Actually Bpd - Blog Posts

I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.

I feel numb.

Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.

I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.

What the fuck.

Just dissociating after crying and spiralling for losing a bunch of hair, courtesy of my antidepressant and lack of self care. Enough living for today.

I belong to none,

not these extended hands,

the rosey skies,

or the bloodied battlegrounds in my name.

I belong to none other than myself

but know not which one in particular

I may not love myself on most days

but I definitely would not let you either.

On nights like this, I try to remember to be kinder to myself even if that kindness feels so wrong.

I know no one

and

I do not know myself.

I dine alone and I have no cutlery

to hold my appetite

as I attack this platter of death and misery

with my bare hands

and leave no crumbs.

someone please see i’m struggling and be gentle to me!!! wipe the blood from my skin, hold me, kiss me, comfort me until i feel like something, until i feel like i’m worth existing

I wish I was better at letting go of things, people, memories. I want to learn how. I keep hurting myself by falling in love with the idea of people and not their true character. I’m tired of being a stupid naive girl. I just have so much empathy for everyone and everybody deserves a fresh start, trust and a chance. Ugh. I’m too sweet and gentle for this place we call Earth or at least the Earth I have experienced.

I feel everything so incredibly intensely. Like a gift I haven’t learned how to use yet. I know my emotions are a blessing, I know, but why doesn’t it feel that way? Have I not met the right people? Am I not healed enough to maintain relationships with others? I wish I just knew all the answers. I guess I don’t have to have everything figured out right now. All I know is I don’t need to be cured or fixed or saved, just loved. If for once in my life I could just have that genuine love and patience - I know it would help me. I know it would heal the broken pieces of me that I cannot heal alone. I’m not giving up hope yet, I won’t. Love is out there waiting for me and I’m getting ready. I am ready. But until I find it I’ll give myself all that love I desire until I’ve loved me enough to feel safe enough to allow someone else to love me as well.

BPD goes brrr when it comes to developing crushes in everyone I met— insane

dream woman ✨

bought 💖

dating only rich playboys my whole life probably had caused me permanent brain damage

growing up as the ugly girl maybe had affected me way down too much

in a "I’m not depressed. I just feel like I’m in a thick, dark fog, and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out, and what’s the point of anything anyway?" mood

Something really hilarious is how people think telling me to “calm down” will help??? Like naw if anything it’ll turn my anger on whoever said it lmaooo like it’s the funniest thing bc it’ll just backfire 😭people are actually really fucking stupid. People in my past have done that and spoiler: it doesn’t work Lmaoo

I know I’m randomly rambling on this account about just everything but oh well

I can smell when tone changes are coming and that’s when I split lmfaooo. It took me time to actually notice this too 💀how truly sensitive tone changes make me lol. I was just thinking about it more randomly because I think about a lot of random shit

⨾༊󠀺

not before im perfect.

what happened to me?

because why can't i?

i wouldn't say so

why do i have to be happy for you. im not.

well okay that's not entirely true. im happy that you're happy. i'll always be grateful for your happiness. but jesus fucking christ why why why WHY can't i have the same things you have and why can't you just be mine.

oh well. that's what drugs are for.

i don't even think they KNOW they're my fp at this point. ive told them before. so they either forgot or they don't give a fuck.