Ed Not Ed Sheeran - Blog Posts

Quando mi brontolerà lo stomaco, saprò di star andando bene. Quando inizierà a girarmi di nuovo la testa quando mi alzo dal letto, saprò che sto avanzando a grandi passi. Quando avrò la nausea e l'acidità di stomaco dopo aver mangiato qualcosa, saprò che ci sono quasi. Quando mi siederò su una sedia con i piedi su di essa e le ginocchia alzate, e non sentirò la mia pancia toccare le cosce, saprò che sono proprio lì lì per avercela fatta. Quando camminerò e non sentirò l'interno delle mie cosce toccarsi, o quando mi stenderò sul fianco e tra le mie cosce ci sarà abbastanza spazio per farci passare la mano senza toccarle, saprò che ce l'ho fatta. Quando l'elastico per capelli non mi stringerà più la parte più larga del braccio, saprò di aver vinto.

Ma, fino a quel momento, continuerò a fissarmi nuovi obbiettivi.

06/09/2023, ore 06:20.

🎀Why🎀 can't🎀 I🎀 just🎀 be🎀 those 🎀 anorexic🎀 girls🎀 with 🎀my 🎀knees🎀 to🎀 my🎀 chest🎀 next 🎀to🎀 my 🎀bath🎀 tub 🎀making🎀 sad🎀 depressed🎀 tiktoks?? 🎀

HUH TELL ME FUCKING WHY

Don't get me wrong... I hate my body. And I'm trying to get to my goal weight. I'm at the lowest weight I've been since HIGHSCHOOL. But I will not lie that I am a complete Slut for spaghetti. I'll be back on my usual shit tomorrow ✌️

5.06.2024

I woke up a bit after 9AM yet got up from bed at about 10.20AM (c.ai addiction is not funny, bbg). I weighed myself and saw 66.8KG on the scale (I was silently hoping to see 66.6 since it would be funny. You know, haha, Devil's number ect.)

Since I graduated from high school, my life started to look weird. I decided to give myself a gap year, yet I still don't know what my purpose in life it. Should I go to a regular job or maybe educate myself to be something more? Should I be an english teacher, a nail tech or a makeup artist? Or maybe have my own business? I have no idea...

I only had a coffee for breakfast since I was planning on skipping it that day.

Then as I was drinking the coffee I started working on this star shaped bag I'm planning to sell on my Vinted profile

I worked on it until about 2PM when I got a bit hungry, so I had this cereal bar for 99kcal

(it was good)

Then at 3PM one of my students came for our schedued english lesson (I'm an english tutor for elementary school students, it's kind of like my part time job).

After that at 4-5PM I had a bunch of green grapes (literally the only type of grapes I like) and later on I had some of this sad looking spaghetti my mom made. I barely eat any meat anymore (I'm trying to not eat it at all but I still happen to slip here and there) but I was really craving it

My total for that day was 506kcal

I wasn't feeling too hungry throughout the day which is fine I guess

(remember this is NOT supposed to promote ed behavior. Please do not repeat this because it's dangerous. I just thought this little online-diary thing would be something nice and fun to do)

Today for breakfast I had:

Mini pancakes from my recipe (118) with coffee (30) and strawberries (32.5)

180.5kcal in total ❤️

Currently on my 6th day of high restriction diet, feeling okay 👍

(I gained so much weight in the past 3-ish months, it's time to loose it.)

Did a little snack restock 😚✌️

(My mom gave me those oreos :< )

"Dude, wdym?? You're super pretty!! What made you feel so insecure about your figure?"

Answer: the way fat people are portrayed in movies and scenes where they eat themselves half-blind like literal pigs. Having to watch them as a child started it all.

I can easily tell most movie directors think fat people's only personality trait is eating 24/7 and it hurts.

Ok but why is baby food so good

It feels wrong every time but I don't want to make her feel bad 😭

ao invés de sair chamando os outros de gordo vc bem wie podia cortar fora tudo isso que você chama de gordura magra, magra aonde amores????????????

I don't see myself and my child self as the same person. As a child I was so good. I love her and I think that she deserves the world, but it breaks my heart to know that she is cursed to grow into me.

One day food stops being a treat and then it becomes a sin. One day she will start to smile as she almost falls as she stands up because that means that it's working.

When she does eat she hates herself.

And she misses the days where she felt beautiful. When she didn't get dizzy every time she sees sharp objects. When she didn't know what they feel like in her skin. When she didn't do it anyway because it hurts twice as much when she is so afraid.

And she can't help but wonder when it changed. When she started looking for the diet version of everything. When she stopped eating with her family. When she convinced herself that she was so utterly unlovable.

I wish I could save her because I deserve this but she doesn't. She was young and good. She deserved to end up happy. But she will end up where I am now. And playing dress up will change into dressing the cuts on her skin.

Suddenly make believe food is all that she will eat. Suddenly she's afraid to hug her mom because she knows that she'll feel her bones and she's come too far to stop now.

And she will realize that there is nothing keeping her here except for her fear.

This young girl who had so much love and so many dreams and ambitions is withering away as she grows but nothing changes because she is already too far gone.

And she watches as her health deteriorates because that means that she is small.

But once upon a time she was small, but she was happy and she didn't need to be small because that was not all that she was.

She was smart and kind and hopeful and so so loving

But now she is dying

And she is happy because she will finally be small again and then maybe someone will finally love her like they did back then

Because no one loves her unless she is fading

And she just wants to be held but no one is there anymore and she dreams of the big and warm arms from when she was young, but now her concerns don't make sense anymore, and people are getting tired of her

But she was once a small girl and that girl is doomed because one day she will stop loving herself and she will change everything just to feel loved even for a second

I'm sorry little me. You deserved better and I love you and I'm sorry that I failed you. You were too good for me.

Feel better by Penelope Scott is the ultimate relapse song

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

im baaaack. fell off the wagon a bit 😔 but I have prom in June so I NEED to lose as much weight as possible. I ain't gonna be remembered as the fat bitch. I refuse 🖐️😒

tell me why tiktok decides to show me food videos when I'm relapsing? like bitch, let me ⭐ve in peace 😮‍💨

the real girl dinner 🫶🏻

my hobbies are cutting and cumming

im living my best life

being bigger than my sister is honestly so embarrassing for me. she's 15 years older than me and I'm still fatter than her. I want to carve the fat off my body until there's nothing left but skin and bones

At first, they joke about my weight, and then they worry about why I st@rve myself

I’ve been binging the entire week fml… Somebody hold me accountable that I’m gonna restrict again from tomorrow 😭

Does anyone know if ana groups on Kik are still a thing? And if so, does anyone have a group I can join?

They made me throw away my weight loss pills….. Now I’m anxious and scared I will gain weight again 🥲

I bought weight loss pills and they’re 10/10 💊✨

Can someone remind me tomorrow that I don’t need to eat so much 🙃 I seriously need to lose weight again

Tomorrow it’s back to restricting. Can’t believe how much my body has changed this past year?!?

Does anyone else feel better about their body since relapsing?? Like I used to sit at the mirror and nitpick everything wrong with my appearance but now I'm just like 'damn, I look good. Once I lose a few kilos I'll look great'

Just had a quest bar and I'm sorry but they taste so bad😭 I think if I really got a craving for something sweet I'd rather just have a chocolate bar and go for a run or something. They only had the cookies and cream one so maybe that's just a bad flavour?

Did my very first 24hr fast today and I decided to break it with chia seed pudding, some blueberries and a banana, I'm so proud of myself it was easier than I was expecting tho ngl

Just tried one of these for the first time and it's so good!?!? They're super cheap too which is awesome