to keep it all down then, because while you know have everything, you feel like you need more. You can't believe it, you're already trying to earn what you have now, what else could you possibly want?
And then there is wondering, about the "why" when you want something. Why do you want it if the cost is too risky? What would you do to get it? Why would you work so hard if it might end badly for you?
The contradiction, when you need help, you don't want to be alone, but the company you have doesn't feel like what you need, you feel like a watcher of your own uninteresting life. Second guessing, (do I actually want this?) I don't know what I'm actually going to feel if I get what I think a moment of unexplored comfort would be. Maybe it will be suffocating. Maybe it isn't possible. Maybe I'd ruin it. That's when the wondering goes further.. What about your identity is truly yours? Which pieces have you handpicked from the people in your life, and what is actually inside you that makes you who you are? Maybe you don't want to ever know.
This all being said, the one thing I feel separated myself from Tori Spring's character- was that she doesn't like to read, my little dark heart sank from my body in dismay. I still love her though, enough to breathe through the book in one afternoon.
He was always sad, he knew. But there was a difference between a perpetual state of unhappiness and a sudden gust of it, leaving him cold and helpless. Floundering with no sight of an end.
We hunt the flame, Hafsah Faizah
Whaddup Im Jared Im 19 and i never fucking learned to get seretonin in a healthy way
DDLC ruinz our chilrdn
I actually played it. It was spectacular. It was also disturbing and gory, and unsuitable for kids. You know... EXACTLY LIKE IT SAID IN THE DOWNLOADS. Or the opening message. Or everywhere if you bothered to check what the hell your child does on the computer. This is a big issue, but what actually inspired my rant here is something else. It's when people say: "insert game/book/movie/etc containing themes of mental illness is harmful to young people. " Oh please. You know what's harmful? MENTAL ILLNESS. Since DDLC (Doki Doki Literature Club for those who don't have Google), or rather articles about it, inspired me to write this, I'll tell you some things about it. It dealt with depression, self harm, domestic abuse, and it accurately illustrated how isolation and lack of professional care can, in fact, kill. There was some other stuff about AIs and existential questioning too. Anyway, my point is: don't demonize a work of art dealing with mental illness. Dan Salvato and his team are not trying to kill your kids.They're making a story, and at the same time warning about depression and suicide. Mental illness is harmful. Remember that next time someone loses their life. TL;DR : READ THE WARNINGS. Just because it's animation doesn't mean it's suitable for everyone.
Note To Society #14
Just because someone is caucasian, heterosexual, cisgender, and not in need of money does not mean that they cannot be depressed. Depression is an mental illness; it doesn’t care about your position in life. Don’t disrespect depressed people.
i’m not kidding when i tell you tied together with a smile is my life story.
“What’s your favourite animal?”
Me in my recovery arc
Me: Yeah so I’ve been having horrible joint pain, muscle weakness, and fatigue for the past several years that’s worsened dramatically in the last 2 months.
Dr: Hmmm…. Fatigue, you say? Do you happen to have any…… mental health issues??
Me: …..I mean I have an anxiety disorder, but I really doubt that—
Dr: That’s the reason, that’s why you’re fatigued. It is your ✨mental illness✨
Me: Okay but I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid and the fatigue is a recent issue, so—
Dr: So sorry to hear about how ✨MENTALLY ILL✨ you are and how it is causing literally ALL of your health issues😢☹️
Me: But my anxiety is way better than it used to be, plus like I said I’m having joint pain as well I really don’t see how that could be caused by—
Dr:
✨💫Mentally Ill✨💫
I hate crying in front of people so much. I always swallow the sadnees, the pain, whatever is making me feel like crap until i go home and i get to cry alone at home, is not good to cry but i like doing it alone, not in front of everyone, that’s why i know i hit deep bottom when i start crying infront of people, when tears start falling and people are hugging me telling me nice words, that’s when i know, that all the pain and stress i have been keeping like a pet, is not worthy.
Please i’m just tired
No, i am not sad, i am not mad, is just that i am so tired of trying to feel good with my life and with myself, trying not to cry when i see myself in a mirror or in photos, tired of not doing things the way i wanted, tored of crying about every little thing, tired of not being loved the way i love someone, and TIRED of feeling alone when i am surrounded by people.
I hate it when the punishment your mum gives you for your room being a mess is you cant leave the house until its clean. I cant stand being in this house and not going on a ride somewhere. It just becomes a loop. Wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, and repeat. I need to go somewhere or ill go insane. But no. I cant. Until that one thing gets done. I hate it. I hate it i hate it i fucking hate it. Until eventually i have a mental breakdown and become destructive and start hitting things or physically hurting yourself. It feels like your whole body is burning hot. And the only thing that will help is inflicting pain on yourself or it will only get worse. After its over your just numb.. you feel nothing. No emotions, or feeling in your body. You could cut yourself and not feel a single thing.
They didn’t specify positive qualities lol, time to use self deprecating humor that makes everyone uncomfortable!
Someone: "What are your qualities?"
Me: o_O
Me: "Y'all have these?"
A Bad Day Interrupted
A bad day, just like so many others lately. No matter how you tried, moments of actual contentment and joy never seemed to last quite long enough to be a mental break from everything. You have been severely depressed for little over a month, but it seems like you finally ran out of tears. Good, you hated making people worry about you.
Looking at the time on your phone, you are disappointed it isn't time to go home. Work isn't bad; the work is easily completed in time and you work with the nicest people you know. However, it is exhausting to consciously keep up the charade of being happy.
You are concerned for yourself. Nothing had happened, you just awoke one day and just been depressed since. On top of that, you are also anxious and self-abusing. Not physically, though the gnawing in your stomach reminds you that you are not eating as much as you probably should.
A lot of the abuse is mental; the thoughts in your head ripping you down to the lowest level of self-deprecation you have ever been. Words are weapons and they are inflicting so much pain.
You look at your phone as it buzzes. A message from your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whomever. Upon opening, it is a small video clip of a panda cub sitting on a rock. It sneezes so hard it topples over and you can't help but chuckle, smiling a genuine smile for the first time all day.
They knew you were going through personal issues and were helping you look for a good therapist. Everday, they would find ways to show thier love in addition to texts and saying so. You feel guilty but accepted the extra affection, reciprocating the affection as best as you could.
One day at a time, with the love of your life making sure you make it through.
Because you would and have done the same for them.
i need more friends