Actually Bpd - Blog Posts

thanks for actually answering my texts FP now i wanna kill myself even more !! 🙃

okokok so

its been almost 2 weeks????? since me and my fp last had an actual conversation. i tried reaching out but they just ignored it and keep sending me fuckin memes and instagram posts and ignoring my message 🙃

i feel like i've already gone through the fucking 7 stages of grief with this mf and now i don't know if i care what they choose to do, so now im just wondering:

do i attempt to reach out again somehow and if so what the fuck do i say? OR do i just abandon ship and give up the entire friendship and see what happens-

i kind of just want to post every single thought i have in my head in the hopes you'll talk to me and not think im completely lunatic because idk how to talk to you or anyone for that matter but i really want to

P L E A S E stop sending me memes and actually talk to me please please please

i cannot fucking deal with you anymore lol i feel like such an afterthought in your life and you're practically in the center of mine

yeah no it's totally cool that you left me on read for 6+ hours after i finally reached out to you after an of entire week not speaking im totally not frothing at the mouth or anything

wow. i really haven't spoken to my fp in a whole week. after 3 years of talking every single day, all day.

they've sent me memes all week, i only actually opened our chat for the first time yesterday. all i did was like the posts they sent me. i didn't really know what else to do. i feel like this is so wrong. everything feels wrong and i feel numb.

they had made this big instagram post with their new besties during the week too, so I know exactly what they've been doing this whole time that they haven't been talking to me.

why is it impossible for me to be anyone's first choice.

why do i still bother lol

10 days sober off klonopin and sh and all i wanna fucking do is relapse !! is it even fucking worth it to keep this up !! all i fuckin want is someone to talk to and be actual friends with but i guess that's impossible !!

what i wouldn't fucking give to be punched in the face.

it's pathetic how much i fucking hate you. i can't fucking stand it. i hate that you're out with your fucking friends and ignoring me. you know i want you to be happy but why can't you see how much of my happiness you're responsible for. why the fuck did you get me addicted to you like this and then just fuck off.

I think everything is just supposed to be fucking miserable all the time.

i hate snapchat memories lol. just saw some pics from 5 years ago of me and my friends on call when we started online school during the pandemic and it fucking stung way more than i anticipated. these people don't talk to me anymore. they've all moved on with their lives and im still drowning in the past by myself, wishing they'd come back to get me. they have partners and new friends in our old city, and i got forcefully pulled away to a whole new province without my permission. i get to start all over again with friendships and family i don't want in my life.

i miss my friends.

why am i even bothering with sobriety and cleanness at this point. all i wanna do is be high and forget how fucking miserable im gonna be for the rest of my life. just for a few hours. but i cAnT because tHinGs WoNt EvEr gEt BeTtEr iF yOuRe uSiNg. who the fuck cares if it gets better at this point? it obviously fucking won't. i'm trapped in this fucking disgusting body forever. the least i can do for myself is make myself happy for a little while.

it is 11:40pm. i logically know that my friends are asleep and not deliberately ignoring me. does that stop the mean angry gnome in my brain from telling me they despise my existence in their lives? absolutely not

and the worst part is that the only person i have to talk to, is said mean angry brain gnome. 🙃

because everyone else is asleep. 🙃

chat should i actually block every single one of my friends from my hometown and completely isolate myself in another province

weed does not fucking cut it at all anymore and im out of klonopin that means it is time to shed my skin suit and fly into the sun someone pls distract me lol

"read 2 hours ago" okay what if i just block you and you never hear from me again instead

is anyone else's mother a passive aggressive cunt for no reason or is it just mine

how the fuck do you make friends.

everyone else in my life gets to go hang out with their friends and go home to their partners and i hate it. i really hate to say that i hate seeing their happiness. it's not that i don't want them to b be happy and lead good lives, it's that im a fucking dumb jealous asshole.

everyone makes it seem like them and all of their friends just clicked together. there was no awkwardness at the start and everything just went so smoothly. meanwhile i can't get past the awkward small talk phase with everyone and it's completely discouraging. I dont want to end up alone. i don't wanna be forced into the shadows while i watch everyone else have a life besides me because i just flat out didn't deserve to have one.

tldr someone pls become unhealthily obsessed with me and i will offer the same in return

you know when you're talking to your friend who you also used to date and they're talking about their new love interests and it's all you can fucking do not to lose your shit and split on them and just listen and congratulate them because logically you love that person because they are your best friend and they also love you but shit just didn't work romantically between the two of you but now every time they talk about it you wanna put scissors in your ears because you feel so fucking lonely and disgusting and unworthy of the thing that everyone else has but you don't??

no me neither

i am a BPD jude truther idc

THEY REPLACED ME

theyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedme

they said i was their favourite

they said they loved me

they said that IM their number one

WHY DID THEY REPLACE ME

DID I JST MEAN NOTHING TO THEM

DID THEY JST LIE THIS WHOLE TIME

IF THEY WERE TELLING THE TRUTH, HOW DID THEY REPLACE ME SO EASILY

am i rlly that replaceable?

to that one person

no revenge bcz one day ull realize i only had the purest intentions towards u, i never hurt u, all i did was love u, n i hope ull realize it n that itll haunt u for the rest of ur life

you might not like me anymore but ill always love you. ill never meet someone who is as amazing and pretty as you, and, in turn, youll never meet someone whos even a little bit similar to me, and i hope that fucking haunts you.

i think im feeling it now

jst like u do